Mel's Haven

One Step Closer- Panic Mode

2012-01-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

On January first, Kel and I both couldn't believe that the year was gone, now, what seems like a split second later, January is over. This month has brought with it a roller coaster of emotions and one of the most prominent seems to be that of panic. Don't get me wrong, excitement is still right up there but I think we are both realizing that what once seemed like a distant dream is now right around the corner. I think that we had both spent a lot of time thinking about some of the ways our life would change, the obvious ways, like insomnia, feedings, diaper changing, diminished/non existent free time, constant responsibility, and all those other logical changes, but I think this month has brought a vivid awareness of changes we hadn't thought of or else hadn't taken too seriously. This has led to a lot of stress, worry, and sleepless nights. While I keep trying to convince myself to have faith that everything will work out, it always has, and somehow always will, I have my moments of overwhelming worry and that has finally spread to my cool, laid back, carefree husband.

We have been feverishly trying to allocate our money to different areas, stock up on necessities and prepare for the reality that in 3 months we will go from a dual income family of two to a single income family of three. It's scary to go from living very comfortably to the possiblility of barely paying the bills.

Kel has been working on the basement and we are starting to get close. It's looking like we may even have it finished in the next couple of weeks. He has done an incredible job!

The beginning: drywall

Framing and Paint (thanks to mom and Caytlyn!) That big timber will be the step below the fire place and there is a second one that will be the mantel.

While Kel was busy working his full time job at Wasatch, booting cars, and building our fireplace in his spare time, my mom and I have been frantically sewing:

The crib quilt and crib skirt (and baby's first christmas present:the bull :) )

We also made a crib skirt, curtains and an adorable, reversible car seat cover:

and mom took home the beginings of a cover for an old swing I inherited. I LOVE it all! My mom is so wonderful!
She and Caytlyn also threw me a baby shower in Rexburg. It was amazing! They put so much work into it and so many of the people who have shaped my life came. It was a great day!

CUTEST BOOTS EVER!

Adorable decor: Diaper cake and little cups filled with camo popcorn that say "ready to pop" all caytlyn creations!

Yummy refreshments!

I am so very blessed to have such incredible people in my life. The love and generosity brought me and my mom to tears.

A few other January updates include me passing my glucose test (yay! no diabetes!), repeated trips to Idaho- usually there and back in less than 24 hours due to Christmas with my fam, the baby shower, and they 3 more to replace the water heater in our Idaho Falls house (after it decided to flood the living room-sad day), purchasing the car seat and stroller and my transition into "obviously pregnant" mode (i'll have to post pictures soon.)

This sweet little boy is beating his momma up on a regular basis and we can't wait to meet him. . though there are moments when I think we both wish we had a little extra baking time (I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune in about 6 weeks. At this point I'm at 29 weeks and trying to enjoy (and survive) this new experience. I guess we'll see what February brings!

Our 2011

2012-01-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add a list of our 2011 highlight reel. 2011 has been a big year for us filled with big moments and small miracles, heartache and healing and I don't want to forget a second of it (okay, well at least the big stuff ;) )

Our 2011 in review:

January
-We brought in the new year with Dan and Laurel and some of thier friends at a beautiful cabin in bear lake. When we woke up that morning both of my hands were numb and tingling and we ended up driving home and going straight to the ER. Following several tests including an MRI, I was sent to a nerologist who diagnosed me with thoracic outlet syndrome (my hands stayed numb until nearly February.

-We spent countless nights and hours tiling, painting, staining, choosing colors, purchasing apliances, and driving by the house the we would eventually close on and own at the end of the month.

- We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary (what a beautifully difficult ride) and I wouldn't change a thing

February
-We mourned the passing of our initial cruise date (we scheduled our first cruise, and first official vacation without our family in Nov 2010 and the next day our ship caught fire forcing them to cancel both our initial sale date and our first reschedule date to complete repairs)

March
-We finally boarded a plane for California with Nate and Kayla and took our first cruise. It was an interesting trip to say the least- but we loved spending time with such good friends and just getting away.

-Kel transitioned to the maintenance supervisor position at The Falls, opening a door for continued growth and development as well as additional opportunities for promotion.

-We bought Harley (another boxer) who seemed to struggle and ended up finding a new home after several incidences of violent behavior- it was a very conflicting experience and a difficult choice to make but we has to do what would be best for both him and our family.

April
-A dear friend passed away. I often find myself thinking about her. She was one of the first people I wanted to tell when I found out I was pregnant and my heart broke a little again realizing that she wasn't here to tell.

-I turned 27 (ugghh)

May
- I continued to struggle with my health with no diagnosis and we found ourselves watching some many that we know and love face incredibly difficult situations. Through it all, we counted out blessings

-The rain continued to fall leading to flooding all over the valley, I don't know that I have ever experienced so much rain over such a long period of time.

June
-The rain finally stopped long enough for us to lay sod, and didn't decide to start again leading to a relatively high water bill. All was well worth the strenious work though when my house was no longer filled with mud.

- We sold my truck :( and got a Mazda three for a lower payment and to save LOTS of money on gas

- We went to vegas with Mom, Dad, dusty and one of his friends. It was one of the most fun and relaxing vacations I think we have ever had (I never thought I would say that about Vegas)

-We sold my motorcycle to further pay off debt- sad, but not as sad as my truck

July
- We took our first camping trip of the year up Logan Canyon

-Fresh peas started appearing in our meager garden

-Spent time hiking

-I was called to teach releif society and Kel was called to teach priesthood

August
-We finally painted the front door and edging around the garage

-Kel bought a "tent on wheels" for his birthday

-We played in Vail: white water rafting, biking, rollerblading, farmers market, nature walks, and the chocolate factory

-We left Vail early so Kel could play Deal or No Deal at the county fair where he won $100 tanning package, haha

- On August 15th I took a little test that revealed the best news Kel and I have ever had, we are going to be parents!

-I felt pretty nauseated the rest of the month

-We spent the weekend with Kel's family in SLC

-We told our parents and sibling about our new addition, but swore them to secrecy

September
-We went on our Annual camping trip with Nate and Kayla in Lava Hot Springs and we floated the river

-We planned and decorated a campsite at second dam the day Dusty asked Caytlyn to be his wife (and she said YES!)

-Kel's birthday (29- almost 30!)

-We went to Rascal Flatts in concert at Usana Amphetheater

-We went to Lagoon with Mom, Dad, Dusty, Caytlyn, and Uncle Ted (I was the sunglass carrier)

October
-We finally let the secret out of the bag to the world that WE ARE HAVING A BABY!

-We got to hear our baby's heart beat and see his little features for the first time (he pretty much looked like a gummy bear with a tail- but we loved him so much anyway ;)

-I finally started to feel human again

-Kel got offered a second job booting cars (What a blessing!!!)

-We went to see Jason Aldean in concert at the Maverick center and spent a much needed weekend in SLC

-We held our annual Halloween costume party

November
-Dusty and Caytlyn got MARRIED! Love our new sweet sister!

-I felt our baby for the first time

-We found out our little gummy bear is a BOY!

-We had thanksgiving in Logan with Mom, Dad, Dusty, and Caytlyn and then Mom, Dad, Kel, and I headed to washington to install Kel's parents garage doors

-Kel finally got his big screen (a little early for christmas)

December
-Finished the drywall in the basement

-Kel gave me a beautiful new road bike for Christmas

-We spent Christmas in Washington with Kel's family

-We found a great deal on couches for the livingroom on KSL

- I get beat up constantly by our growing little man

-I bought my crib and mom got us a pack n play

-We spent new years with Kel booting, and me posting stuff for sale on KSL- this year is already off to a good start, sold our first item this morning!

2012 is set up to be the best year ever, we will be given the best gift we could ever ask for. I can't even express my gratitude and utter awe at the blessings that were poored out upon us in 2011. It has strengthened once again that my Father in Heaven knows exactly what we need. . . when we need it and is guiding us every step of the way. We look forward to the excitement and challenge 2012 will bring!

The Race is On

2011-12-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

With the holiday season winding up, it feels like we are entering the final leg of our marathon. This little man will be here before we know it and like a marathon it seems like the last few months will crawl along in slow motion revealing the finish line before we even have time to realize it's here.

Christmas was a blur. Mom and Dad Griggs flew in from Hawaii on Monday morning before Christmas and Dusty and Caytlyn stayed at our house Sunday night on thier way down to pick them up. They gave us our gift early (of course we didn't have thiers ready- shocking, I know). They were so excited to watch us unwrap it that they would not even consider waiting until we had thiers ready. I think Kel's reaction satisfied thier excitement. He tore into the wrapping and gaped in disbelief- so much so that he exclaimed something that I probably shouldn't quote here (this is a family blog. . . sort of). Let's just say it was similar to "ARE YOU KIDDING ME! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!" Then of course came the ear to ear grin followed by little tears in the corners of his eyes. Dusty seemed equally extatic about Kel's reaction as tears came to his eyes and he started laughing. My sweet brother and his wife had gotten us a Wii! Maybe not something new to most families, but certainly something new to ours. . . and something Kel or I would have never expected or imagined. It was an awesome gift!

The whole crew stopped back in on Monday afternoon to pick up Tuff and drop off Christmas gifts. Mom and Dad brought Kel two Hawaii T-shirts, an adorable necklace for me, and the cutest onesie and hawaiin outfit for our little boy. They continued to spoil us with money for "a video camera or whatever" (those were the words scrawled across the toilet paper dad had used to wrap the cash in- what a funny man :) ).

Thursday night we headed for Washington and even in 3 weeks this little guys was able to make the journey more miserable than it was at thanksgiving. Luckily we made it at around 3am. It was a crazy fast trip filled with lots of family, food, and activity. Mom treated all the girls to pedicures (my first one ever. . . apparently I'm not very good at picking polish. It looked like a rich, glittery purple but turned into bright, glaring blue). Dad and Kel spent the day running around finishing up christmas shopping and Dad ended up taking Kel to get new church clothes because Kel had forgotten his at home- it was SO generous, and brought his son (my sweet husband) to tears. Thanks dad! We cooked and baked and spent a lot of time talking (and eating) in the kitchen. Christmas was a full day. The little kids got thier santa gifts before church and mom spoke in sacrament meeting and then we came home, finished up cooking dinner, and headed to the new house to eat and let the kids open the rest of thier gifts. Our little boy made quite a haul, he got an adorable little sleeper, little socks, and a couple swaddling blankets. Mom and dad gave us a beautiful piture of the farm that brought the entire family to tears. It was a great day, concluded with the traditional "pickle hunt" during which Mom and Dad hide an ornament that looks like a pickle and whoever finds it get cash- sadly we weren't the fortunate ones this year. . . watch our Taylor- we'll get ya next year!

The trip home was probably even more miserable than the trip out just because of what I knew awaited me- work. At least it's just a 4 day work week!

I'm so grateful for such an amazing family, a family that extends beyond the boundries of blood, and a plan from our Heavenly Father to help us become better. As I look toward April, the reality of having a son becomes more and more real with each passing day. I already love this little boy so much I can't even quantify it and I would do anything to protect him and keep him safe. My heart breaks to think of the hard things that he will face and then I think of my Father in Heaven and what he had to watch his sweet little boy (my brother) go through, knowing that there was nothing that he could do to change his journey without changing the fate of all his children. I'm so grateful for his love, his patients, and his willingness to do hard things for the sake of all of us, even when we turn our backs or make mistakes. I hope that I will always remember the true reason for this season.

Baby Update: Our little man has now been kicking his mom since about 19 weeks and his dad finally felt him for the first time on Christmas Eve (I doubt I even have to tell you about the smile on Kel's face when he felt his little son). Our baby is probably nearing 2 pounds and he is a mover. He gave his mom a couple good scares last week by not making a decernable movement for a full day, not so this week- he's bouncing off the walls! I finally now look (and feel) pregnant and have expanded in all area. We love you little man. As of now, he's being called Brody- it seems to fit, and we like it!

Almost Christmas

2011-12-27T13:55:00.001-07:00

With only 9 days until Christmas, panic is starting to set in :), likely because I have done ZERO Christmas shopping. This is partly due to the fact that Kel got his Christmas present super early this year and every time I try to think of what to get my other loved ones my head starts to hurt so bad I have to stop.

It seems like our life is on cruise control at an incomprehendable speed and all I can do is sit back, wide eyed, completely unable to react, only able to see the scenery rushing by. I admit that, for the most part, all that scenery has been beautiful and a rich blessing, it just passes so fast! In the last week, we finished the drywall in the basement and put up our one Christmas decoration for the year- our tree (I'm a little bah humbug this year-not that I'm unhappy about Christmas- just that I don't have the energy to put a ton of effort into decorating and then undecorating- my brain power and time just seem to be all used up).

I think I'm starting to slowly enter the third pregnancy phase (the one that comes after feeling almost normal) as fatigue seems to be settling back in, my body no longer holds any resemblence of it's former shape, and my emotional stability (if I ever had any) seems to be deteriorating. To add to my ever changing life, work has been pretty rough this week in several aspects including an outbreak of a contagious parasite that pregnant women can't be treated for- LOVELY. Let's just say the tears have flown freely this week.

My saving grace has been my sweet husband. I honestly feel overwhelmingly blessed everyday to think that somehow I ended up with this amazing man. He has held my hand and dried my tears and supported me in even my craziest pregnant moments. I know that he has been worried about me this week (who wouldn't worry if their wife cried nearly everytime she spoke- only I think most other men would consider putting thier wife up in the local psych hospital rather than facing the emotion head on), and as usual my amazing husband pulled out all of the stops. He had been telling me that he had my "Christmas present" hidden in the basement for the last few weeks and gave me strict instruction not to go digging through things down there.

Kel is one of those people who gets so excited about giving gifts that he can't bare the secret or the wait and asked me several times this week if I wanted my gift early, hehe. Well, I guess yesterday he just needed to see me smile and giving me my gift early was his last ditch effort. I went out to take tuff on his evening walk and when I came back in tears filled my eyes. For several seconds I just stood staring at the tree in disbelief. Kel had that signature smile spread across his face and I think I made him nervous when my first reaction was, of course, to cry. Leaning against the tree was a beautiful road bike- something that I never in a million years thought that I could own. For a moment I paniced knowing what something like this would have cost, but also knowing that my husband would never spend that much money. The panic was followed by confusion because of the confilct in my last two thoughts. I whispered "how much did it cost?" Kel kept smiling and asked if I liked it. As tears sprung from my eyes I whispered again "how much did this cost?" He respornded with "don't worry about it" and then knowing that I wouldn't accept that as an answer proceded to explain how he had been looking at this bike for several months, how he had research and shopped and talked to my sister about it, and how he had bribed the store clerk a few weeks ago to lie to me about pricing when he took me in to the bike shop "just to see what they had." He told me how he had been in several times, bargained with the sales person and had gotten an unbeatable price. He told me how he just wanted me to be happy and knew that I would never ask for it or expect it. I cried as I listened to the selfless unconditional love in his explaination. I felt overwhelmed, guilty, and unable to accept it or even at that moment beleive it. Kel ended his explanation with ". . . and all sales are final so you can't take it back." The truth is I LOVE it, but what I love more is that I have someone who loves me that much- I don't feel like I deserve him and I feel so blessed that he chose me. I can't wait for spring! I am the luckiest girl in the world- not because of the material things I have but because of the people I am surrounded by. I'm never quite sure why they love me, but I'm so blessed that they do!

We are heading up to Washington after work Thursday night for Christmas and mom and dad should be back from Hawaii to pick Tuff up (too bad I don't have thier Christmas ready.) Christmas- ready or not, here we come!

Another positive even this week has been fun having my little dog back while grandma and grandpa play in Hawaii. They dropped him off on Thursday night last week and he has been so sweet despite several "bad dog mom" moments. I'm trying to take advatage of how forgiving and loving my puppy can be, no matter what I do (or forget to do), he always loves me. . . no matter what. He snuggles his sweet little face into my legs or puts a paw on my lap even if I didn't have time to play with him for more than a few moments that morning and he's always jumping up and down with excitement anytime he sees me. I'm pretty sure my little boy will not always respond to me that same way- which is okay, but for now I'm soaking in the unconditional love of my little dog.

Our Sweet Little Surprise

2011-11-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that in two days I will be twenty weeks (HALF WAY!!!). It seems to have flown by. I have noticed that as the weeks pass, my stress and anxiety level has continued to increase. I have so many wishes and hopes for our little one and so many fears that I will do something wrong, or already have (panic after eating slightly doughy pizza, walking too far, being exposed to some terrible infection, the list goes on and ON. . ). I know that I can also count on that stress and anxiety continuing to multiply perpetually for the rest of my life (welcome to the life of a worrier who is about to have a baby), on the other hand I also know that this sweet little spirit will bring us more joy, excitement, and love than we can even comprehend. . .and already has.

The last couple weeks have been spent playing catch up on house work, work work, and trying to suppress our excitement and anticipation of our ultrasound appointment which was set for 3:00pm on Tuesday November 22nd. I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what this little one might be, dreaming and wondering, hoping that I would be equally excited no matter what and trying to prepare myself if we went in and our little one was to shy to show us the goods. Some of our good friends (Kurt and Lacie) found out they were having a little girl a few days before our appointment which made the waiting almost unbearable.

On Monday I was sitting at my desk and felt a tiny little pop in my lower abdomen, then another and another. Every mother I have talked to raved that the first time you feel the baby is the most beautiful and wonderful experience. I must be a terrible person but to he honest, I personally felt sick to my stomach and my first thought was "THERE IS SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME TRYING TO GET OUT!!!" as I envisioned the horror movie where an alien claws its way out of someones abdomen. It was pretty funny. I guess I felt a little terrified, but once I got used to the little pokes, they have become something that are both exciting and comforting.

