I AM. . .

As I was driving to work yesterday, I had a lot of time to think, as I usually do; however, yesterday I found myself contemplating the last 27 years (since it just happened to be my birthday) and wondering what my life has really meant.  In church on Sunday, the role came to me and as I flipped through the pages and found my name I wondered what thoughts surface as others who know me think about Mel Eppich.  I scribbled on a scratch paper Mel Eppich and then below it Melanie Griggs, both are me, though I wondered if to others Mel Eppich is any different that Melanie Griggs was. I'm sure there is a difference because the person I am today is vastly different from the person I was even 4 years ago, but has the change been for the better or worse?  I'm sure this sounds crazy, and knowing me it probably is, though as I drove through the farm land of Hyrum and Paradise I thought of many of the things that I am or have been:
     -I am passionate and emotional
     -I am naive
     -I am logical and perfectionistic about some things and irrational and sloppy about others
     -I am self conscious and unsure
     -I am compassionate and selfish
     -I am a WORRIER
     -I am a people pleaser and often care far too much about what others think of me
     -I am anxious and afraid
     -I am intelligent (only thanks to inheriting good genes)
     -I am a loyal friend though I have hurt those I deeply care about at times
     -I am a people person, I want to know about and be friends with everyone, family has nothing to do with
      blood.
     -I am a hard worker and would rather help people than make more money any day
     -I am a self proclaimed chef, artist, dancer, writer, athlete, and tom boy
     -I am a t-shirt and jeans, country girl to the bones
     -I am a biker chick and a runner
     -I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, and granddaughter, an aunt, and a daughter of God
     -I am active and driven
     -I am a night owl and a late riser
     -I am a clinical exercise specialist
     -I am a high school and college grad
     -I am friendly and shy
     -I am a camper, hiker, and pyromaniac
     -I am tough on the outside and tender hearted
     -I am a saver and a budgeter
     -I am a hugger and a listener (i'm also a talker)
     -I am imperfect
As I thought of the things that I am, that make me me, I realized a lot.  It has taken nearly 27 years for me to discover even a small piece of who I am.  As I look back, I have spent the majority of my life trying to be what I thought everyone would want me to be, someone that everyone liked, someone who never made a mistake, someone who would make everyone around her proud.  I wanted and tried to be something I never could.  I never really took the time to think about who I wanted to be or even about who I actually was.  It took far too long for me to realize that I could never make everyone happy, that it was impossible to be someone that everyone like, that this life is all about making mistakes, learning who we are, following our own path- not the one that everyone tells us to take, and that there is no such thing as perfect.  I am finally realizing that in trying to be all of those things, I lost a part of myself and denied myself the opportunity to truly be happy just being me. 

I can't say that I wish I had done anything differently because I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the decisions I made getting here.  I don't always love the person that I am, I still sometimes wish that I could be all the things that I tried to be before, and I often feel guilty for not being able to to perfect; however, I am learning to accept my imperfections and find my own voice and my own way.  It is not easy, but nothing worth while in this life ever is.

I am learning that this life just gets harder and harder and each tough thing makes us strong enough to face the next tough thing.  I learn a lot from my girls and one thing I wish I could infuse into every one's brain is that we are all beautiful children of a Heavenly  Father who loves us and hears and answers our prayers.  He carries us when we are to week to stand and he lifts us when we fall.  He knows of our deepest sorrows and feels our pain.  He doesn't care what we look like, how we dress, what we weigh, or how many friends we have, all he cares about is that we try our best, love him, and love those around us.  We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves and hope that our examples can help others.  We cannot control our world or our life, all we can control is how we react to it.  No one has the power to take away our agency or determine our attitude.  Sometimes relinquishing that perceived control is the hardest thing for me in this life, but when we finally submit to His will rather than our own we become truly free.

It has only taken me nearly 3 decades to figure out that the person I am is all that God asks me to be and that I owe it to myself to discover that person.

switching gears, here's the life update:
I guess my birthday gave me a lot to ponder, it wasn't really different than any other day.  I worked 12 hours and then Kel and I went to dinner at Cafe Rio and got maverick frozen yogurt after.  I was completely stuffed.  I received nearly a hundred birthday wishes on facebook and text message and feel so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed by the amazing people who have shared a part of my 27 years.  The best was spending the evening with my best friend.  He gave me a beautiful card (I'll have to post the contents later) that made me cry, I'm such a lucky woman!  I guess I'm well on my way to 30. . . sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a lot to show for it, but hopefully I've made some sort of difference.

Harley got snipped last weekend and is wearing the ridiculous cone and is hating life. Kel's working life crazy, our house is a mess, we finally got a new door, and my eyes are still crazy.  Nothing too exciting :)