In reality, September has been an amazing, crazy, wonderful, terrible month. Shortly after coming back from Vail, Kel started his second job which put him at 76 hours per week (11pm-11am Friday night through Sunday night and 11:30am-6pm Monday and 8am-5pm Tuesday through Friday. . insane- i know) which has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. We have paid off some debt while sacrificing time together and precious sleep. What initially was supposed to last up to 8 months is now being re-evaluated and may end soon (for both our health and sanity).
This month I also had the opportunity to hike Mt. Naomi with Dan, Laurel, and their friend Tyler. It was a beautiful hike and after 4 hours I was exhausted!
On the 13th I had to go in for a colonoscopy due to some current symptom in conjunction with having had a grandmother who had rectal cancer. I thought I was going to starve to death! I don't know how older people do it because I was totally wiped out! During the procedure I'm pretty sure I started to wake up because I have a vague memory of pain. Mom had come down to take care of me and graciously shuttled me home. The prognosis going in was good and I didn't have any anticipation that they would have found anything concerning. They reported to mom that they had found a flat polyp, had removed it, and that it didn't appear concerning but that it would be sent to the lab and we would be called with the results. In the meantime, Kel's parents and sister came down for his birthday and we had a great time spending time as a family. I came down with a pretty nasty cold which I then passed to Kel but we were still able to eat at Maddox, watch movies, go to a demolition derby and the shooting range, and catch up. The morning that they were getting ready to leave I received the results of the biopsy. Everyone was rushing around getting ready to leave and my phone rang. I answered and the women on the other end proceeded to tell me that the polyp had contained a type of cancer or precancerous cell and that while they were not overly concerned due to having removed the rest of the polyp I would need to have a colonoscopy every 5 years for the rest of my life to check for and remove this type of cell. My stomach instantly tied in knots and I couldn't even bring myself to ask questions. I hung up the phone and walked out to the truck where Kel was waiting as his family loaded into their extended cab ford. He asked who had called and I proceeded to simultaneously relay what the nurse had said and sob. His eyes widened and he scooped me into his arms and promised me that everything would be okay and that he would take care of me no matter what it took. I guess I'm still in shock to some extent. . . grateful and blessed to not "have cancer" hopefully, scared, and having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I guess it shouldn't be different than having moles removed with precancerous cells (been there too) but this all seems more real and deadly for some reason. Just the thought of what my grandmother went through and what her life is like now because of it. . .so many things. . . but nothing to do again for 5 more years.
Work has also taken its toll on me in the last couple of weeks. Don't get me wrong, I really do love my job and get a great sense of fulfillment from what I do though on the other side I am a highly emotional person (I know, I know, shocking ;) ) and I tend to put everything I have into my work. In 4 years of working in severe mental health I am beginning to feel emotionally exhausted and empty. These feelings were compounded last week. Since I began my current job, I have felt confident in my knowledge, experience, and performance in my position and have felt that my opinion and decisions were supported and respected by my colleagues, however that was shaken last week. It began when my supervision, who is also the director of patient services, asked me into his office. Apparently someone reported that they had over heard me say that "I was feeling burnt out" and that "I was no longer putting in the hours I used to put in when I cared about my job." My supervisor expressed concern for why I may have made those comments and what could be done to remedy the situation. I sat there, eyes wide, willing my mouth not to flop open, in shock that A) someone had reported this to my supervisor, B) that whoever it was had twisted my words to make it sound like I was no longer doing my job and C) that someone may actually be trying to get me in trouble. The truth was that I had made the comment on several occasions that I was feeling burnt out but had always followed it with stating that it was not unusual for me to feel that way occasionally and it was often in conversations when others were expressing similar feelings. As far as the comment about not working as many hours as I once had this too was something I had said, though was taken completely out of context. I had made the comment that I was no longer working as many hours as I had when I began stating that when I started I was averaging 60-70 hours a week trying to rework the program and organize and improve the exercise and movement education program while also improving documentation. I stated that I was now only working my currently contracted 40 hours. The director was receptive and understanding, though as I left his office I felt a deep sense of betrayal and fear. I felt as though I could no longer trust anyone I worked with and vowed to keep my mouth shut. Things didn't improve over the next few days. A visiting doctor from Texas who specializes in eating disorders came to led his suggestions to our medical and exercise approaches and in my meeting with him I felt as though I was being attacked. Several references were made to the incident in which one of my patients went into cardiac arrest and I was told repeatedly that since that incident I had overly restricted the clients (my current program structure has not changed since the incident and follows the recommendations of the medical department). I left feeling demeaned and unsure of myself as well as faced with endless questions about why my approach was being questioned and what I had done to have my opinions so discounted. On the drive to work the following day I received a call from the DC supervisor who stated that the treatment team had decided to increase a clients activity level in flash that morning (clients levels are only supposed to be changed during treatment team meetings) and that they wanted me to be informed. This girl had a significant history of over exercise and had been with us for less than a week. I have not even had the opportunity to meet with her. Just another slap in the face and what I felt like was a show of disrespect for my position, approach, and recommendations. I fought tears for the rest of the week (fought them while at work, and let them spill uncontrollably in the arms of my sweet husband at home) as my recommendations were over ridden repeatedly. I was more than ready to just walk away. The issue was not that I felt that my recommendations or approach is the "right way" or the "only way" the pain and hurt stemmed from feeling that instead of directly approaching me with issues or concerns, I was now just being bypassed while also dealing with the lingering feeling that someone was out to sabotage me. The weekend was much needed and couldn't have come too soon.
I continue to wrestle with the little girl inside of me who believes that everyone is essentially good and wants to help and care for others and the woman I have become who has been repeatedly hurt by trusting and believing in other human beings. The longer I live, the less faith I have in this world and the more fear that brews in my heart about how some can hurt and deceive and murder with no remorse. Now granted, the fact that I had a miserable week could mostly be attributed to the fact that I am a anxious, emotional woman, however, each day my testimony of my Heavenly Fathers plan for the Divine role of women grows exponentially.
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