That night I got home from a rougher than usual day and was getting ready to go to the gym with Kel when I felt a bump and pain just above my ankle on my left foot. Of course, the worrier in me knows just enough to be dangerous and my brain began spinning thoughts of blood clots and tumors and all sorts of other crazy (and in my mind potentially fatal) things. We went to the gym and after 45 minutes of my brain on over drive I told Kel I was ready to go and broke into sobs in the parking lot (solidifying Kel's fears that his wife has completely lost her mind). He finally convinced me to text my sister who is a P.A. and she responded that it was likely just a cyst but that I should probably have it looked at. I continued to worry all night and had horrible, vivid nightmares in which I died several times in my sleep (thank you hormones!). By morning I could hardly force myself to wait until the little display on my phone finally flashed 8:00am to call my doctors office. Once again, my wonderful doctor got me right in only to tell me (stimulating complete and udder embarrassment) that it was likely just a minor sprain or strain (thanks you, I am an idiot, I have become one of those pregnant women who think that every bump or bruise is something horrific- literally). After apologizing profusely I headed back to work with only a few hours before we would see our sweet baby and possibly find out not only what color to decorate the nursery but also how things are progressing. As I left the doctors office, I realized that for the last several days I had been overwhelmed by worry about what this ultrasound would show, not because the gender was so important, but because it could possibly reveal a potential problem or issue with our perfect little baby- and that prospect was something that I was completely unable to face or even try to comprehend- apparently, in my attempt to avoid those thoughts and feeling, they had just found an new outlet in the form of a weird ankle bump.

I could feel my heart beat quicken as the hours passed and the appointment drew closer. I left for the hospital around 2:40 because I wanted to have plenty of time. When I reached the imaging center where I had my last 2 ultrasounds, they told me that this one was scheduled in the budge clinic (the medical center attached to the hospital). A woman pointed me in the direction and I nearly sprinted, I wondered up and down halls and stair cases looking for any sign of an imaging or ultrasound department, asked for help once and was taken to an empty information desk where I became to impatient to wait for the worker to return and finally found someone who walked me nearly back to where I had started my trek. I checked in and then sank into a chair, breathless and anxious. I glanced at my phone to check the time and it was just after 3. Kel still wasn't there and by that point my poor bladder felt like it might explode (for those that don't know, you have to drink at least 30oz of water in the hour prior to an ultrasound without using the bathroom= torture). Kel finally made it and it was 3:40pm before we were called back. Thankfully the ultrasound tech was a sweet middle aged man named Jeff who explained everything he was looking at and measuring and reassured us when everything looked good. Then came the question "do you want to know what it is?" I blurted out "YES!" before Kel even had the chance to process the question. At this point I was sure that my heart was pounding so hard that the tech could hear it and that I would probably go into cardiac arrest if he didn't tell us soon. We watched as a little arrow flitted across the screen and Jeff smiled as he said "this is a pretty good indicator that you are having a boy." I felt tears well in my eyes as a smile spread across my face. I glanced at Kel who was also beaming. I looked at the screen and neatly typed across the picture was the word "BOY." WE'RE HAVING A BOY!!!! After a few minutes, Kel ask the tech if it was a "sure thing" or just a "best guess" and the tech zoomed in on the picture and said "It's either a boy, or a girl with a big problem." When we finished laughing we decided we are praying its a boy and not a girl with a problem :).

I finally felt myself breathing and just enjoyed looking at his little feet and fingers and arms and legs, his sweet little profile. He's pretty cute if I may say so. (I'll add his pictures to this post soon). He also seems to be very active. The poor tech had a hard time getting a picture because our little guy was to busy squirming around. We can't wait to meet our adorable little son and are so excited and happy that he will be a part of our family. With every milestone it becomes more and more real, and exciting, and scary. Of course Kel was texting everyone as fast as his fingers could move to spread the word and our families share our joy and excitement.

On Wednesday night, my parents and Dusty and Caytlyn came to our house. We showed off the pictures of our new addition and then went out to dinner at Firehouse (Dad's favorite) and did some grocery shopping for our Thanksgiving feast. Thursday we all got up and Mom and I put the finishing touches on the fruit pizza (my favorite). We had pizza (both firehouse leftovers and the fruit variety) for breakfast, started the turkey, and then Mom, Caytlyn, Tuff, and I went for a walk while the boys watched a movie. It was so fun to spend time with Caytlyn and be outside. The day was beautiful and by the time we were headed back toward the house we were all wishing we could shed a few layers. We finished up dinner (turkey, mashed potatoes, homemade stuffing, spinach salad, rolls, cranberry sauce, and pie) and Dusty and Caytlyn headed for Idaho Falls to start their black Friday shopping early while the rest of us packed up the truck, dropped tuff off at the kennel, and headed out on our trek to Washington to install Kel's parents garage doors. We got to Karl and Kathi's around 4am, caught a few hours of sleep and then headed to the house to put up the door. I hate to admit that I was pretty worthless and spent most of the day just walking around and talking with the family.

Kacie and I went and workout out after we called it quits at the house and by then our day was pretty much over.

Saturday, Mom and Dad drove to Spokane to work on my aunt Kay's garage door and Kel, Karl, Kacie, and mom went back out to the house to finish some staining and landscaping. I decided to walk from the old house to the new one (about 6 miles) and got there around noon. It was an interesting walk, I had a police car pull over and both officers got out and sort of surrounded me. They asked if I was okay and where I was going to which I responded that I was fine, and that I didn't know where I was going. I started talking about the Eppich's old house and their new house and they just looked at me like I was speaking another language and when I described where I was headed they seemed to think I was crazy to walk that far. They asked me if I wanted a ride and I told them I was fine so they went on their way. A while later I noticed HUGE paw prints in the sandy soil which started to make me a little concerned and quickened my step a little. When I finally got to the house, I was telling Kathi about the prints and she said "Oh yeah, we have cougars up here, in fact there have been a few sightings this year." Luckily my only encounter was with the prints!

Kacie and I left the house about 2 while there rest of the family kept working and after getting ready, she went to Moses Lake for a basketball game and I waited for everyone to come home. Later we went into town so the boys could look at T.V.'s while Mom and I to got some yarn for a scarf (I crocheted it on the way home- it's beautiful!) and then we went to Tia and Dustin's for some pizza. Grandma and Grandpa got there just as we were leaving so we got some hugs and well wishes on our way out. Grandpa seemed excited that our little boy will take his name for his middle name- lucky boy ;). Mom and Dad got back about the time we pulled back into eltopia and we all sat around and talked until everyone was either snoring or about to start. Mom, Dad, Kel, and I all got up and started for home around 6am and finally hit Logan at about 7pm thanks to my need for a bathroom break every half hour. It's so good to be home!

Since my last update: Kel also got his christmas present a fun new TV. There's kinda a funny story with that- maybe something for next time!

Almost Human

2011-11-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely happy to report that I am feeling almost human again. As of about week 12, I have been able to both look at, eat, and enjoy food again without triggering my gag reflex, Hooray! For any of you who know me, you know I LOVE food and not being able to enjoy it has been fairly trying. I went in for my 17 week appointment today (I know, I'm not on the normal 16, 20, 24 week schedule. Leave it to me to screw that one up early on) and can honestly say that I live for those 4 week check ups. Kel met me at the doctors office (he was so upset when he missed the last one that he vowed that never again would I get to hear that precious little heart beat without him) and in those few moment in the waiting room I realized how anxious I had been feeling about this appointment. I had been anxious at my 9 week and my 13 week appointments because of all the worries that surround the first trimester, but for some reason I felt more anxiety today. I think part of my anxiety was due to the fact that two women I work with (one very recently) lost their babies after the 12 week mark and because I'm not yet able to perceive the movements of by sweet baby I have felt this nagging fear that something could be wrong and I wouldn't even know.

My doctor is great, totally laid back and calm- exactly the type of person I need to temper my anxious personality. Because his wife also works for me, we often joke about the going ons in our lives and he openly shares their personal experiences which almost always lightens the mood. When he began looking for the heart beat I felt my anxiety peak, it took several minutes of listening to the thump of my own heart before we found our little one nestled down lower than usual (it seems pretty content to hang out lower rather than up where you would expect). I felt a flood of emotion and relief as the rapid fluttering of a little heart filled the room and as if on cue, a broad smile of excitement overtook Kel's face (he loves our little gummy bear so much!) Everything looked good and things seem to be going as planned at this point and that is all we could ask or pray for at this moment. The only issue it that I have likely contacted a UTI which is not fun and may lead to some antibiotic treatment (I don't like the thought of taking anything, but will always do what will be best for all of us in the long run). The exciting news is that we got to schedule the ultrasound that will hopefully tell us what this little bear will be! I can't wait for that day- I hate having to call our precious baby an "it." ssshhh. . don't tell, but I secretly often refer to it as a "he" not that I think we are having a boy, but just because it seems to roll through my thoughts more smoothly than "it." Only time will tell (I guess if we have a little girl I will have some apologizing to do ;) ).

It seems like a lot has happened since my last post. I think we are taking the "live it up before you have kids" seriously because it seems like we have played more in the last few months than we have our entire marriage- I guess it doesn't matter when it happens, just that it does.

We (mostly Kel) have been extremely busy over the last few months. In addition to working his 8 to 5 job, Kel has also taken on several projects and side jobs. He is working on finishing the living room and spare room in the basement and was offered a second part time job booting cars in the evenings and on the weekends. He is one busy and tired boy but so willing to do anything he can to make our life better. I'm so grateful and blessed to have such an amazing husband, I'm not sure what I did to deserve him but I'm pretty sure I have a large debt to repay somewhere. My busy-ness is basically related to work, trying not so successfully to keep up with the house, and making another human being (it seems a lot harder in real life than they make it look in the movies- and it seems to make work and keeping up on the house even harder- not that I'm complaining, its worth every minute).

Despite all the craziness in our lives Kel planned a big surprise weekend for October 22nd. He had been secretly planning for weeks and for the first time since we have been married, actually kept it a secret until the day before. He had purchased tickets to Jason Aldean in Salt Lake and had gotten us a hotel at the Crystal Inn by Temple Square for the night. Jason Aldean, besides being one of my very favorite artists, has been a fairly significant part of our relationship (I'll have to update that story one of these days) and we have been talking about trying to see him in concert if we could make it work. Leave it to my sweet hubby to make it work. We had a lot of fun and it was so good to just be together (we know those moments will soon be few and far between). I did have my first major pregnancy break down that weekend- obviously due to my crazy worry and hormones and the fact that I had convinced myself that I had probably obliterated my poor little baby by attending such a loud concert (note to self: when I create a world of my own, make sure that Valium or atavan are safe during pregnancy). Needless to say, everything is fine and I recovered. We were also able to see some of our good friends and spend some much needed social time.

Another notable event was our 5th Annual Halloween Extravaganza- sadly this year extravaganza is probably too strong a word for what the party turned out to be but it was fun none the less. We dressed as crazed psych patients (we can do that because we know and can appreciate the truth about mental illness- and after really knowing it, you still have to be able to laugh about it or else all you could do is cry- yet another story that will need telling eventually). I chose this because at the time, scrubs seemed like a very comfortable choice and honestly comfort is near the top of my priority list these days. Dan and Laurel came as the incredibles; Tommy, Katie, and Little Tommy came as rodeo clowns; Dusty and Caytlyn were dressed to the hilt from the 70's; Kari, Joe, Luke, Abby, and Derek were M & M's, Jill was a witch, Adam was a construction worker, and miss M was a cat. We had our usual pumpkin carving, costume, and donut eating contests and it seemed to be a fun night. I wish I had taken some pictures, but with me that is usually one of the last things I think about and with a little thing sucking my brain cells, it totally fell off my radar this year. For as much work as those events are, it always leaves me feeling overwhelming gratitude for such amazing friends. We are truly blessed!

Last, but not least, Dusty and Caytlyn got married this last weekend and it was perfect in all the ways that really mattered. I left Thursday night and met Mom, Heidi, Holli, Shannon, and Caytlyn at Cafe Rio in IF for a sisters dinner and spent Friday helping Mom bake, playing with tuff, going for a walk, shopping for something to wear to the wedding, and helping set up the church. It decided to snow Friday night (of course) and was fiercely cold. Kel had to work Thursday, and Friday night into Saturday morning and thanks to the snow, after only 2 hours of sleep, he had to shovel sidewalks before he could even leave Logan. He called in a partial coma/ panic at 8:30am and said her hadn't even left yet (the ceremony was supposed to start at 11am). He decided to brave the roads and his own fatigue and headed out much to the worry of his poor pregnant wife. Everything was beautiful and the turn out was amazing. Kel showed up just in time (Dusty and Caytlyn pushed things back a few minutes so that he could be there). Dusty seemed to happy and I couldn't have asked for a better sister in law and for a better family for my little brother. After the ceremony we did a luncheon which was super yummy. Kel headed back because he had another shift that night and the rest of us began decorating the gym. It was creative and beautiful and fit the couple perfectly. They had cut out silver stars and attached them to helium balloons to float in rafters but throughout the evening they began to come down because they were to heavy. I spent most of my evening cutting stars down to make them smaller so that they would stay on the ceiling. It was well worth the effort because the atmosphere was stunning. It was a great weekend. I came home Sunday night and it was back to work for our semi annual Family Week this week. I'll be glad for the weekend.

All in all, I can't believe how blessed we are. Heavenly Father's hand has been so evident in our lives and we will have to keep working hard to even hope to be worthy of those blessings!

Finally the Secret is Out. . . it's official!

2011-10-19T21:21:00.000-06:00

I can't tell you how hard it has been for us to keep quiet about our BIG (well right now it's actually pretty small but will soon be big) news for the past 10 weeks (I'm pretty sure Kel nearly exploded everyday he had to keep the secret to himself!) and how excited and eager I have been to document all of the things that we have done, feelings that I've had, and sheer joy we feel. It's really hard to blog about your life when you can't include a major part. So finally the news is out, a little sooner than we planned, but we just couldn't contain ourselves anymore! Here's the story:

On the 10 hour trip home from Vail (August 12), while Dusty and Kel laughed and messed around in the front seat, I noticed something very different about the way I was feeling. There was a significant soreness that I had never experienced before that did not seem to be or go away and that tenderness was my first indication. Through the weekend the aching persisted and by Monday I had decided that it may be time to take "a test." I took all of my clients to the Minetoka caves that day and on my way home I stopped at the grocery store and made my way to the appropriate isle and selected a generic magic "stick" that could predict our future.

A little history here may be appropriate in order to understand the full effect of the events that followed that evening:

Kel has wanted kid's since the moment we met and as we prepared for our wedding day, talk of how long we would "wait" occurred frequently (he didn't particularly like the thought of the word "wait" at all). I finally conceded that I needed at least a year and a half and he reluctantly agreed. A year and a half came without warning preceded by poor health and the challenges of marriage and I still did not feel ready. I was beginning to worry that I may never feel "ready" and maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother. I had never been one of those women who felt "baby hungry" or ran over to any newborn or toddler within a ten mile radius to beg to hold the squirming creature. In fact, whenever someone handed me a little bundle of joy I felt panic surge through my veins and would spend the entire time praying that I wouldn't make it cry. On two occasions in the first three years of marriage we had a "scare" (Kel would not refer to it as a scare rather a desired surprise that ended in disappointment). Waiting for those little sticks to predict our future in those moments were less than pleasant and were accompanied by panic, fear, and feelings of inadequacy by me while poor Kel was caught between a desire to jump for joy and worry that his sobbing wife may kill him if he did. Luckily for both of us they turned out to be false alarms and we went on with our lives as we had before.

At the beginning of 2009 I started for feel something change and began thinking that maybe I could be a mom and maybe I was finally approaching "ready" but Heavenly Father had other plans for us. Almost immediately things at work started to become shaky for Kel and my health took a turn for the worse. We spent the year (and most of our money) going to doctors with little result and in the midst I was hired at Avalon and we picked up and moved. Thoughts of finally starting a family seemed to evaporate as quickly as they had materialized and I continued to struggle with my healthy intermittently over the next year and a half.

Now for the fun part:
In April, after getting a green light from my doctors despite no diagnosis, I finally felt what I would describe as "ready" (if being ready for something like this is even possible) and the planning began.

Finally, mid August, I was headed home with test in hand. Kel had been asking me to take one for a few days leading up to this moment but because of a change in my cycle a few months previous I didn't want to risk a false result and had been putting him off. We had been through this the month before and the disappointment I felt when seeing only one line solidified my feeling that being a mom was something I not only wanted, but yearned for.

Kel came home and proceeded to start the sprinklers and preform his other post work duties while I tried to temper my emotions and prepare for whatever this little fortune teller would forecast. I finally whipped out the little box and asked him if he was interested in testing our luck. His eyes widened in an expression that screamed "Are you kidding, you don't even have to asked such stupid questions" (yes, after 5 years of marriage I can tell that much from just a little eye widening). So in I went as Kel stood at the door, I followed the directions as perfectly as I could so as not to screw it up. It took literally seconds, not minutes like the box said, for the little plus sign to appear. My heart skipped a beat and for a moment I couldn't believe that it could possibly be true. I turned to Kel and said "Come look" as a smile spread from the corners of my mouth. Kel's eye's widened again, though this time wider that the first and her replied in disbelief "don't mess with me, don't play around." By then I was beaming and I repeated "come look." The cutest "excited little boy" expression took over Kel's face and he covered his eyes with his hands as he peeked through his fingers at the results (honestly one of the most adorable sights I have ever seen and one I'm sure I'll see repeated on the face of this little one someday). The moment he realized what that little plus sign meant, he started doing a little dance, beaming and half giggling. It was a priceless moment I will never forget and will be forever grateful for a husband as excited and compassionate as mine was in that moment.

