Trial and Tibulation

What a crazy, sad, tragic, unbelievable month. . . With each even that has taken place I have felt more and more stunned. . . after each instance I found myself thinking "this has to be it, something good has to come next" . . . I'm still waiting.  At the same time, I have a renewed gratitude for what I have and a new sense of regret for feeling so much self pity when all around me others are suffering in ways that seem so much more intense than anything that I am currently dealing with.

I guess it has probably been over a month and all seemed to start with a recurrence of some of my old health problems, then the loss of an amazing coworkers newborn little girl, the unexpected passing of one of my best friends mother follow by the suicide a a close high school friends little brother. Last week a beautiful sweet friend that I work with was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. This week one of the incredible therapists that I work with was rushed to the emergency room where they found a brain tumor. Today, one of my clients father passed out and may have suffered a stroke while here for family week.  Then added to that the tornadoes and earthquakes and other international disasters. I feel like I am in shock, it feels unbelievable. 
In the midst of all of this trial and tribulation, my own struggles seem so small.  Where I once felt anxiety and frustration about not feeling well and having no diagnosis, I now find myself repeating the mantra "no news seems to be good news."  Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows when we need a little perspective.

My heart aches for each of the people that I care about and as always I wish that there were something that I could do that would ease their pain.  I have always been deeply impacted by the pain of others and it seems overwhelming at times.  I have thought many times in the recent months that we truly are seeing the signs of the time.  The refiners fire is becoming an inferno and Heavenly Father is calling some of his choicest spirits home.  At times my fear overcomes my faith but I also have an incredible sense of hope.  Until recently I have felt very attached to this earth, the mountains and sunsets, laughter and puppy kisses, the smell of rain, leaves rustling in the tree tops. . however, I am now beginning to allow myself to image some place better, somewhere free of all the pain and sorrow, a beauty far beyond what my mortal mind can imagine and as the world becomes darker, my desire to stay beyond my time slips away.  I am also continually reminded of how important trial and tribulation is to heavenly fathers plan and that no matter how difficult my trials may appear, I would never trade them for the trials of someone else, they were custom made for me and they are what I need- even if they are often not anything that I think I want. . or can handle.

In all this turmoil churning outside our intimate life, the dustdevil that seems to be our live has continued to stir up the atmosphere around us. We went to Mom and Dad Griggs' for Easter and came home on Sunday night. The eye symptoms and pain I have been feeling continued to be persistent and I had an appointment at the University of Utah set up to Tuesday morning.  On our way home from Idaho, Kel asked me if I thought we had made the right choice to get Harley and if I thought it was the right choice to keep him (he continued to be aggressive toward Tuff even after being neutered).  I expressed my desire to give him a chance and I had begun studying ways to handle aggression in dogs and had started implementing several recommendations.  By Tuesday morning the boys were still not getting along very well and I was feeling stressed about time because I had to be to work early and then would have to leave straight from treatment team in order to make my appointment in SLC.  I took them out in the field behind our house and tuff headed for the ditch along the back side of the field. After a few moments, Harley trotted off to check out what TUff was doing and all of the sudden both dogs dropped down into the ditch where I could no longer see them and I began to hear barking and growling then howling and screeching.  I felt the panic seeping into my veins as I sprinted for the edge of the field. All I could imagine was Harley tearing into Tuff and I was terrified of what I may find.  I could hear the ruckus and see water splashing up out of the ditch and the seconds it took me to cross the Field felt like an eternity. As I reached the edge of the ditch, shock over took the panic. Tuff was standing in the water barking at Harley who had a poor cat by the neck and was tearing it apart, all I could hear was his snarling echoing in my ears. I called to Tuff who instantly came to my side and as I grabbed his collar I noticed a spattering of blood on his nose and I felt nausea rising in my stomach. Harely was still violently attacking the cat and I was able to get him by the collar and drag him away as the poor cat fell to the ground.  My arms and legs were shaking as I drug both dogs across the massive field.  Harley's face was covered in blood and I felt a surge of fear, not necessarily for myself, but for what may happen with him in the future.  I put both dogs in the kennel and tried to wash off Tuff's nose as my hands continued to tremble.  By the time I got to the door of the house, the shaking intensified and tears began to fall.  I woke Kel sobbing and shaking and explained what had happened and that we needed to do something with Harley.  I was already running late and Kel wrapped me in his arms and told me that he would take care of it.  He went out and put Harley in his crate and was able to find him a home with someone he knew by lunch time.  It took me a good 4 hours to calm down and I found myself worrying that I had possibly ruined Tuff (my sweet, mellow, timid, puppy) and that he might not become aggressive and violent.  Luckily, he seems to be getting back to his old self and we have spent a lot on one on one time.

Things have been crazy the last 2 weeks with work preparing for family week and Kel has been picking up extra work on the side to help supplement our income (He is so wonderful!). The weather has been awful (rainy and cold) until today (it was actually almost beautiful) which has contributed to my depressive state lately but we have high hopes that summer may come sometime before August.   Saturday was decent and I was able to take Tuff for a run on the river trail (during which I just happened to trip on a rock and plaster myself in the dirt- don't worry, tuff stopped in his tracks, ran over, licked my face, and proceeded to sit on me and put on his protector dog face).  We are hoping to someday get out lot and lawn going and are beginning to consider selling my truck (my dream truck) to help whittle down our debt.  My appointment in Salt Lake yielded little information, though the doctor informed me that I am "depressed," that I "need medication," and that the problems with my eyes "may be visual phenomenon related to migraines." Who knows what the next medical step will be.

I gave my first ever family week didactic on exercise this week and now have 2 challenge activities to lead before my weekend can begin.  Mom and Dad are coming this weekend and we'll hopefully get to see uncle Brent and the boys in Salt Lake.  We'll I've gotta end this before my alarm goes off telling me I've missed an entire night of much needed sleep.

Oh, I guess my birthday is notable.  I got a beautiful cedar chest from mom, dad, Kel, and dusty and a new pair of running shoes (plus fruit pizza:) ).