We took a second test "just to be sure" and there was no room to question. We were about to start a journey unlike anything we could even comprehend. . . . and this time we were both happier than we have ever been.

I called my doctor the next morning expecting to make an appointment for later that day to officially confirm what our little crystal ball had revealed the night before and was shocked when the receptionist pulled up her calendar and suggested a first appointment date for 10 WEEKS!!! WHAT, I HAVE A HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE OF ME (WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE) AND YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE ME FOR 10 WEEKS!!! Luckily I contained my shocked thoughts within the boundaries of my brain and muttered that September 12th would be fine and was able to ask the basic questions like "what do I do" and "what can I eat" and "what shouldn't I do", to which she replied "Just live your life." She did answer the food question and gave me a few other recommendations before congratulating me and saying goodbye. Again, i sat in shock for several minutes. Luckily, my sweet doctor called a day or so later to check on me, congratulate us, and answer the half a million questions that had arisen in the 24 hours since I had called his office. . . and then we lived life.

We had a little scare around week 5 (we thought we were week 6 based on LMP) when I noticed a little blood. My doctor had me come in and checked things out and thought that it was likely not related to to the the pregnancy but he wanted to do an ultrasound just to be safe. Because my doctor is not solely an OB he doesn't have the equipment to do ultrasounds in house so I had to go over to the hospital. He gave strict instruction that the imaging tech was to call him immediately with the result and that her would then talk to me before we left the hospital. It's hard to distinguish or describe the multitude of feelings that assaulted me as we drove to the hospital. There was excitement and anxiety wrapped up in fear and worry. "What would we see?" "Would everything be alright?" "Would they be able to tell us anything?" As I lay on the table in the dimly lit room, my thoughts raced. The male tech began the ultrasound and seemed somewhat distressed. He showed us my uterus now surrounding a normal gestational sac which contained a visible yolk, all good things I thought, though he just kept moving things around as though looking for something that should be there that wasn't. He used measurements to calculate the gestational age and by his measurements it calculated that I was mearly 5 weeks instead of 6. He then began saying things like "I can't find the fetal pole" and "this may not even be a viable pregnancy" and he continued to poke and prod. I felt a warmth spread across my face as tears filled the corners of my eyes. I looked at Kel to see the same worried expression I figured was probably present on my own face. The words "not a viable pregnancy" spun in my head as my heart sank. I was lost in my own confusion. Somewhere that seemed far away and muffled I heard Kel ask "What does that mean?" "Is that bad?" I couldn't focus and the man's reply never reached my ears. I stumbled into the bathroom to put my clothes on still overcome by shock and totally numb. When I walked back out into the main room, the tech handed me the phone and told me that it was my doctor. I put the phone to my ear not wanting to hear anymore. My doctors voice broke through the haze and I heard him say "Did you hear the good new?" Before I realized it the words "Is it good news?" erupted from my throat. To my knowledge very little from the last hour has sounded like good news and this felt like a cruel joke. My doctor kindle responded that the tech has seen everything that they would expect to see for a 5 week ultra sound and the only new that could be interpreted as "bad" was that I had 35 week of this pregnancy business to go rather than 34. As each statement began to sink in the breath I had been holding slowly began to escape and the pressure in my chest seemed to relax. Maybe things were okay.

I searched the Internet (since the Internet is always right) as soon as we got home for typical results of 5 week ultrasounds and found over and over again that most were unable to detect a fetal pole and often all there was to be seen was the gestational sad and the yolk and it was good news that mine was all located snugly in the uterus where it was supposed to be. Crisis averted. . no thanks to idiot tech!

So this post has taken me well over 6 weeks to get complete (hopefully it will get completed) so just bare with me.

At our 8 week Ultra Sound we got to see our sweet little gummy bear (that's exactly what it looked like- pictures to come) and hear its pulsing little heart beat. It was amazing, an perfect, and indescribable. Kel, again was adorable. Somehow, against all odds, we ended up with the same brilliant tech (initially when I saw him I got a knot in the pit of my stomach) though this time he seemed less negative- likely because he saw what he planned on seeing this time; anyway, he showed us all the usually points of interest and then out of nowhere said "oh, and that's the heart beat" and then moved right on. Kel's eyes once again became huge as his little kid grin spread cross his lips but quickly retreated as the tech proceeded with his measurements and documentation. After several minutes, Kel timidly peered over the conglomeration of machines and quietly asked "Can we hear the heartbeat again?" The tech moved back to the heart beat and as we watched the little flutter on the screen and listened to the rapid little thumps. Before we could even leave the office Kel was exploding with excitement. He begged and pleaded to be allowed to call, text, email, and facebook everyone he knew to share the big news. I was still a little reluctant so we told some of our close friends and the rest of our family and waited 3 more weeks to make it public.

In our gummy bears short existence it has done more than most get to do in their first several years of life. It's been white water rafting, floating the river in Lava Hot Springs, been to Rascal Flatts in concert, been to lagoon, camping, on motorcycle rides, hiked, and been to several states. We've had a wonderful and exciting summer and can't wait for all that is in our future.

I got to hear our sweet little babies heart beat at my 13 week appointment and am moving steadily into my 14th week of this adventure. I think I have been very lucky, week 6 through 11 were filled with varying degrees of nausea from sun up to sun down and extreme fatigue but I have been able to complete everything I have needed to without major interruption. I'm feeling better and more myself now (with the exception of feeling like I'm rapidly expanding and struggling to find clothing that fits my daily changing body).

There is always so much to tell, but I think this post has exceeded it's limits- by a long way! We are so so so very excited and grateful for this blessing in our lives and can't wait to meet our little one. Did I mention I'm due on my birthday! haha. . . more stories for later :)

Hot Lava Nights and other adventures

2011-09-13T23:07:00.001-06:00

So we went to play with one of our favorite couples over the 26th and 27th in beautiful Lava Hot Springs and as always it proved to be an unforgettable adventure! We look forward to our annual camping trip with Nate and Kayla every year and as summer seemed to be slipping away, so did the opportunity for our yearly event but we were determined to make it happen and happen it did. We decided to try Lava again this year despite last years craziness (if you haven't read that entry its worth a review but in short we spent the night with a million mosquitoes, in an open field, next to railroad tracks that just happened to have a gigantic train on them which decided to stop across the access road for and eternity and Nate was on call and they had to leave at the rear end crack of dawn!) mostly because it just happens to be located nearly half way between our homes. This year, we vowed to get an amazing camping spot, however, due to being responsible adults who work full time jobs, we were unable to leave our places of residence until 4:30 (nate and kayla) and 6 (mel and kel) and sadly by the time Nate and Kayla arrived, there was very little in way of decent camp sites. When Kel and I arrived Nate had left Kayla up a ravine, filled with mosquitoes, setting up the tent and had come down to meet us. We could tell by Nates expression that they were feeling a little discouraged a defeated and I think all of us had the thought that this was going to be another camping trip we would have to make the best of. Luckily Kel remembered that he had a friend who own property somewhere in the vicinity and had talked about what a beautiful area it was- so he called while Nate went to retrieve Kayla. The friend gave us some pretty sketchy directions and so as the sun set behind the mountains we headed off on what I anticipated could be a wild goose chase. . . and I ended up being right. . luckily though, the goose was not impossible to catch. We drove up the mountain on steep dirt roads for over 20 minutes drifting in and out of cell phone service and praying that we could find the right piece of property. We came to a gate with a large sign that stated "No trespassing, only property owners and their guests beyond this point. Any others found in violation of this ordinance will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." Nate must have had the same panic strike the pit of his stomach as I had because he stopped and yelled out the window "we aren't going to get prosecuted to the full extent of the law are we?" Finally after much tribulation, trespassing, and trial and error, we found the spot. . in the pitch black. It did turn out to be beautiful with all the amenities you could ask of back woods camp area. Once we got camp set up we started a fire and dove into the large pile of junk food we had spread across our camp table while catching up on all the things we had missed out on since our last expedition. I guess I should elaborate a little about our camp site setup just for the sake of indulging in our new found camping style. After much deliberation (and I mean MUCH: changing his mind every day since April), Kel decided that he wanted to purchase a SMALL, OLD camp trailer that a friend of his owned and had gutted and modified to be a glorified tent on wheels. This trip happened to be it's maiden voyage and I must admit that as someone who had been anti camper trailer, the setup, cleanup, and comfort was well worth the $200 bucks. We just pulled in, parked and were ready to go.

This was the next morning :).

The best part of this trip was that neither of us had to rush back Saturday morning so were were able to sleep in knowing that we had another fun filled day to look forward to! We woke up and Nate and Kayla prepared and AMAZING dutch oven breakfast pizza for us (which we devoured). After breakfast, the light of day revealed the true amenities of this new found camping spot: an outdoor toilet, basketball hoop, swing, and. . . . a zip line! Nate was the only brave soul and I missed his first attempt, but here is his second (we're glad he's still alive)!

After Nate's death defying stunts we decided to pack up camp and head into town to float the river. Kel and I had never heard about much less participated in this apparently well know and loved activity and the prospect seemed quite exciting. We each rented a tube from a little stand and then proceeded to walk through town and up a steep hill to the put in location. Luckily Nate and Kayla were not new to this thrill ride and were able to inform us that there are several "put in" locations all of varying degrees of risk ranging from mild encounters with white water, bumps, and curves (much like rattle snake rapids at Lagoon) to near death defying drops off a series of waterfalls into jagged rocks. We started out with a mild run to "break ourselves in" and it proved to be way worth the tube rental fee. Once we survived the mild run, the boys decided it was time to challenge the bigger obstacles and drug the girls along with them. It turned out to be a pretty wild ride and while Kayla, Nate, and I escaped relatively unscathed, Kel wasn't so lucky. His tube took an alternate route the ping ponged him through the waterfalls dumping him head over feet in the tumbling current. When he surfaced, he had lost his glassed and knocked his head and his leg of several large rocks. Despite his battle wounds, as always, he had a smile on his face and was ready to go as soon as her retrieved his tube. We all made a few more runs, opting out of the waterfall section following Kel's misfortune but overall everyone seemed to really enjoy the adventure.

We decided to grab burgers and shakes before heading back in our respective directions back to the lives that were waiting for us back home. The food was good, but the time spent with such valued friends was priceless. Thanks Nate and Kayla for another great adventure! We can't wait til next year.

The next weekend Dusty called and told us that he planned to ask his girlfriend Caytlyn to marry him when they all came down to Utah for Labor day. I'll spare the details but his original idea was something a guys would come up with so with a little help we constructed an interesting proposal environment in Logan Canyon. I spent hours cutting out peace signs and flowers for the decor and Kel lovingly helped me set everything up so that the scene would be set when they arrived from the burg. Here are a few pictures. . . oh, and she did say yes:).

We're SO excited for them! LOVe you guys!

Then, this last weekend Mom, Dad, Dusty, and Caytlyn came down Thursday night and hung out and then we all went down to the Rascal Flatts concert at the Usana Amphatheater in SLC. The openers were Justin Moore and Sarah Evans and it was a GREAT show. Jason and Arianne (some of our really close friends) met us there and despite a freak thunderstorm and downpour right before the start time, the weather cleared and the evening was beautiful. Dusty, Caytlyn, Kel, and I drove back to Logan after the concert and turned around the next morning and went back to farmington to join Mom, Dad, and Uncle Ted at Lagoon. It was a wonderful weekend and we had a great two days. Kel even rode some of the crazy rides- which he never does. We have been so blessed to have such great opportunities and such wonderful people in our lives. Hopefully the next entry will cover the moments in the last 2 months that couldn't be shared here yet.

Oh the craziness. . .

2011-08-22T14:29:00.002-06:00

I'm starting (slowly) to learn that life will never stop surprising you, shocking you, knocking you on you rear, picking you up, shoving you, and thrilling you (often at the same time). I guess in terms of months lived, we could not possibly consider the past couple to be the "craziest" (we've had a LOT of crazy months. . and years) but they have been exciting and unsuspected in their own right. Despite our persistent and dedicated efforts to decrease our debt (i.e. sell everything we own that we don't possibly need) there always seems to be some unexpected expense, medical bill, equipment failure, explosion, drought, or need that sucks our "spare money" out of our pockets like a shop vac on steroids. Now, granted, we really can't complain- we have very little debt left and have made huge strides when you look at the big picture, but who likes to look at the big picture! It's so much easier to focus on all the little, in the moment events rather than the journey as a whole and it's usually easier to create drama and stress in your life if you refuse to be open minded. Anyway, some of our latest happening are that we did finally have the family room in the basement wired and will hopefully be able to drywall in the next couple of weeks (YAY!!!) and we finally had a free Saturday that gave us the time to paint our front door and molding.

Other than that the summer seems to be running away while we are left crying in the residual dust cloud. Some of our summer highlights are as follows:

March: SNOW and RAIN. . LOTS OF RAIN. Party Cruise to Mexico with Nate and Kayla, near death excursion on Peurto Vallarta, kel's motion sickness, frozen yogurt, and work
April: RAIN. . .and did I mention Rain! My birthday, a fun new hope chest, more rain, and lots of work
May: RAIN. . Flooding, helped neighbors lay sod and wish for our own instant grass, mop the floor everyday-twice and it still looks and feels like dirt, entire yard appears to be a mud hole that could drag a woolly mammoth down into the depths of the earth, planted a garden.
June: Rain. . not kidding- it's still raining! Trip to Vegas, Truck trade-in and car fiasco, laid our own sod, rain stops, work trip to Jackson, built a fire pit in the back yard and toasted mallows, trip to Washington for the family ground breaking, crocheted my first afghan, my sweet friend has her baby 10 weeks early, and I chopped off my hair
July: first camping trip of the year-tuff rolled in poop and a woman almost died in the camp next to ours, spent $100 dollars watering our sod because apparently the sky ran out of water, lost my favorite pair of sunglasses hiking the crimson trail, successfully developed a recipe for dutch oven smore cake, teddy graham additions, sold my motorcycle, fresh peas appeared in the garden, painted the front door, finished my second baby blanket, got called as a relief society teacher, and went to the doctor-yet again.
August: Kel buys a "tent on wheels" for his birthday, Vail: gyros, whitewater rafting, biking, mountains and streams, nature walks, and chocolate factory!, the county fair, wheeling and dealing (leading to Kel winning a $135 in tanning passes) anyone in Logan need a tan?,

Kel gets called as a priesthood teacher, amazing and unexpected weekend with Kel's fam in SLC and my fam in the burg. upcoming: camping with the Esplins in Lava next weekend.

As usually, we have very few photo's to show for all our adventures but we've had fun. It's exciting and crazy to think about what the next few months will bring. I'm so excited for fall and all of the beautiful colors. We are so blessed! I'm planning on being a better historian in the upcoming year for a million reasons. . hopefully I can stick to the plan! :) Thanks to everyone who has been a part of our lives and made the rough times bearable. I can't even express my gratitude for the people God has placed in our lives. You are all so important to us and we couldn't have made it to where we are without you!

Instant Grass

2011-06-24T14:24:00.003-06:00

So since we moved into our house there has been a constant debate about where to put our money first, the basement, the second bathroom, a fence, landscaping, grass, blinds, etc. All of which is can be traced back to:

Lesson #1-building/buying a new house is fun and has lots of benefits, however, it often does not come with many of the things you take for granted when you buy a used house and therefore, may COST A LOT MORE MONEY :)

Having learned that lesson, we bought blinds first (the neighbors got tired of the strip show from our "naked" windows each morning and evening). We then learned that our neighborhood required that your front yard be done within the first year of your homes completion. This led to a whole new debate: seed, hydroseed, sod. . . I originally voted seed (leave it to me to choose the "cheap" option) while Kel was still undecided. As the rain continued to fall in torents our decision fell further and further into the back of our minds until we came home one day and our neighbors had an entire front yard, green and lush, and were presently laying the back yard. We went over to join the party and within a couple of hours they had a beautiful emerald lawn which made me somewhat green with envy. I cannot tell you how much mud and dirt I have mopped up, swept, vaccuumed, sludged through, carried in to work on the soles of my shoes, and been up to my ears in since moving into this house, of course I was jealous.

So of course, I wanted "instant grass" too. One of our hitches was that our builder refused to grate our lot which by this time looked like it had been used by high school boys to see how dirty they could make thier trucks, I don't think there was one flat section on the whole lot!

A few weeks earlier, Kel had had 5 loads of fill dirt delivered (in five gigantic piles) to our house and those too needed to be moved. We had tried to find a tractor that we could borrow and finally on Friday night, Kel broke down and rented a little Kaboda (which he later affectionately names "P.O.S."). Since we are cheap, Kel found out that if he rented the tractor from 5pm to 8am, over one night, we would save over a hundred dollars so the race was on.

Mom and Dad Griggs and I went to pick up the tractor while Kel finished up at work. It just so happens that someone had cut one of the major fiber optic lines in Logan that day and nearly all cell phone and network service was down. This contributed to my near infuriation while trying to get details from Kel about the rental. I would dial and hear "hello, wha . . " (dead air) then my phone would ring and I would answer and hear "hey. . . " dead air. This continued through numerous dialings and I'm not sure why but it made me so mad that steam was rising out of my head. Mom tried to distract me by talking about how cute tuff had been earlier that day to calm me down with no success; however, I like to think that my anger was what kept me fueled through next 24 hours.

We finally got the tractor and headed home in time to meet Kel. He imediately pulled the tractor off the trailer and began trying to grate the lot (it was at this point the the Kabota got it's lovely nickname) and I think we all felt a few pangs of hopelessness. The tractor was so gutless that it could barely move much less drag dirt; however, with a lot of finesse and know how, Kel began making progress. The rain had created a thin layer of what could have passed for concrete over each pile and P.O.S. couldn't break through so I began manually breaking up the outer layer of each pile with a shovel while Kel grated. Due to our limited amount of time and resources, Kel decided that we would not have time to use the fill dirt and that it would just have to be moved out of the way. At around 10pm, Dad realized that the tractor did not have any hydraulic fluid and was no longer working correctly so the boys had to go on a search for the fluid which was not cheap. The grating, hauling, and raking process continued until nealy 2am and began again at 6am.
WHen Kel headed back out at 6am saturday morning, I was already exhausted from the night of raking and shoveling and it took everything in me to pry myself out of bed. Mom was already out raking with Kel back on the tractor and Dad on his way out as I pulled my shoes on. We continued to rake and haul and level until 9am when Dad took the tractor back and the sod arrived. This is the point where I began to learn lesson #2. My back ached, I had blisters on my hands, and my muscles throbbed, and now here sat 17 pallets of grass. My attitude remained good when I saw Dad lay the first few pieces of grass "hoorraayy. . instant grass" I thought. Mom and I continued to shovel, while Dad and Kel worked on laying the front section of grass. It just so happened, that it was Nibley Heritage Days and when the parade ended, several of the floats passed our house, one of which threw us an entire bag of salt water taffy and several people shouted encouraging words our direction. At one point, I was jumping from the road up onto the shovel that was placed above the curb on solid dirt when my frayed pants caught on the edge of the shovel securing my foot to the shovel and causing me to fall backwards like an awkward pole vaulter onto my side and back in the street (not my most graceful moment).

By 10am Mom, Dad, Kel, and I were operating at full steam and the front yard was actually begining to look like a yard. By noon however, our steam was running out and we were moving slower and slower (lesson #2 was now very clear). The man who delivered our sod had place the pallets in such a way that no matter how we layed the grass, we were constantly running into a semi full pallet and trying to work around it until it was empty only to be in the same situation with the next pallet. As the hours drug on, I began to worry about Dad, and about whether us finishing by the end of the day was even a realistic expectation. I was determined and driven (partially by the thought of how much we had paid for these piles of grass) to finish and when everyone took a break I kept moving. I was covered from head to toe in dirt which now was streaked by the gallons of sweat that were pouring from my body and my muscles seemed to scream relief. Our saving grace occured when a friend who was working on a house next door showed up with his tractor and began moving the remaining pallets out of the way and then began helping us put down the last few pallets of grass. He brought new energy back to the four of us and by 5pm we were close enough to being done that we called it quits. (This is when Lesson #2 became a gospel truth)

Lesson #2: Sod is not "instant grass" and anyone who says different is a liar.

We all could barely move for the next two day and the finishing touches had to be done Monday, but it is wonderful to look out at a sea of green and to no longer have gobs of mud clinging to my shoes everytime I walk outside.

My (first) very own Garage Door! I love it!

trucks, cars, planes. . . . Viva Las Vegas

2011-06-16T14:52:00.002-06:00

So apparently the time between posts seems to be expanding and sadly I tend to be long winded. . sorry to all those poor followers of mine :). The last month and a half has been somewhat unremarkable in ways, and as always fairly remarable in others. (Speaking of the word remarkable, if you have ever worked in health care, I have always thought is was somewhat funny how the word is utilized i.e. it was remarkable that the patient complains of an earache (obviously remarkable because it was remarked on) and alterantively i.e. it was unremarkable that the patient has a brain (if it is unremarkable, why did you have to make the remark :)). Okay, probably only funny to me. Anyway, since my last post, I did get to go to Salt Lake (one of many SHORT trips in the last month) to see Brent and Mary and as always it was SO good to see them! Sadly, due to another funeral, all of my mom's siblings came through Logan and stopped in to see our house and were so sweet and kind, we love them so much! My health fluctuates, but overall has been better and I would rather not focus on it at this point (basically I tired of thinking and hearing about it, so I'm assuming you probably are too ;) ).

A few weeks ago we decided that we need to continue to wittle away at our debt so I fianlly allowed myself to accept the conclusion I had come to many months ago, despie extreme denial, that the best move we could make would be to sell my truck *tears and sniffles* and get a small, fuel efficiant, and possible older car. I like to think that I am not a very materialistic person and generally do not get overly attatched to status symbols but I LOVED my truck for more reasons than I could probably list here and the decision was not an easy one even if purely for my own selfish reasons. So, I took the step. I posted it on KSL and Craigslist and put the FOR SALE signs in the window and began mourning the loss that was sure to happen. We recieved a few calls and had some interest and because we weren't in a huge rush to sell we began looking at and test driving several models of compact sedans. After driving nearly every option in our price range, we decided that we really like the Mazda 3 and began searching for one that would meet our needs. We had found several options in our price range and made arrangements to go look at 4 cars in Salt Lake one night after work. Initially we decided that we absolutely would not trade the truck because we likely would not get what it was worth, though after discovering that a trade would save us the cost of tax on the next car, we weighed our options and decided that if we were offered the right price for the trade the money we would save in tax would even out to the amount we could sell the truck outright for. We hearded South with the determination not to get "screwed" as we have nearly a million when dealing with cars in the last 4 years. I called each dealership before we left and in the hour it took us to make it to the wasatch front 3 of the 4 cars sold and the one that was left was trashed. We proceeded to drive around just looking at the lots in the area and stumbled upon Larry H Miller Used Car Supermarket (I am making sure to list the dealership because I think it my duty to put it out there for others in the used car market to learn from our experience). They came out to great us and gave a this great sales pitch and agreed to give what we wanted for the truck if they could find us the car we wanted. I knew form the begining that we were being sucked into the car sales world and despite hear several of the things we had prepared ourselves for, we just kept going along. They did have a Mazda3 but it was at their other lot, they wouldn't discuss price until we came back, they wanted us to drive other cars in that range, they would make us a GREAT DEAL, yadda yadda yadda. The sales manager was the epitome of car sales man, silver tongued, slicked back longer dark curly hair, peircing blue eyes, and manipulative in a way that you can barely detect, which all rubbed me entirely the wrong way, but the people pleasing side of me was too much to resist and I continued to "go along." We drove to the other lot and looked at the cars they had listed for us, none of which were cars we were interested in and then they showed us the Mazda 3. It was a 2008 (at least a year newer than we told them we were looking at) with low miles (at least 30,000 miles less than we told them we were looking for) and priced nearly twice what we told them we were willing to pay. There were several dents on the drivers side doors, one needing paint touch up, and the entire panel of the passender side door was warbled and dented. The sales girl that was with us told us she jsut wanted us to drive it back to the other lot. As we got in the car, the interior was imaculate and it was in fact a much nicer car than we had anticipated purchasing and we repeatedly looked at each other, laughed, rolled our eyes, shook our heads, and made statements like "this is so stupid," "what kind of rabit ar they thinking they can pull out of a hat to sell us this" and "why are we even in this car." The car drove great and had brand new snow tires but shimmied a little when braking (again something we were not impressed with).

When we got back to the dealership the Sales manager (Mr. silver tongue) brought us out thier offer, which was not even something we were willing to consider, and of course as we started to walk, they had a new offer, again, one we were not interested in, and again a new offer "a steal" and "the best they could do" which did happen to be a pretty good deal (I had done my research) but I still had this gut feeling that we should just go home but Mr. Siver Tongue pulled out his best sales pitches which we resisted long enough to get an even better deal and he promised that all of the dents and the brake issue would be fixed without additional charge. Kel was sold, and I really liked the car, but felt the deep skeptisism. We took the sales manager and the sales person out to show them what we expected to be fixed, including a fog lamp that Kel noticed was also broken, and the sales manager stated that it would all be taken care of. By this time it was nearly 9pm and I was feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. We looked the car over again and again and asked everyone we came contact to confirm that the car would be fixed and were always met with a confirmation that it would be. We finally made the decision and I said goodbye to my beloved truck and started signing the papers. They told us that they would call us as soon as the financing was final to set a an appointment to have the work done and we drove home in our new to us Mazda 3.

The financing turned into a minor nightmare, only becaue the dealership took forever to pay off our loan on the truck and then it took another several days to hear from thier service manager. We set up an appointment to bring the car down Thursday night (6/9) after work and they told us it would be ready saturday. Friday night the sales manager called and said that they couldn't have the fog light in until Saturday but that the car would be done by monday at the lastest. Monday Kel called all day and was told "he's not available now," or "he'll call you right back" and "let me check and I'll get right back to you" and never recieved a call back. He finally was able to talk to the sales manager after 5pm who assured him that everything was done except for the fog light becuase it hadn't come in yet. He said that we could pick up the car that night and then make another appointment to had the light fixed so we headed down. We got there around 8pm and walked over to the car from over 20 feet away it was clear that the car had not been touched. Every dent was still in it, and it was obvious by the layer of dirt, no one had do anything to it. Kel's head started to steam a little, and I was boiling inside. He went in and we heard every excuse in the book, everyone blamed someone else, and finally we were able to talk to the sales manager who made excuses and passed the buck. He appologized and tried to convince us to take it home and make another appointment, that's when I refused. I told them we would not take that car home until everything was fixed. We then took our original sales girl out to show her what had not been fixed and she had the gall to ask us if the passenger door looked that way when we bought it, I assured her that it did! I was not about to take the car home and have them claim that any of the damage had occured post purchase. We left the car with the promise that it would all be taken car are (as if thier promises meant anything at that point).

On a happy note we got to stop in and see Kandace and Chad on our way home, so at least the trip was worthwhile. Love those guys so much!

So as of now we haven't heard anything from them and are stuck with 1 gas gussling truck and bikes in the rain. . lovely. . thanks a lot Larry H. Miller Used Car Super Market.

So I really miss my truck! :)

In other news, we went to Vegas with my parents and little brother. We got to fly thanks to free tickets from my parents and nearly lost our lives and kel's lunch in severe turbulance and death defying landings, which was fun. It was actually a great vacation (especially considering our last trip to vegas which included me passing out, all of us getting food poisoning, kel nearly panicing, and lots and lots of vomit). We stayed in the Pollo towers on the strip and walked alot, saw a lot, and relaxed. We went to see cirque du soele (AWESOME), ate at the buffet, and gambled with $5 (a testimate to why we don't gamble), slept in, and stayed up late playing poker with peanut butter M&M's. I would post pictures, but just like us, we didnt' take one picture.

We are hoping to work on our yard this weekend (SO SICK OF MUD/DIRT EVERYWHERE!!!) and our house will be the Logan hotel for 5 Ragnar runners and mom and dad tonight. Tuff is happy and healthy and back to his sweet normal self (i guess I didnt' ruin him) I'll update more later! All is generally well!

Good bye sweet truck. . . you served me well. . .

Trial and Tibulation

2011-05-05T02:39:00.000-06:00

What a crazy, sad, tragic, unbelievable month. . . With each even that has taken place I have felt more and more stunned. . . after each instance I found myself thinking "this has to be it, something good has to come next" . . . I'm still waiting. At the same time, I have a renewed gratitude for what I have and a new sense of regret for feeling so much self pity when all around me others are suffering in ways that seem so much more intense than anything that I am currently dealing with.

I guess it has probably been over a month and all seemed to start with a recurrence of some of my old health problems, then the loss of an amazing coworkers newborn little girl, the unexpected passing of one of my best friends mother follow by the suicide a a close high school friends little brother. Last week a beautiful sweet friend that I work with was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. This week one of the incredible therapists that I work with was rushed to the emergency room where they found a brain tumor. Today, one of my clients father passed out and may have suffered a stroke while here for family week. Then added to that the tornadoes and earthquakes and other international disasters. I feel like I am in shock, it feels unbelievable.
In the midst of all of this trial and tribulation, my own struggles seem so small. Where I once felt anxiety and frustration about not feeling well and having no diagnosis, I now find myself repeating the mantra "no news seems to be good news." Sometimes I think Heavenly Father knows when we need a little perspective.

My heart aches for each of the people that I care about and as always I wish that there were something that I could do that would ease their pain. I have always been deeply impacted by the pain of others and it seems overwhelming at times. I have thought many times in the recent months that we truly are seeing the signs of the time. The refiners fire is becoming an inferno and Heavenly Father is calling some of his choicest spirits home. At times my fear overcomes my faith but I also have an incredible sense of hope. Until recently I have felt very attached to this earth, the mountains and sunsets, laughter and puppy kisses, the smell of rain, leaves rustling in the tree tops. . however, I am now beginning to allow myself to image some place better, somewhere free of all the pain and sorrow, a beauty far beyond what my mortal mind can imagine and as the world becomes darker, my desire to stay beyond my time slips away. I am also continually reminded of how important trial and tribulation is to heavenly fathers plan and that no matter how difficult my trials may appear, I would never trade them for the trials of someone else, they were custom made for me and they are what I need- even if they are often not anything that I think I want. . or can handle.

In all this turmoil churning outside our intimate life, the dustdevil that seems to be our live has continued to stir up the atmosphere around us. We went to Mom and Dad Griggs' for Easter and came home on Sunday night. The eye symptoms and pain I have been feeling continued to be persistent and I had an appointment at the University of Utah set up to Tuesday morning. On our way home from Idaho, Kel asked me if I thought we had made the right choice to get Harley and if I thought it was the right choice to keep him (he continued to be aggressive toward Tuff even after being neutered). I expressed my desire to give him a chance and I had begun studying ways to handle aggression in dogs and had started implementing several recommendations. By Tuesday morning the boys were still not getting along very well and I was feeling stressed about time because I had to be to work early and then would have to leave straight from treatment team in order to make my appointment in SLC. I took them out in the field behind our house and tuff headed for the ditch along the back side of the field. After a few moments, Harley trotted off to check out what TUff was doing and all of the sudden both dogs dropped down into the ditch where I could no longer see them and I began to hear barking and growling then howling and screeching. I felt the panic seeping into my veins as I sprinted for the edge of the field. All I could imagine was Harley tearing into Tuff and I was terrified of what I may find. I could hear the ruckus and see water splashing up out of the ditch and the seconds it took me to cross the Field felt like an eternity. As I reached the edge of the ditch, shock over took the panic. Tuff was standing in the water barking at Harley who had a poor cat by the neck and was tearing it apart, all I could hear was his snarling echoing in my ears. I called to Tuff who instantly came to my side and as I grabbed his collar I noticed a spattering of blood on his nose and I felt nausea rising in my stomach. Harely was still violently attacking the cat and I was able to get him by the collar and drag him away as the poor cat fell to the ground. My arms and legs were shaking as I drug both dogs across the massive field. Harley's face was covered in blood and I felt a surge of fear, not necessarily for myself, but for what may happen with him in the future. I put both dogs in the kennel and tried to wash off Tuff's nose as my hands continued to tremble. By the time I got to the door of the house, the shaking intensified and tears began to fall. I woke Kel sobbing and shaking and explained what had happened and that we needed to do something with Harley. I was already running late and Kel wrapped me in his arms and told me that he would take care of it. He went out and put Harley in his crate and was able to find him a home with someone he knew by lunch time. It took me a good 4 hours to calm down and I found myself worrying that I had possibly ruined Tuff (my sweet, mellow, timid, puppy) and that he might not become aggressive and violent. Luckily, he seems to be getting back to his old self and we have spent a lot on one on one time.

Things have been crazy the last 2 weeks with work preparing for family week and Kel has been picking up extra work on the side to help supplement our income (He is so wonderful!). The weather has been awful (rainy and cold) until today (it was actually almost beautiful) which has contributed to my depressive state lately but we have high hopes that summer may come sometime before August. Saturday was decent and I was able to take Tuff for a run on the river trail (during which I just happened to trip on a rock and plaster myself in the dirt- don't worry, tuff stopped in his tracks, ran over, licked my face, and proceeded to sit on me and put on his protector dog face). We are hoping to someday get out lot and lawn going and are beginning to consider selling my truck (my dream truck) to help whittle down our debt. My appointment in Salt Lake yielded little information, though the doctor informed me that I am "depressed," that I "need medication," and that the problems with my eyes "may be visual phenomenon related to migraines." Who knows what the next medical step will be.

I gave my first ever family week didactic on exercise this week and now have 2 challenge activities to lead before my weekend can begin. Mom and Dad are coming this weekend and we'll hopefully get to see uncle Brent and the boys in Salt Lake. We'll I've gotta end this before my alarm goes off telling me I've missed an entire night of much needed sleep.

Oh, I guess my birthday is notable. I got a beautiful cedar chest from mom, dad, Kel, and dusty and a new pair of running shoes (plus fruit pizza:) ).

I AM. . .

2011-04-20T19:47:00.002-06:00

As I was driving to work yesterday, I had a lot of time to think, as I usually do; however, yesterday I found myself contemplating the last 27 years (since it just happened to be my birthday) and wondering what my life has really meant. In church on Sunday, the role came to me and as I flipped through the pages and found my name I wondered what thoughts surface as others who know me think about Mel Eppich.  I scribbled on a scratch paper Mel Eppich and then below it Melanie Griggs, both are me, though I wondered if to others Mel Eppich is any different that Melanie Griggs was. I'm sure there is a difference because the person I am today is vastly different from the person I was even 4 years ago, but has the change been for the better or worse? I'm sure this sounds crazy, and knowing me it probably is, though as I drove through the farm land of Hyrum and Paradise I thought of many of the things that I am or have been:
     -I am passionate and emotional
     -I am naive
     -I am logical and perfectionistic about some things and irrational and sloppy about others
     -I am self conscious and unsure
     -I am compassionate and selfish
     -I am a WORRIER
     -I am a people pleaser and often care far too much about what others think of me
     -I am anxious and afraid
     -I am intelligent (only thanks to inheriting good genes)
     -I am a loyal friend though I have hurt those I deeply care about at times
     -I am a people person, I want to know about and be friends with everyone, family has nothing to do with
      blood.
     -I am a hard worker and would rather help people than make more money any day
     -I am a self proclaimed chef, artist, dancer, writer, athlete, and tom boy
     -I am a t-shirt and jeans, country girl to the bones
     -I am a biker chick and a runner
     -I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, and granddaughter, an aunt, and a daughter of God
     -I am active and driven
     -I am a night owl and a late riser
     -I am a clinical exercise specialist
     -I am a high school and college grad
     -I am friendly and shy
     -I am a camper, hiker, and pyromaniac
     -I am tough on the outside and tender hearted
     -I am a saver and a budgeter
     -I am a hugger and a listener (i'm also a talker)
     -I am imperfect
As I thought of the things that I am, that make me me, I realized a lot. It has taken nearly 27 years for me to discover even a small piece of who I am. As I look back, I have spent the majority of my life trying to be what I thought everyone would want me to be, someone that everyone liked, someone who never made a mistake, someone who would make everyone around her proud. I wanted and tried to be something I never could. I never really took the time to think about who I wanted to be or even about who I actually was. It took far too long for me to realize that I could never make everyone happy, that it was impossible to be someone that everyone like, that this life is all about making mistakes, learning who we are, following our own path- not the one that everyone tells us to take, and that there is no such thing as perfect. I am finally realizing that in trying to be all of those things, I lost a part of myself and denied myself the opportunity to truly be happy just being me.

I can't say that I wish I had done anything differently because I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the decisions I made getting here. I don't always love the person that I am, I still sometimes wish that I could be all the things that I tried to be before, and I often feel guilty for not being able to to perfect; however, I am learning to accept my imperfections and find my own voice and my own way. It is not easy, but nothing worth while in this life ever is.

I am learning that this life just gets harder and harder and each tough thing makes us strong enough to face the next tough thing. I learn a lot from my girls and one thing I wish I could infuse into every one's brain is that we are all beautiful children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and hears and answers our prayers. He carries us when we are to week to stand and he lifts us when we fall. He knows of our deepest sorrows and feels our pain. He doesn't care what we look like, how we dress, what we weigh, or how many friends we have, all he cares about is that we try our best, love him, and love those around us. We cannot change others, we can only change ourselves and hope that our examples can help others. We cannot control our world or our life, all we can control is how we react to it. No one has the power to take away our agency or determine our attitude. Sometimes relinquishing that perceived control is the hardest thing for me in this life, but when we finally submit to His will rather than our own we become truly free.

It has only taken me nearly 3 decades to figure out that the person I am is all that God asks me to be and that I owe it to myself to discover that person.

switching gears, here's the life update:
I guess my birthday gave me a lot to ponder, it wasn't really different than any other day. I worked 12 hours and then Kel and I went to dinner at Cafe Rio and got maverick frozen yogurt after. I was completely stuffed. I received nearly a hundred birthday wishes on facebook and text message and feel so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed by the amazing people who have shared a part of my 27 years. The best was spending the evening with my best friend. He gave me a beautiful card (I'll have to post the contents later) that made me cry, I'm such a lucky woman! I guess I'm well on my way to 30. . . sometimes it doesn't feel like I have a lot to show for it, but hopefully I've made some sort of difference.

Harley got snipped last weekend and is wearing the ridiculous cone and is hating life. Kel's working life crazy, our house is a mess, we finally got a new door, and my eyes are still crazy. Nothing too exciting :)

The Boys

2011-04-11T17:36:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to add some pitures of our little dogs. .

Time to play catch up. . .

2011-04-11T03:12:00.003-06:00

Okay, okay, I know it has been months- most likely due to an excess of crazy during the past 60 some odd days. I'm not even sure where or how to begin, but I guess the house is a good place to start. Obviously everything worked out and we have been in since the end of January. We are loving the home, the neighborhood, and our new ward despite not being completely settled even now. I have so much gratitude in my heart for all those that helped us during this process. My mother spent a week edging our entire house FREE HAND and Dan and Laurel rolled nearly the entire house because I couldn't (I guess that will have to be the second topic to catch up on) and Dan helped Kel tile the kitchen and bathroom. My dad pulled strings and got us a beautiful garage door (I FINALLY have my very own GARAGE DOOR!!!!) and Dusty installed it on his time off. Kel's Mom and Dad came down and cleaned, packed and moved us when there was no way we could have done it ourselves. Neighbors and friends, and ward members, so many amazing people helped make our dream a reality. Thank you so much! Things are still a work in progress but we are so so blessed and are taking everything one step at a time.

I guess I need to start at the first of the year in order for some of the rest to make sense. As most of you are aware, I am quickly becoming the queen of bizarre health issues (a title I would gladly relinquish!) and this year is no exception (sadly). One December 26th, 2010 two of the fingers on my right hand started to feel somewhat numb though I paid it little mind, however by December 31st (with my deductible currently met) my whole right hand felt as though it was asleep- not to be revived by any amount of shaking, wiggling, or effort of my own. I ended up in the insta care as that was the only place open on new years even and the doctor told me that he suspected that I had a pinched nerve in my elbow and that I should see a neurologist on Monday. I left the office and went to the gym and within about 10 minutes my pinkie and ring finger on my left hand were tingling and numb (at this point it was fairly clear the problem was not with my right elbow). By the morning of January 1 (deductible started over :( ), both my entire right and left hand were numb and tingling. I called insta care and they told me that I needed to go to the emergency room (have I told anyone lately how much I LOVE the emergency room. . . hate it with the passion of a million suns). Kel took me in and after an MRI of my cervical spine and one of my brain to rule out disc issues and the possibility of MS as well as some blood work I was released and told that everything looked normal and to see a neurologist on Monday (thank you for charging me 4000 dollars to give me the same advice I had the day before). As I sat in that ER room I felt this wave of despair seep in as memories from my last bought with numerous ER and doctors visits, laboratory tests, puzzled expressions, and zero diagnosis other than "there's obviously something wrong. . .we just don't know what it is." My first thought was, "I've only had 8 good months. . 8 months. . . I can't do this again. . I can't." We left with me in tears, grateful to know that I wasn't facing MS and terrified of what I was facing.

The neurology appointment and nerve testing was also inconclusive but I received a diagnosis of "thoracic outlet syndrome (all of the muscles in my neck and pectorals were constricting all the nerves and arteries that lead into my arms). I began physical therapy, chiropractic visits, and massage therapy but was unable to do much of anything for almost 4 weeks before the feeling finally slowly seeped back into my fingers.

I tried desperately not to panic and to remain positive and I wish I could say that I succeeded, however, all I can say is that I made it though those difficult weeks by being lifted up and carried by an amazing husband and family as well as my Heavenly Father. I also wish I could say that I didn't have any anger or self pity, but in those dark moments I often had feelings of hurt and anger about having to face yet another health related trial. I often though "Why me?" and "I don't deserve this." However, with each selfish, angry thought came the realization that this is all for a reason and who was I to think that I didn't deserve my trials, it isn't about deserving anything, every one's life is hard and everyone struggles with something and I should be grateful to have the trials I have because I could think of about a million others that I could not handle and would not wish for.

In all of this, we were trying to close on our house, complete the work in the house that we had decided to take on ourselves, reschedule and figure out our first big vacation as a married couple, work, and stay sane- not easy tasks. In November 2010 we booked a Mexican Riviera cruise with Nate and Kayla and the day after we booked, our ship caught on fire in the middle of the ocean, leaving its passengers stranded and eating pop tarts and spam for nearly 6 days before they could be towed back to port. This caused the cancellation of our original sail date which was January 23rd and we were forced to reschedule for February 28th. Without going into great detail, the logistics of changing flights and plans were less that smooth and required some fained tears on my part and several phone calls to make things work out.

Thankfully my hands were doing somewhat better by the time we flew out on February 27th. Nate and Kayla drove to our house and then we traveled to SLC to catch a flight to long beach. Before leaving Logan, Nate, Kel, and I got our "glo" on by getting our first spray on tans (hilarious).

We spent the night at a hotel in Long Beach that would shuttle us to the port to board the ship the following day. It seemed like all we had done for the last 24 hours was wait. We waited at our house before driving to salt lake, we waited at the airport for our flight, we waited in the hotel to go to bed, we waited at the hotel for our shuttle (which was an hour late) and then just when we thought the waiting was over. . . we got to the port and there stood 3000 people waiting in lines to get numbers to wait in other lines in order to get on the ship. Due to a surprise customs inspection, boarding was delayed by HOURS! At first, we all tried to stay positive and laughed and joked in line as the first hour past, and then the second, and then as the temperature began to drop (all we had were t shirts and shorts and flip flops because our luggage had already been checked) and our stomach began to growl (I hadn't eaten anything at all because we expected to just get on the ship and fill our tummies) our moods began to drop. We had arrived at the port at 1pm and at 5pm it was nearly 40 degrees and were were still in line, freezing and starving. After standing at the threshold of the customs building for nearly 30 minutes shivering, I emotionally broke, I was so cold I was physically shaking and I could feel my stomach knotting in hunger- my lip began to quiver and tears started streaming down my face, not exactly the way you anticipation a vacation to begin. Kel quickly wrapped me in a hug and asked if I would be okay as I sobbed. I couldn't even understand why I was crying and I kept apologizing and thinking to myself that I was such and idiot for falling apart in a line to get on a cruise, but the tears kept coming. Finally we got on the ship at nearly 6pm and headed straight for the food, I had 2 frozen yogurt cones while standing in the buffet line and my mood instantly lifted (its amazing what ice cream can do for your mood).

We had a great time despite cooler temperatures than we would have liked Thanks to our spray on tans and cold weather we cam back whiter than when we left).

We spent 2 days shopping and hanging out on Cabo San Lucas where we took a water taxi to see Lands End, Lover's Beach, and the Window to the Pacific and played on the beach.

Our last port was Peurta Vallarta where we ended up on a crazy adventure. Our first stop was at the Mexican Walmart where I had to purchase some feminine products and then we found a local booth where we decided to book an ATV adventure.

The man said that they could take us but we would have to leave "right now." He put us in a taxi, yelled something to the driver in Spanish, handed him some money and walked away as we sped off into crazy Mexican traffic. Kayla and I looked at each other several times as if to say "I sure hope we survive" and the concern in those looks continued to increase as we left the highly populated and tourist driven center of town and we found ourselves out in a run down, poor, sad (and scary) looking area. The taxi driver turned down a pot hole consumed dirt road and into a small shack where 6 ATV's were parked under a rickety lean to. Again we all looked at each other in dismay and a giggle escaped my throat. Two of the 6 ATV's were up on blocks and were more skeletons of ATV's than actual machines. We looked on while a man jostled underneith the belly of a third. Our "guide" met us as our taxi driver pushed us out and sped away. The guide handed us each a waver, helmet, and dirt laden handkerchief.

As we talked we found out that he had lived both in Logan and in Basin City at different times in his life and I began to feel slightly less like this might be my last day on this planet. He told us that we just had to wait a few minutes while the mechanic fixed the breaks on one of the ATV's and then we could take off. Guess who ended up on that ATV:). Our guide jumped on one, Nate and Kayla on the next, and Kel and I in the back on the ATV that was supposedly fixed (we soon realized that the breaks had not been fixed) and we began our crazy journey.

We weaved in and out of traffic and through the city, without breaks, then out into the country over dust covered roads for nearly and hour before we started climbing up into the mountains and crossing streams. After about and hour and a half we came to a stop at the edge of a stream and our guide informed us that he was going to lead us the rest of the way on foot. We all waded out into the stream and walked another 200 ft to a small natural hot pot. As we sat down to take a break, our guide waded out into the water in his bare feet. Moments later her hobbled out and as his foot reached land we could see blood gush out from his sole. He had stepped on a large shard of glass in the river and had 2-3 inch laceration on the bottom of his foot which was now bleeding profusely. We all looked at each other with a hint of panic in our eyes and seeing a hint of panic in our guides eyes we new that this adventure was far from over and the risk factor for a safe return was continuing to climb. We had no first aid kit and blood continued to poor from the wound. You would think, or hope, that four First Aid certified civilians would spring into action in such a situation, however, we must have been in such shock that we all stood there staring for several moments. Our guide tied his shirt around his foot in an attempt to slow the bleeding however it was completely soaked through in a matter of minutes. My mind raced and suddenly a thought popped into my head. I quickly opened my back pack and removed a single wrapped Mexican walmart feminine pad and stooped down near the guide. I handed him the pad and instructed him to put it on his foot under his shirt to help stop the bleeding as I apologized for not having a better option. Who knew that a maxi pad could save a life :). We quickly returned to the ATV's and headed down the mountain. After about 45 minutes of riding we pulled over at what appeared to be a Mexican store or restaurant and our guide informed us that this was the tequila factory and that he was going to try to get some medical attention and in the meantime we would tour the factory. A man came out to give us the tour and we all fought laughter as we walked from distillery to the next. When we reached the end the man began explaining that there were 3 different types of tequila and that we would now get a shot of each. I began to chuckle as Nate stepped up to the plate and told the man that we wouldn't be sampling the fare because we don't drink. An expression of complete bewilderment crossed the man's face and he replied "Then why are you at a tequila factory." We all just laughed and shrugged as he led us to an area where we could wait for our guides return.

He finally came back and we made the rest of the trek back, happy to be alive and well. We returned to the ship and spent a little time on the beach before heading back on board.

Some other highlights of the trip were: bunk beds, warm chocolate melting cake, Frank Sinatra, Outdoor movies and popcorn, all you can eat soft serve frozen yogurt, mini golf, trying to layout but freezing, listening to Kel barter in Spanish, getting all dressed up, and so many others. We had a great time and loved spending time with such great friends. It was so great to go, but I was definitely ready to come home and sleep in my own bed.

After the cruise we returned to work and life as usual. Kel got promoted to Head Maintenance Supervisor over a brand new complex which he has enjoyed, we brought tuff back and added a new puppy to our family. It was a little rough at first and I think I have a very small idea what it must be like to bring home a second child and have your first angry and jealous but they seem to love each other now. Harley is about 8 months old, fiery and rambunctious.

Shortly after getting Harley, I began feeling worse and began seeing flashes and black lightning in my peripheral vision again. I went back to my retinologist in Idaho Falls who stated that he is sure there is some underlying condition causing all of these issues, it just isn't clear at this point what it is. The past week I have not felt well and it has gotten to the point were I have let it keep me from doing some of the things I love to do. I have had to work very hard to keep the depression at bay and my poor sweet husband has been my rock. My world rocked a little more when I learned that my best friend from kindergarten's mom passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday night. I spent countless hours in their home as a child and even as a young adult and had always felt a close connection to Valayn and her family. The heartbreak I felt was immense and I found myself seeing my own situation from a clearer perspective. The funeral was beautiful and comforting and I realized that our Heavenly Father's hand is in everything, and pain here is only part of the process. This is our proving ground, there would be no point in us coming to earth if it were easy- we would never learn or grow or reach our potential. This life is hard, but the truth is "the best is yet to come."

I pray that I can have the faith to endure my trials with a vision of their purpose for me. I know that this has been an excessive entry and I'm sure I have missed so many important events but all I can do is hope that I won't procrastinate my next entry quite so long.

A little inspiration

2011-02-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share something that truely impacted me and to give a quick update on my last entry. It's not secret that I am a highly anxious person and the last few weeks have been enormously stressful (see last post :) ). Kel and I made a point to fast and pray about the house situation and we both felt a comfort and peace about buying a home though in all that has happened over the last few weeks I found myself wondering if we were making a mistake, wondering if I had let my own desires cloud my ability to percieve the spirit. Yesterday in church I felt completely conflicted. We are in an AMAZING (amazing doesn't even quite cut it, but there really isn't a word to describe how wonderful it is) ward and the thought of leaving has almost been enough to make me consider staying in Devonshire forever (the ward is that great!). I found myself sitting in Sunday school trying to untangle my thoughts and emotions and while I was sure that I had experienced that calm peace during and following our fast, I was doubting our decision because it seemed that everything that could go wrong had. Was it heavenly father trying to tell us we were making the wrong choice? As relief society ended I wandered into the hall and ran into a sweet woman whom I have become friends with. We began talking and I all of my thoughts and concerns tumbled from my lips landing in a heaping pile at her feet (at least that is how it felt). I stood there emotionally exhusted as she instantly smiled at me and asked "Do you feel like its the right thing to do?" Despite it being a simple question I pondered for a moment and responded "Well we both felt really good about it when we fasted and prayed but now it seems like everything that could go wrong has." She then related to me that a week before she was to give a talk in sacrament meeting a woman in her ward sent her a message that was openly critical of her child as well as critisized her parenting style. She stated that she was sure that the woman's intentions were good, but the critisism made her feel as though she could not stand infront of the ward and this woman and give a talk thinking that people were judging. She expressed her fears to a friend, who at the conclution of her story, exclamed "How wonderful!" "Wonderful?" she thought "How is that Wonderful?" Her friend began to explain, "It is wonderful because the message you are supposed to share in sacrament meeting must be so important the Satan needed to find a way to try to deter you from sharing it."

This woman turned to me and told me to remember the feeling that I had had when fasting and stated "maybe this is exacty what you are supposed to do and Satan is trying everything in his power to keep you from doing it because he knows that you need to be where you are going."

As I have reflected back on so many difficult situations over the years, I could now identify so many times when satan had raised doubt and despair in my heart, but I also identified time after time that things worked out, things fell into place, the tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel eventually became a beautiful sunrise over the horizon- it just took time and determinations. . . and faith that God would not leave as long as we never let go of his hand.

ANXIETY. . . . to the extreme

2010-12-12T02:33:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven't posted in quite a while which speaks to the insanity that I have been feeling in our life over the past couple of months. I guess a good place to start is with our annual Halloween party. We have been hosting the Eppich Halloween Extravaganza for 4 years (this year was our fifth) and it has always seemed to be a big hit. This year has been drastically different however, not that the party wasn't fun, but our excitement and motivation to organize it was at an all time low. Dan and Laurel graciously offered to rent out their club house so that we would have more room and we decided to try to go with pizza this year rather than planning a big meal. I spent very little time thinking about the party and even less time planning our costumes (if you have ever attended the BASH you know that typically we, i.e Kel, goes all out!). The result was less than epic, though I think those who attended had a good time. We definitely missed Nate and Kayla! Here are a few pictures from the event:

After Halloween, November seemed to fly by. We took a weekend vacation to Salt Lake just to get away. We rented a hotel down town and spent the weekend just being together (we had not gone anywhere just us since our honeymoon) and it was wonderful. We walked around town, ate out, vegged in the hotel, and just relaxed. We enjoyed the mini vacation so much that we decided it was finally time for us to take a real honeymoon/vacation and we booked a cruise to the Mexican Riviera with Nate and Kayla for the week of January 23rd. . . talk about irony- the day after we booked our cruise and paid our money- our ship- the Carnival Splendor, caught fire mid voyage leaving the passengers stranded for days eating spam and pop tarts. The fire forced Carnival to cancel every cruise on our boat until the week before we go! AND THE STRESS BEGAN. . . .

we began the process of trying to get our passports which has been a complete nightmare. I thought that getting my drivers license was bad, try getting a passport when you only have a temporary drivers license due to a motorcycle permit, not to mention the cost! Suffice it to say that we still do not have our passports yet and our trip is ending up costing us twice what we planned. To add to the excitement, as usual we began dreaming and started looking at houses "just to look." That always seems to be how it starts for us. I figured we were "safe" and that it was "harmless" because I was positive that there was no way that we could get financed even if we wanted to because of our house in Idaho Falls.

Well, apparently looking wasn't "safe" or "harmless." We found a few houses that created a little interest and our realtor suggested that we talk with a mortgage broker just to see what our options were. To my complete shock, not only did we qualify, but Kel qualified on his own! Immediately a whole world of options opened up before us. Determined to be smart and not jump into anything without spending considerable time contemplating the long term effects that any decision may have on our life, we began considering the possibility and workability of buying another home. Initially my cautious, conservative side kicked in and my first response was that we were crazy for even thinking about buying again but as my logical side began running the cost/benefit analysis, my perspective began to change.

We looked at a few more houses one night after work and our realtor convinced us to look at a home being built by one of our friends father. At first I really wasn't interested in even looking at the home because our friend also builds a similar home and I had never liked the floor plan but I consented to go and look. We drove into a beautiful neighborhood in Nibley that remains somewhat rural and pulled into the drive of a home I had seen millions of times before; however, when we entered I stood in shock, something was different- and I liked it! The original floor plan was an open living, kitchen, dining area, which I did not like (I do not want people to walk into my home and see my kitchen sink from the living room). In this house however, he had put in a wall to separate the kitchen and living area which doubles as a HUGE pantry (LOVE IT!) We walked around the rest of the home and it just felt perfect. We stood in the living room as the sun set over the mountains and I didn't want to leave.

This is where things get messy. The home we were standing in was already sold, but the builder had started the same house next door only with a reversed floor plan. At that moment only the foundation had been poured. We went home and began talking about the possibilities and our excitement grew. Thanksgiving was fast approaching and we were heading out to Washington that Wednesday so things became a blur. We put in our initial offer on Monday before thanksgiving and the builder countered Wednesday as we were driving across frigid Idaho. We countered back that night and didn't hear anything until we were driving back on Monday evening. Talk about riddled with anxiety. I can honestly say that I have not been that anxious since the day a doctor told me I was going blind (long, sad, terrible story-p.s. i didn't and am not going to go blind).

We got to Kel's parents around 1am Thrusday morning and talked with mom until nearly 2. It was so good to see them! We got up in the morning around 8am and spent some time with the rest of the family. Kel's sister Laurin and her husband Taylor and their baby Rex were up from Spokane and Kel's sister Kacie is back living at home. Kyle and Natalie couldn't make it this year, and Nate is in Texas on a mission.

Kel and I headed into town to work out around 10am and picked up some groceries on the way back. All of the girls chatted and laughed and cooked in the kitchen (I made my famous cheese blob-a family tradition) until it was time to go back into town to Kel's sister Tia's home where we had thanksgiving dinner. The food was amazing and I was so full I could barely move. Grandma and Grandpa Eppich came over and we all just spent time together. Friday, Kel and I worked out, Kel worked with his dad on the farm, and I spent a lot of time talking with Mom and worrying about the house. The rest of the trip was spent eating, laughing, talking, working out, and trying to control my anxiety. It was so great to spend time with Mom- she is such an amazing woman who always makes me feel loved and accepted. . .and understood. Her perspective about our husbands is so greatly appreciated (we are married to good men:) ).

We left monday morning and made the 10 hour trek back to Utah. Around 3pm we got the call that they had countered back and we spent nearly the whole rest of the drive negotiating the terms of the contract. I was exploding out of my skin. As of Tuesday, we were under contract and were allowed to begin picking out colors and other options. You would think that some of the anxiety would end there- if only we could be that lucky. It seems like everyday there has been some complication or miscommunication, or hiccup. The worst part has been that we can't lock in an interest rate until 30 days prior to the house being finished and the problem is that on the day we went under contract the interest rates were hovering around 4.25% (amazingly low) 3 days later they had jumped to 4.5% and as of yesterday they jumped to 4.75% and they are predicted to continue to increase- not good news for us. Needless to say I have spent a lot of time in tears and I'm pretty sure my poor husband is about to kick me to the curb because of my moodiness. The sad part is that if they go above 5.0% we may have to walk away because our payment would be near our upper limit. I really can't hardly handle it! I have the thought at least once per day that I wish I could just go to bed and sleep until December 21 (the day we can lock in) so that I don't have to face this intolerable waiting game. Of course that is not going to happen, but I'm just so tied in knots. I've tried really hard to have a positive attitude, but I feel it slipping away with the rising rates while all the while we have put so much time into choosing siding and brick and carpet and laminate, and a million other things to make this home our own, all the while having this disparaging knowledge that it may not get to be ours.

There are moments when I can convince myself that it will all be okay and that if the worst happens I will survive, but most moments I'm fighting tears at the thought of watching this beautiful dream slip between my fingers. To make things even harder to swallow the home appraised for nearly $20,000 dollars more than we would be purchasing it for (great news if we get it, terribly depressing news if we don't). I've resorted to trying to sell anything and everything of any value that I don't absolutely need. So far both Kel and I have sold our snowboards, but sadly what little money that had brought it will do little in terms of this home buying fiasco. (p.s. if you know anyone looking for a wedding dress- I have one I'm trying to get rid of).

In the midst of all the chaos, I find myself being a bit of a scrooge this year. We have decided not to get a tree and I have no motivation to put up any decorations. It just seems like two more boxes that I would unpack only to repack for the move (provided things go well). We also haven't done any Christmas shopping other than minor things for family because every penny really is counting and we are going on a cruise for our gift to each other. Sadly, at this moment, I'm cursing the cruise. $1400 (thanks to our passports) would go a long way for us in the next month. Really the only reason I'm not totally regretting going or on the phone trying to cancel is because I'm so excited to get to go with Nate and Kayla, if it weren't for them, I'm pretty sure we would have canceled our tickets already. The thought of getting to spend a week with them playing seriously out weighs the money at this point, plus the thought that if we didnt' go it may never happen.

I guess its obvious that I'm not sleeping well, considering it is nearly 2:30am. I guess there are so many things I want to say, so many thoughts racing though my head, the fear of what may be. . . .

I had a moment today where I sat feeling sorry for myself, angry at the struggles and disappointments we have been facing, and telling myself what an awful place this world is and then without warning, all of my blessings, the things I take for granted every day, the things I have, the safety of the area in which we live, our families, our friends, having our needs met, all flooded my thoughts and for a moment I tried to fight them, to still feel angry, but I couldn't and I felt guilty for thinking that I deserved more when I have some much. I would be lying if I said that I stopped wanting more, wanting to have this home, or even that I felt better about the thought of it not working out the way I would like it to- but I did realize how blessed I am and that I am pretty selfish (though even that realization didn't make me instantly give up that selfish part of me- I guess I aways have several things to work on).

Well I better get to bed, church comes somewhat early and I have a big week ahead (I'm cleaning an apartment for some extra money on Monday along with my usual full time schedule and I can't get caught sleeping on the job).

by the way, Merry Christmas. . . . love scrooge

Conflicted

2010-10-11T21:01:00.002-06:00

So I'm pretty sure that some how I missed September. . .to my knowledge I was not in a horrific accident that left me in a 30 day coma nor was I struck by a sudden case of selective amnesia. . . however, there seems to be a large section of time I have somehow misplaced. The truth is, I'm pretty sure I can account for each of the days of my favorite month of the year though as October looms a mere 6 hours away I can't help but feel like I missed something (I guess this is where updating a blog more than once a month may come in handy, less reliance on memory).

In reality, September has been an amazing, crazy, wonderful, terrible month. Shortly after coming back from Vail, Kel started his second job which put him at 76 hours per week (11pm-11am Friday night through Sunday night and 11:30am-6pm Monday and 8am-5pm Tuesday through Friday. . insane- i know) which has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. We have paid off some debt while sacrificing time together and precious sleep. What initially was supposed to last up to 8 months is now being re-evaluated and may end soon (for both our health and sanity).

This month I also had the opportunity to hike Mt. Naomi with Dan, Laurel, and their friend Tyler. It was a beautiful hike and after 4 hours I was exhausted!

On the 13th I had to go in for a colonoscopy due to some current symptom in conjunction with having had a grandmother who had rectal cancer. I thought I was going to starve to death! I don't know how older people do it because I was totally wiped out! During the procedure I'm pretty sure I started to wake up because I have a vague memory of pain. Mom had come down to take care of me and graciously shuttled me home. The prognosis going in was good and I didn't have any anticipation that they would have found anything concerning. They reported to mom that they had found a flat polyp, had removed it, and that it didn't appear concerning but that it would be sent to the lab and we would be called with the results. In the meantime, Kel's parents and sister came down for his birthday and we had a great time spending time as a family. I came down with a pretty nasty cold which I then passed to Kel but we were still able to eat at Maddox, watch movies, go to a demolition derby and the shooting range, and catch up. The morning that they were getting ready to leave I received the results of the biopsy. Everyone was rushing around getting ready to leave and my phone rang. I answered and the women on the other end proceeded to tell me that the polyp had contained a type of cancer or precancerous cell and that while they were not overly concerned due to having removed the rest of the polyp I would need to have a colonoscopy every 5 years for the rest of my life to check for and remove this type of cell. My stomach instantly tied in knots and I couldn't even bring myself to ask questions. I hung up the phone and walked out to the truck where Kel was waiting as his family loaded into their extended cab ford. He asked who had called and I proceeded to simultaneously relay what the nurse had said and sob. His eyes widened and he scooped me into his arms and promised me that everything would be okay and that he would take care of me no matter what it took. I guess I'm still in shock to some extent. . . grateful and blessed to not "have cancer" hopefully, scared, and having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I guess it shouldn't be different than having moles removed with precancerous cells (been there too) but this all seems more real and deadly for some reason. Just the thought of what my grandmother went through and what her life is like now because of it. . .so many things. . . but nothing to do again for 5 more years.

Work has also taken its toll on me in the last couple of weeks. Don't get me wrong, I really do love my job and get a great sense of fulfillment from what I do though on the other side I am a highly emotional person (I know, I know, shocking ;) ) and I tend to put everything I have into my work. In 4 years of working in severe mental health I am beginning to feel emotionally exhausted and empty. These feelings were compounded last week. Since I began my current job, I have felt confident in my knowledge, experience, and performance in my position and have felt that my opinion and decisions were supported and respected by my colleagues, however that was shaken last week. It began when my supervision, who is also the director of patient services, asked me into his office. Apparently someone reported that they had over heard me say that "I was feeling burnt out" and that "I was no longer putting in the hours I used to put in when I cared about my job." My supervisor expressed concern for why I may have made those comments and what could be done to remedy the situation. I sat there, eyes wide, willing my mouth not to flop open, in shock that A) someone had reported this to my supervisor, B) that whoever it was had twisted my words to make it sound like I was no longer doing my job and C) that someone may actually be trying to get me in trouble. The truth was that I had made the comment on several occasions that I was feeling burnt out but had always followed it with stating that it was not unusual for me to feel that way occasionally and it was often in conversations when others were expressing similar feelings. As far as the comment about not working as many hours as I once had this too was something I had said, though was taken completely out of context. I had made the comment that I was no longer working as many hours as I had when I began stating that when I started I was averaging 60-70 hours a week trying to rework the program and organize and improve the exercise and movement education program while also improving documentation. I stated that I was now only working my currently contracted 40 hours. The director was receptive and understanding, though as I left his office I felt a deep sense of betrayal and fear. I felt as though I could no longer trust anyone I worked with and vowed to keep my mouth shut. Things didn't improve over the next few days. A visiting doctor from Texas who specializes in eating disorders came to led his suggestions to our medical and exercise approaches and in my meeting with him I felt as though I was being attacked. Several references were made to the incident in which one of my patients went into cardiac arrest and I was told repeatedly that since that incident I had overly restricted the clients (my current program structure has not changed since the incident and follows the recommendations of the medical department). I left feeling demeaned and unsure of myself as well as faced with endless questions about why my approach was being questioned and what I had done to have my opinions so discounted. On the drive to work the following day I received a call from the DC supervisor who stated that the treatment team had decided to increase a clients activity level in flash that morning (clients levels are only supposed to be changed during treatment team meetings) and that they wanted me to be informed. This girl had a significant history of over exercise and had been with us for less than a week. I have not even had the opportunity to meet with her. Just another slap in the face and what I felt like was a show of disrespect for my position, approach, and recommendations. I fought tears for the rest of the week (fought them while at work, and let them spill uncontrollably in the arms of my sweet husband at home) as my recommendations were over ridden repeatedly. I was more than ready to just walk away. The issue was not that I felt that my recommendations or approach is the "right way" or the "only way" the pain and hurt stemmed from feeling that instead of directly approaching me with issues or concerns, I was now just being bypassed while also dealing with the lingering feeling that someone was out to sabotage me. The weekend was much needed and couldn't have come too soon.

I continue to wrestle with the little girl inside of me who believes that everyone is essentially good and wants to help and care for others and the woman I have become who has been repeatedly hurt by trusting and believing in other human beings. The longer I live, the less faith I have in this world and the more fear that brews in my heart about how some can hurt and deceive and murder with no remorse. Now granted, the fact that I had a miserable week could mostly be attributed to the fact that I am a anxious, emotional woman, however, each day my testimony of my Heavenly Fathers plan for the Divine role of women grows exponentially.

Vail Saga

2010-09-04T12:58:00.000-06:00

A little background:
My parents own a condo in Vail, CO and have gone the second week of August every year since I was eight years old. I can't quite tell when the Saga part of this tale actually began but as far as I can remember, each year that I went I ended up with some sort of mystery illness. The first few years I remember us calling it food poisoning, the stomach flu, and various other popular labels given to someone not feeling well though we never seemed aware of any possible correlation. The summer prior to my senior year of high school I became so ill that I nearly died and missed a significant portion of the first half of my senior year. I ventured back the next summer right before starting college and again became so ill I barely made it through my first 2 weeks of classes. Needless to say I have been pretty cautious about going there since. The diagnosis (aka best guess) was a combination of altitude sickness and and allergic reaction.

Kel and I went in 2007 but only stayed for a few days and I managed to only feel like I had been run over by a semi for a few days following our return home(significantly better than in years past).

The Saga:
After three years, we decided to try our luck again, this time for the entire week (I guess time had erased the severity of my near death experiences). I began a medication for altitude sickness 3 days prior to leaving and sedated myself with benadryl as soon as I entered the car headed East. I slept the entire ride and only came to long enough to use the restroom and eat lunch (possibly the fastest 8 hour drive I have ever made). We arrived around 4 pm and I was committed to the doctors orders of mandatory R&R for at least the first 2 days to allow my body time to acclimate to the altitude change. We settled in Saturday evening and enjoyed the sounds of the tumbling stream, smell of fresh mountain air, and breath taking mountain view from our balcony. Sunday we slept in, ate Swedish pancakes, and lounged around until we ventured out around 2pm in search of the farmers market and food. The streets were lined with vendors selling everything from high priced art and locally grown produce to corn dogs and refrigerator magnets and for every vendor there were at least 8 patrons ready and willing to pay any price for the local fare.

If you know my family, you know that were weren't there for the art. We all began searching the booths for which foods we had to have and in what order they could best enter our stomachs. I was on a quest for Kettle Corn while Kel and Dusty eyed the gyro's and brauts. Mom and grandma headed for the crepe booth in search of a nutella slathered masterpiece. Once we all had our fill, we headed back to let our food digest and increase our knowledge base though the discovery channel.

Monday we had planned to go to Glenwood Springs and take the tram to the adventure park and caverns that sat on the edge of a huge mountain. We left early and about 15 miles before reaching Glenwood Kel, Mom, Dad, Dusty, and I unloaded our bikes and road the river trail nearly 12 miles to the last rest area before entering Glenwood while grandma drove the Yukon to meet us. I was feeling alright but about mid ride I noticed hints of exhaustion creeping over my body. I finished out the ride at a painfully slow pace (painful for both me and the fam).

After the Bike adventure we headed for the Tram that takes you to Glenwood Caverns and the Adventure Park. The Park was so fun! We watched 4-D movies (your chair moves and you get air and water blown in your face while you watch a 3-D movie), ran a race through a giant maze, played laser tag, took a tour of the caverns, rode the alpine coaster (picture to come- I haven't scanned it in yet ;) ), and. . . . were rocket launched over the edge or the cliff in a giant hydraulic swing (talk about ADRENALINE RUSH!).

Kel couldn't ride the swing because it was fairly apparent the he would likely hurl and he didn't think it would be fair for anyone to experience raining vomit so he opted out of the giant swing, but he did ride the bull. . .

By the end of the day we were are sufficiently exhausted and spent the rest of the evening dozing in and out of sleep.

On Tuesday we slept in and then headed into the village to check out the shops and do a little shopping. We found some great deals on hooded sweat shirts and ended up with two each (oops ;) but the are super cute!). After shopping we decided to Rollerblade back into town and down past Lions Head. Again for those who are unfamiliar with me, I love to Rollerblade and I'm not terrible. . . but I can't stop. Our first obstacle was the giant hill right outside our condo. We started out slow and Kel was holding my arm while he braked and I attempted to do something which obviously wasn't breaking because I started to speed out of control and all my weight shifted back as my legs hurled forward wrapping around Kels feet and leaving the pavement just as my back and head cracked into the asphalt while kel landed in a slightly less serious heap. I have to admit this was not an enjoyable part of the vacation, in fact for a few moments I was concerned that some of my brain may be spilling out of my head and sliding down the steep grade of the hill (it hurt that bad). The stupid part (well there were a few stupid parts but one of the most stupid parts) was that my first concern was not for my own well being or even that of my poor husband but for my new sunglasses that had lept from my face and were lying several feet from where we had landed (granted- they were my first pair of Oakley's which I had just gotten prior to our trip and prior to their purchase I had never paid more than seven dollars for a pair of sunglasses in my entire life). I slowly sat up and heard myself whisper "Where are my sunglasses. . .did you get my sunglasses" (pathetic, I know). Then the pain hit and the thought occurred to me that my glasses were probably not the greatest concern of the moment. Luckily Kel had landed on his posterior end and suffered only minor bruising and soreness and luckily for me my brains were not spilling from my head, though I did have a huge goose egg on the back of my head(big enough that Kel commented that I appeared to have very thick, voluminous hair), a large bruise on my left cheek (no- not on my face), scratches on my hands, and a fairly pounding headache. Sadly my glasses did not escape unscathed. As they skidded across the pavement they encured a few small scratches :(. Despite our disastrous begining, we continued on and bladed into lionshead and back home.

That evening there was a free break dance performance at the outdoor amphitheater by Break FX (they were on America's Best Dance Crew) and so we all trekked down to watch. It was actually pretty cool, there was a 12 year old boy that was utterly incredible (full 2 minute head spin). On the walk home I began feeling slightly nauseated and by the time we were home I was praying I wasn't going to throw up. I was able to eat dinner and probably ate too much for the way my stomach had been feeling. I went in and laid down on the bed feeling worse than I have felt in a long time. Within the hour I was paying homage to the porcelain throne as my entire body went weak and my body violently expelled what I had eaten. This continued through the night and by 5am I was drenched in cold sweats laying on the cold tile floor of the bathroom wishing I could escape. By six I finally fell asleep and slept until 5pm on Wednseday. By the time I woke I was incredibly weak and terrified to eat anything for fear of a replay of the night before. Luckily Gatorade stayed down and I spent the eavening curled in a chair watching TV.

Thursday was white water day and I was skeptical as to whether I should attempt that adventure of not. In my head I kept thinking of what I would say to one of my girls if they told me that they had gone white water rafting the day after being violently ill ( I would have said "ARE YOU CRAZY!" and likely moved them to a red activity level). Despite these thoughts, the draw of the river was too much for me to ignore and I chose to go telling myself that if I got to Glenwood and didn't feel well I could just stay in the car and rest (like that would actually happen). So we rafted the colorado as we have every year since we began coming and it was worth the risk despite being a cold stormy day and my body feeling like a limp noodle for most of the trip (I had not eaten anything solid since tuesday night and what I had eaten that night was not long lived).

After the trip I was exhausted and slept most of the rest of the night though I was able to eat some dinner and keep it down. We packed right before bed and headed home with Dusty the next morning. It was SO good to be home! SO that concludes another Vail Saga ending in my sudden illness. . its sad to love a place so much but also fear going because of what it does to you.

Returning to work was less than appealing and as I have no one to cover for me I had to complete 2 weeks worth of work in 3 days because we took the girls camping the following thrusday and friday. That could be a blog entry all in its self but suffice it to say that I was NOT excited to go and even happier when it was over. Thank goodness for Laurel who keeps me sane on those things!

I have to say this entry has taken me longer to post than all of the others put together so I guess its about time to post. :)

A visual of the last few weeks

2010-07-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

We have done so much since my last post and I want to remember it all so I'm going to fill this post full of pictures of our adventures!

We went camping in Lava Hot Springs with Nate and Kayla and Skip over the weekend of July17, it was so funny to watch tuff and skip chase each other around for hours. I can't say we got much sleep but it was so good to spend some time with such great friends. There aren't many things that we miss about living in Idaho Falls but Nate and Kayla are definitely on the top of our list! We had dutch oven chicken, potatoes, and cobbler so I guess I can say I was surrounded by all of my favorites!

On Monday we got up and decided to hike the Crimson Trail. It was a beautiful day and the temperature was perfect, even little dog didn't seem to be dying of heat the way he has over the last few weeks. When we got about half way up the trail we heard a helicopter and and looked toward the thundering noise. We could see smoke rising from the the next peak over and a helicopter with a large red fire bucket hovering just above the river below us. We watched as the helicopter filled the bucket and then lifted higer into the air and headed for the fire. This happened several times throughout the course of our hike and it was actually really exciting to watch. Kel once again had an issue with his gastrointestinal tract on top of the mountain (this time I have pictures . . but I'll have to be sneaky about posting them) but with far better results than the last time. I really really enjoy the relaxed pace and taking time to absorb the beauty around us. The rest of the day we spent cleaning and running a few errands. I had had to teach Relief society in our new ward sunday and Dan and Laurel had come over to have BBQ Pork Sandwichs that afternoon, after dinner we took the dog to the dog park and let them wear themselves out. WHile there we decided to go to Bear Lake Monday after Dan got off work so when five rolled around we met up and headed though the canyon. We got to the lake around 1830 and we set the dogs loose on the beach. I have never seen tuff dog run so fast, get so wet, or submerge himself in that deep of water. It was hillarious! Those little dogs ran their hearts out. Penny would charge out into the lake after a thrown football and tuff would go only as far as he could touch, It seems that all that muscle may not be condusive to swimming, and then he would play blocker as penny tried to return to the beach with the ball. The weather was perfect and we found ourselves wishing that we had brought our swimming suits. We waded and watched as the dogs played for nearly an hour and then we loaded up our soaking, water logged pups and headed into town for shakes and fries. SUPER YUMMY. We stopped at Tony grove on our way home to say hi to steve, nancy, katie, and her husband who were camping up there. Tony Grove is Beautiful! We were all exhausted by the time we got home and I found I barely had the energy to drag my body up the stairs and fling myself into bed. Yesterday I had Arianne cut nearly 5 inches off my hair and bleach it to nearly platinum, I LOVE it! It feels so good and everyone at work raved about how cute it is. It's a great change!

Jackson's Hole

2010-07-04T20:26:00.000-06:00

What a week! It started off last week with preparations for a trip to Jackson Hole, WY for work which mostly consisted of lots of work by Laurel and packing. On Monday morning all the chaos finally began, poor little dog had to be dropped off at the vet between 8am and 9am to get "fixed" (in my opinion my sweet little puppy did not need any part of him fixed, he's perfect, but for his health and the prevention of the overpopulation of the pet population he had to have a minor surgery) so I got up at 6am to go for a jog, collect my things and my whits, take my pup for one last walk as a true male, and piled my bag, myself, and my dog into the truck. Kel drove us to the vet and we took our baby in and left him in very capable hands. I have to admit that my anxiety was on high alert. I was dreading being 2 states away when my baby would come out of surgery and not being there to take care of him when he came home. Kel then drove me to the Lee's in Smithfield to meet up with our 12 car caravan where I distributed walkie talkies and jumped in the car of one of our cooks along with laurel and one of our dieticians. Lets just say a what should be a 3 hour drive taken with 4 suburbans full of girls who are not allowed to go to the bathroom by themselves combined with 8 cars of staff turns into a major production. We left around 9:30am and finally pulled in to Jackson around 3:30pm (a LOT more than 3 hours later). From Jackson we consolidated cars and headed into the National Park to go to Jenny Lake. It was beautiful. Once there, one of the therapists lead a spirtituality/appreciation group at the waters edge and we took a few moments to soak in the beautiful picture. The sun glistened and sparkled as its rays danced on the crystal clear water after being filtered through miles of lush evergreeens.

From there, we loaded back into our train and headed back into Jackson. The girls and most of the staff went to eat while, Laurel, the cook, and I got checked into the hotel, aranged rooms, and grabbed a bite to eat at Bubba's BBQ (it was super yummy!). We helped get the girls settled after dinner and spent the rest of the night relaxing in our room. Kel called and told me that poor little dog had peed the moment he saw him and that he had continued to pee uncontrolablely throughout the evening. He peed on Kel when he lifted him from the truck, saturated his blanket, and left a huge puddle on the floor of his kennel. Kel called the on call vet just to make sure that everything was normal and was told to give him through the night. Kel said he could barely walk and wobbled and shook if he tried to stand for more than a few seconds. It was near torture to hear that he was struggling and to be so far away but I knew he was in the best hands he could have been in and Kel took amazing care of him. Kel had hurt his shoulder at the gym earier that day and was in a lot of pain so my two boys spent the evening and the next day trying to recouperate.

Tuesday we got up and helped get the girls on their way into town for some shopping and then Laurel and I went to the rafting company to solidify plans and reservations. We sent the more fragile girls and some staff of on a scenic float at 11am and then the rest of us hit the mighty whitewater of the Snake River around 1am. The day had started off sunny and warm but the moment we entered the raft clouds drifted over and the temperature seemed to 20 degrees. As we pushed off from the shore, the air temperature drop made the water all the more ominous and those first few splashes of water felt like liquid Ice running off my skin. The rapids were fairly mild but the girls seemed to be on cloud nine. I tried my best to be in a good mood but when thunder rumbled above us I found myself questioning my decision to come on this trip (as if I had really had a choice). We made it through the threatening weather and ominous white water unscathed and once again piled into the cars and headed for home. I was completely exhausted and couldn't wait to get home to my amazing hubby and little dog. Kel texted me and told me that Tuff seemed to be doing much better and that they had watched movies all day. We finally pulled in to Logan around 8:30pm and I was more than ready to be home. Kel was asleep but welcomed me with a big hug and kiss and Tuff seemed happy to have me home. He started licking at his stiches and Kel volunteered to go get him "the cone of shame" :). After 36 hours of work Monday and Tuesday, I found myself stuck in admissions, treatment tream meetings, groups, and sessions for another 30 some odd hours over then next 3 days while trying to nurse my puppy back to health and catch up on quality time with my hubby while preparing for the holiday weekend. Friday night after work we went to Steve and Nancy's to watch fireworks and Saturday I worked in the morning and cleaned and organized until 8:30pm when I took Tuff for a jog and packed the truck to head to Idaho. Poor Kel worked 8am-4pm saturday and had to go back at midnight til 8am today and he has to go back at midnight tonight. The Gren reunion started friday and I finally pulled out of the driveway with tuff around 11pm last night. We got to mom and dad's at nearly 2am and I was totally exhausted. Dad had set up the tent in the back yard and tuff and I tried to get settled in, needless to say we spent the night in the tent but very little rest occured due to tuff trying to get closer, sitting on me, and pacing on the air matress throughout the night. I woke up around 6am feeling sick and had pretty intense stomach cramps. I was worried that I might not make it to the bathroom without a horribly embarassing and disgusting event as I drug little dog across the wet lawn, onto the deck, into the house and into my partents room where the master bathroom was. The good news was that I made it without incident, though I still fought feelings of nausea. We went back out to the tent and caught a few more minutes of sleep before Tuff was ready to be up and about.

I tried to relax and eventually the cramps and feeling decreased. It has been fun to spend time with family, they are so amazing and the love is so strong. We have spent the day playing bocce ball, taking a walk, sleeping on the lawn, and just talking. I had a great talk with my Dusty, I love that kid so much, and a good cry about a lost friend (Jason Algood was an amazing man and left an unforgetable footprint on our lives). The down side has been that my Love isn't here, its always so lonely without him. We will spend another night and Kel is planning to ride his motorcycle down tomorrow to meet with a guy who is interested in his dirt bike and then we will head for home. I am in desperate need of some sleep so wish me luck tonight!

Coming Home

2010-06-25T13:19:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while mostly because we haven't had the internet but also because our lives seem to have been caught in a whirl wind this month. There are several pieces of good news that have emerged through all the craziness: we are finally out of "The HOLE" aka our old townhouse (still need to clean it but if all I did was sweep the floor it would be cleaner than when we moved in), we are finally climbing out of "the hole" monetarily, after paying rent for two appartments and a deposit plus multiple other unusual expenses this month our account as of today looks a little less scary (Thank goodness for pay day!), We finally RENTED OUT THE HOUSE-contract signed and all-to a couple that seems really great and therefore will not have to pay the morgage for July out of our own pocket, we've spent time in the mountains and playing outside (summer finally decided to show up last week-dear mother earth, just for future reference, summer is supposed to start at the very latest by the beggining of June- lets shoot for that next year. Sincerely, Me), we've had tons of fun with good friends and family, and TUFF FINALLY CAME HOME (well to his first home, he is lucky enough to be loved so much that he is under shared custody and has two homes).

So another positive is that the stress of all the other stuff going on didn't kill me (or make me so sick I couldn't function-big blessings!). I have been feeling better than usual the past couple of weeks and that combined with the beautiful weather has made my motivation to work rank some where on a scale from 1-10 at about a -50. I have just wanted to clean and decorate and organize my new home and play with my hubby and little dog. We are trying to prepare for a trip to Jackson Hole that is happening next Monday and Tuesday and I have to say I'm a little less than excited. It's sad when something that would generally be really fun, isn't because it's work.

We had a great weekend last weekend. Mom, Dad, and Dusty came down to bring Tuff and see our new place and it was so good to just hang out and be together. We went to Dan's birthday Party saturday night and then stopped by summerfest and got a HUGE bag of Kettle Corn (my favorite) and went to brunch sunday after church for Father's Day and Dad's birthday. I demanded that we take a family picture, the results are below :)

Just one last quick story, I had the funniest experience last night (at least it was funny to me). I took tuff out for a jog last night around 9:30pm just as it was getting dark and we headed over to the west side of Logan where there are some open farm fields and a cannal (tuff loves ditches). As we were jogging along tuff would wander down the embankment and dip his giant puppy paws in the cool water as it trickled through the ditch, wander back up to pee on a bushy plant and then jogging along side me until he repeated the process. We soon came to an area where he couldn't get down to the water but we continued to run on the sandy edge of the road and close enough that the tall weeds brushed his back as he trotted by. By this time it was completely dark and all of the usual night noises sang around us. As we neared a small clearing in the weeds, an ear shattering shriek errupted from the tall grass as water splashed along the shore, without even a thought I heard by own voice screaming from my throat as I jumped and stagger back from the weeds dragging tuff with me. In a moment I found myself holding what little breath I had after my scream just in time to realize that the noise had come from a momma duck who had reacted when she thought we were too close to her little duckilings. As my cheeks flushed with embarassment I looked around in the dark as if to see someone who might have heard or seen my little scream and dance and then I began to giggle to myself realizing what a huge pansy I am. We made it home safe and sound having survived our duck encounter. I always tell everyone what a pansy Tuff is, and if you have ever met him you probably know, but I have to admit that its amazing to finally have my little pansy dog back to be with me in my pansy moments. It's good to be home.

Bear Lake Bike Adventure

2010-06-07T21:49:00.000-06:00

We are so blessed to live in such a BEAUIFUL place! This was reaffirmed to me on Sunday as Kel and I cruised through Logan Canyon on our motorcycles on our way to Bear Lake. No matter how many times I drive through that canyon my breath gets caught in my throat as if it were the first time and I stare wide eyed, in awe of the beautiy that encompasses me. If it is possible, it was even more breath taking on my bike as we sailed around the curves, leaning into the turns, feeling the wind rip around my silhouette, getting lost in the sea of green and blue, as black asphalt thundered under my tires. I have to admit to feeling a little nervous at times, after all this was only my second long ride ever, but exhileration consistantly won out as the overriding emotion.

We rode over after church and got a milkshake (huge, yummy, cookie dough, browning shake), Kel got fries too, and we walked around for a few minutes before begining our journey back through the canyon. We stopped at the over look to take pictures and use the rest room and found ourselves surrounded by 30 + harley riders. I have to admit I felt pretty intimidated and had a slight fear that they would all walk over to my bike, begin pointing, and laughing hysterically, and make comments about my bike being a glorified scooter. . hehe. . .thank goodness most of the things we imagine never happen :). I hope you appreciate these pictures, it took us nearly 20 minutes to figure out how to work the self timer on the camera (we were too "afraid" to ask one of the bikes to take it for fear of drawing attention to ourselves. . okay well I guess I can't speak for Kel- thats why I didn't ask.)

In other news, we slept in and ended up going to our new ward (which we will move into on the 15th) and it seems to be very welcoming. I think Kel and I are the only people in the ward without children, or grandchildren for that matter other than a couple that moved in last week and who got married 2 weeks ago. They all seemed to welcome us with open arms. I had to introduce myself and "tell everyone everything about myself" (that is what the relief society president requested, "tell us everything about yourself"). I'm pretty sure I missed a lot, but after the meeting a woman approached me and told me that her husband is in hospital admininstration over psych and that his sister has schizophrenia whom she had had to care for and she began to thank me repeately for the work I have chosen to do and told me that she could tell by my spirit that I was changing lives and helping people, it nearly brought me to tears. I think it will be a great ward.

We spent today cleaning and getting somethings ready to be packed, went to walmart, I went for a 5 mile run with a girl I work with in the rain, and then came home watched a movie as usual. I can't say I'm super excited for work tomorrow, but i guess i'll survive.

A Little Slice of Heaven

2010-06-06T01:23:00.004-06:00

I know everyone probably gets so sick of hearing about how amazing my little dog is and if you are one of those people I will not be offended if you skip the first part of this post, if you've never met tuff you couldn't possibly understand how amazing he really is and why he is so loved- I never would have believed that a dog could change my life or the lives of those I love- but he has.

We went up to the burg on Saturday morning and stopped in IF to show the house to a couple and to see what kind of condition it was left in (thankfully it looked great- Thanks Lisa!). The couple seemed interested and promised to call if it was something they wanted to persue and we headed for Mom and Dad's. We got there just as they were cleaning out the camper from their waterlogged rained out camping trip- apparently dad spent about 90% of the time sleeping in the camper- which he actually really enjoyed. Tuff puppy came to meet us and spent most of the afternoon curled up with me on the living room floor. We ended up taking Dusty out to Cafe Rio for his belated birthday dinner around 6pm and then feeling completely stuffed I waited a couple hours before doing the Zumba CD mom had ordered off one of those late night infomercials (it was a decent product-amazingly) before falling asleep in the recliner as ususal.

We forced ourselved to get up in time for church at nine because Dad was being released from the bishopric and it's only fair that after 5 years your family supports you in a release of that magnitude ;) It was also fun to watch those who had made it clear that they expected him to be called as the new bishop eye us (Me, Kel, and DUSTY) near the back row. Dad had made it apparent in the weeks prior that being the bishop was not a part of his future plans by telling anyone who made insinuating comments that if he were called as bishop there would be a for sale sign in the front yard and beer cans scattered across the lawn. Obviously he wasn't called as bishop.

After church we made dutch oven potatoes, chicken, cabbage salad, rolls, and cookies and ate to our hearts content. Dad seemed earnestly relieved and relaxed. After dinner Tuff, Mom, and I went for a little walk and then we spent the rest of the evening relaxing and being lazy.

The weather was terrible there as usual but we got to spend some quality time with the people that matter the most. Watching my Mom and Dad with my puppy was truely a piece of heaven. I never thought in a million years I would see my parents love an animal so much, it makes me sad to think of them without him despite my missing him so much. Mom tells me all the time that they love him so much because he is mine. . . but I think it is true that he really is special and he was brought to us for a reason. Monday, Kel and I took tuff to the nature park to run around. When he stated to get thirsty we took him down to the edge of the water to get a drink and across the water an a small outcropping were several geese. Tuff did his "tilt the head to one side" as if completely confused by the odd creatures before him, he continued to watch them closely until one floated out into the water in a direction Tuff interpreted as toward us. He let out a little whimper and all 70lbs of him bolted up the embankment as if he were sure the goose was going to eat him alive. . . silly little dog. . . he's such a pasy. . .but thats the way I like him.

We went out on the boat that afternoon even though it was overcast and chilly and Dusty convinced Kel to ride on the tubes with him. Did I mention that the water was still so clod that it seemed it could turn to slush any minute. Kel lasted for about 4 minutes. During those 4 minutes the look on his face was that of sheer terror, as if he might die if submerged in the fridged liquid. He fought hard to stay upright but lost the battle and when his head pushed through the surface of water he appeared to be wracked with pain. It took him was seemed like a minute to gasp for a breath of air and when he got in the boat his skin was a shade of liliac. Dusty however remained out on the death biscuits for nearly 10 more minutes before finally succoming to the cold. We left stright from the lake and headed to settled up with Lisa on our way through IF. We also met with the woman we had shown the house to saturday for one more look. She said that they had decided they wanted to rent it and all that was left was the application process. We gave her an application and she promised to send it the following morning. We got to Logan around 9:30pm and I went for a much needed jog and then Kel and I trudged up the stairs and let our bodies sink into our thick pillowtop mattress.

Kel started his training for the operator position at work on Tuesday (HE GETS TO WORK TUES-SAT 8am-4pm!!! for the next 3 months!!!) and I headed to work as usual. It continues to rain here which has put a damper on our bike riding, but despite the rain, the temperature has been perfect and I must admit I have actually enjoyed it. Work was crazier than usual this week because were are currently full at both houses (12 clients per house) and I feel like I can't run fast enough to keep up with them all plus we had an admission which always puts a kink in my schedule. All the while there was a hint of anxiety lurking in the background as we waited for the rental application and down payment for our home to arrive in the mail. It peaked on Wednesday when we still hadn't seen it so I made Kel call to check on things- luckily it arrived on Friday and so far the references are looking good (THANK HEAVEN!)

Last night we stopped in to bug Dan and Laurel and made plans to do hobo dinners and smores up the canyon tonight. Today I got up and met the girls at the gym for yoga and then I went for a swim and took my bike back to the shop to have it looked at again because it wasn't shifting properly. I finally got home around 2:30 and began calling our potential renters references and Laurel to solidify our plans for tonight. Kel got off a little early so we ran to the store to get a few things for smores and then we headed to Dan and Laurels to put things together. We stopped at Dan's parents house to pick up wood on our way to the canyon- they are the most amazing people- and ended up spending some quality time talking with them. When we got up to Green Canyon we found a beautiful secluded campling spot, made our fire, cooked our dinner, ate, and just enjoyed God's creations. It was so fun to watch Penny (dan and laurels dog) run in circles around the camp like the devil was after her. I can't think of a more relaxing, peaceful feeling than is found in the mountains. The crackle of the fire and flames as they appear to dance and take on a life of their own is soothing to my soul. We had a wonderful time and I can't wait til tuff can come play with us in the mountains.

Well, as usual, it is way WAY past my bed time and church comes early in the morning. I'll try to post some pics from the fire soon.

Me, worry?

2010-05-28T01:03:00.000-06:00

Okay so I just wanted to make a quick update- I promise it will be quick because my pillow is screaming my name. I just wanted to share that there is no longer the possibility of us being homeless at the end of June (really good news!) there is however, still the possibility of having to pay for rent and a morgage after June (not so great news), but we still have a whole month to remedy that situation (prayers welcome :) ).

My wonderful husband worked his magic and negotiated our way into townhouse complex that allows pets. The place is a little smaller than our current town house, however, we will have a garage, our own little patios and spot of grass, and best of all- TUFF PUPPY! I can hardly wait! The negotiation came into play with when we would have to sign the contract due to availability and a few of their pet policies, which thankfully they were willing to over look (let just say for the sake of our application Tuff is not a boxer, boxers are a banned breed, and thanks to the flexibility of the manager, my little boy gets to remain a little boy and will not have to loose a valuable part of himself). We did end up having to agree to pay for half of June in order to get a spot which may make things a little hairy because we have to pay for all of June at our current Hell Hole. . oh did I say that out loud. . I meant apartment. I can't even express my elation about being out of this place, which is actually kinda sad because they would be really nice places if it weren't for the management. But of course, being the person that I am, I'm still having moments of panic when I picture our bank account plummeting when faced with 1.5 months worth of rent + security deposit + pet deposit in June + potentially a morgage payment + rent payment in July. Me, worry? Is that even a question. I'm pretty sure Kel has come to the conclusion that if anything bad could ever happen- I have already thought about it, worried about it, and tried to develop a plan to avoid, manage, or change it even though it never happens 99.9% percent of the time. Healthy- I'm sure not (though Kel also admits that because he never worries about anything, my excessive worry actually creates and interesting balance in our lives). Trust me, if I could will myself to not worry about things I would do it in a heart beat because deep down I know that things will work out, but every time I try not to worry, I just end up worrying about worrying as well as worrying about whatever it is I was trying not to worry about. Lets just say counter productive ;). So I guess the moral is- I'm a worrier, born, bread, and corn fed, and that likely will not change any time soon but rest assured that any time I verbalize my distress about anything and everything in my life you can just wait a few days or weeks or hours and check my blog and most often it will all be resolved and I'll be on to my next subject of worry. Luckily I am usually very aware of the wasted energy that goes into my worrying- I jsut haven't figured out how to see it in the moment- always something to work on.

P.S. we will be moving on the 15th! HOORRAAYY! Oh and we get to go to Idaho this weekend to see the fam and little dog, it should be a good time :).

My First Solo Expedition. . . and finally some pictures!

2010-05-25T23:38:00.004-06:00

What a crazy week! Sadly the housing situation hasn't improved, but I'm happy to report that I'm handling it better than I was during my last post :). I do find myself spending obscene amounts of time searching classifieds for the perfect fit in logan and reposting adds for our house in Idaho Falls. I got a funny call today about our house. The woman asked for me and then proceded to tell me that after seeing the photo's on the add she knew our house was perfect. She then went on to say that she and her husband have two children (still pretty normal) and that an long haul trucker would be renting on of the room (weird but okay). She then told me that she and her husband have 3 cars and that the trucker has three cars but that she was sure they could make it work. She told me that she and her family were moving from Washington state and would be in town to check it out on the 7th and that she would send me an email so I could send her the application. I hung up with all the infromation swirling around in my head for a moment before returning to work. A few minutes later I received and email from her stating that "just as a warning" their credit "wasn't very good" they are both unemployed but "the unemployment check would more than cover the rent" and that the long haul trucker wouldn't be able to be in town to sign the contract but that he had given her all the information for the contract, oh and as a side note "there may be an eviction on thier credit from 2004" but she wasn't sure. Talk landlords nightmare! Needless to say we will not be approving thier application!

Now for the good stuff. Yesterday Kel and I got up and went swimming and then came home and took a nap together (doesn't sound like much but when you never sleep at the same time, it's really comforting just to feel warmth next to you as you drift into dream land. I got up and worked on cleaning and sorting the house so that we can be ready to pack if and when we find a place to live (this all was brought on by going through our closets on sunday and taking 6 giant bags of clothing and misc stuff to DI). I started on dinner around 8 and we jsut had time to eat before we met Dan and Laurel at Rock Haus to go rock climbing (finally after 3 years of begging I convinced Kel to go with me!) It was so much fun! I climbed until I couldn't move my fingers and my arms felt like jello- in a good way ;).

The weather has had some drastic mood swings the last few days and at a moments notice has gone from sunny and warm to pouring rain to clouding and cool, to overcast and humid and back all in a matter of hours or minutes which put a damper on any motorcycle riding over the weekend. I had been keeping my eye on the weather report and it reported that today was supposed to be the turn around day and I wasn't about to let one good day slip through my fingers unembraced! I got up early and hurried through my morning routine beacuse today was going to be the day. . . the day I would attain a status I had only previously been able to dream about. . I was going to take my first official solo motorcycle ride. I made sure that I had as much protective gear as I could pile onto my medium frame and set out to start my bike. Luckily I turned the key and pushed the starter button and it came to life. As the aroma of new leather saturated the air around me and I felt the soft hide wrap my upper body in warmth I slid the zipper up to my collar bones and secured the buckle of my helmet under my chin.
I slid my leg over the left side of the rumbling machine until my foot rested securely on the foot peg. I could feel my heart quicken just slightly in my chest as I reminded myself that I could do this. I checked my back pack to ensure it was securely fastened and then I rolled the bike back to a point where I had a straight shot out of the parking lot and onto the street. I squeezed the clutch with my left hand and shifted into 1st gear, I paused for just a moment as everything I knew about motorcycles (which wasn't much) sped through my consiousness. I pushed it all back as I slowly released the clutch and gave the bike some gas. I was off. It was a beautiful day and the further I went the better I felt (with the exception of my fingers, which became closer and closer to freezing and falling off my hands the faster I went). It was exhilerating, and frightening, and SO MUCH FUN! I took several back streets and covered the 25 miles to work just in time to be 5 minutes late (luckily someone or several people are always at least 5 minutes late). I felt like a million bucks (though my fingers did not recover until a hour into my treatment team meeting). Coming home it all felt second nature and the fear slipped into the background- it was a good day!

I met the girls for swimming at sports academy at 7 and we went swimming and then I went for a run and came home to Kel sleeping and the quiet of an almost empty house. The funny thing is, things are never as they appear, each day could be good or bad dependent on my attitude- nothing spectacular happened today (well, except for my bike ride) and I'm sure if I tried I could think of at least 15 things that didn't go well, but today I was happy and postive and because I was happy and positive my day was great. . its all in the perspective and what we choose to focus on. I'm no always good at taking the positve outlook (obviously if you have read half the entries in my blog) but there hasn't been a day that I can't look back and see the reason why it was so difficult and when I can't look back with gratitude in my heart for my experiences.

Cheez it warfare

2010-05-20T22:01:00.000-06:00

I have a love hate relationship with cheez it's. There is just something about the sharp cheddar taste that is irresitable to my taste buds. It becomes a war zone when two factors enter my life simultaneously- Cheese it's and anxiety (or stress, each inevitably leads to the other). I just can't resist. So needless to say over the past week or so I have personally funded the construction of a whole new cheez it factory complete with all the cheddar a little mouses heart could desire- good for them- not so good for me.

Since Sunday I have been bombarded with an overwhelming sense of worry and dread that I have successfully avoided for a year. The realization that in little more than 5 weeks we will no longer have our current renters in our house in Idaho Falls and we will be moving out of our current apartment hit pretty hard and was then compacted by a million other little uncertainties. Our current dilema is finding renters (preferabley good ones) before the end of June or being faced with making a house payment and potentially a rent payment each month. There is also the problem that we can't get our current renters to give us a specific date that they will be moving out which makes it very difficult to find new renters. The next issue happens to be with our own rental situation in Logan. We just happened to pick the one apartment in Logan where the Landlord will not answer or return phone calls, will not fix anything, and will not accept repeated certified letters and there are several rumors that there is not hope of recovering any part of your deposit upon moving out. Now, while we are trying to find renters we are also trying to find a place that we can afford that will allow us to have tuff- sadly not an easy task. On top of that, we went in to get our Utah Drivers Licenses at the DMV and 2 trips and 3.5 hours later we left with 2 licenses and only one motorcycle permit. I think I probably vented about finding out that you have to have your birth certificate to renew or do anything with your drivers license, well come to find out (once we got to the DMV the second time) you also need your old license, ss card, w2, marriage license, prior license number if you had previously been licensed in the state, 2 utilitity bills from the current month (don't worry- they wouldn't accept the bill we brought that was from march and made us go all the way home to get a more recent one), and some other form of proof of residence (and don't forget- the birth certificate has to be a certified copy!) I like to think there are few things that make me really angry but by the time they took my picture there was visible steam rising from my head! Thankfully, the second man to assist me either took pity on me or was afraid for his life and didn't make me take the open book driving test and allowed me to just take the motorcycle test (which thankfully I passed). Kel on the other had was escorted to a different booth and did not come out quite so lucky. He passed the open book test but didn't quite pass the motorcycle test (talk about irony if you know anything about my husband- he has been riding motorcycle longer than most of us have been walking while I have been riding for little over a month) likely due to test anxiety. Lets just say if my head was steaming, Kel had flames shooting out of his ears. Needless to say the rest of the afternoon was less than pleasant.

Then to top off all of the stress, all of our friends and neighbors are moving out this month (one is loading the truck as I type) and are going to be free of the hell hole (pardon my french, but its as close as my imagination could come to that place without me ever having seen it) while we sit in the gray area (our contract is not up until the end of June), knowing we are going, but having no where to go, afraid of what might be, or what won't be, caught in the space in between.

We watched The Lovely Bones the other day and though it was not a movie I would ever like to see again, the place where the little girl is trapped throughout the movie was very disturbing to me and may be the best visual depiction of the place where I feel we are currently trapped. . .just waiting in complete uncertainty, between two places and not knowing what lies ahead and knowing that what is behind is not a place we want to be. For any of you who don't really know me, that place is one of the scariest, most anxiety provoking, and stressful situations I could be in. I don't handle complete unceratinty well and when there are multiple aspects of my life that are spiraling I find myself fighting the quicksand that is slowly sucking me into the suffocating darkness.

(as a side note, I have found myself thinking alot about how others percieve me or have percieved me in the past. I find that I haven't been thinking about it in the same way I used to think about it, in a way that made me want to be whatever everyone wanted me to be, but now in a way of just wondering how many people truely know who I am and if I truely know who I am. Maybe thats strange. To me its strange to think about how I have changed and what the Melanie today is like compared to the Melanie in high school or the Melanie in college. I feel different, but maybe i'm just the same, or maybe I'm completely different. . I can never really tell.)

Anyway, all my crazy ramblings aside, there is always a silver lining to every rain cloud. I think in the last few weeks I have let the menacing gray monopolize my attention and I have been so focused on the percieved storm that I have missed the glimmers of sunlight the have burst around the edges of the darkness. I tend to let anxiety and stress trample my resolve and inner strength even when I know deep down it will all work out. Some of those rays of sunshine this week, as silly as they may be, have been getting my leather jacket in the mail that I got for my birthday and a helmet to protect what little brains I still have floating around in my head, going for a jog in the rain, feeling the warm sun on my face and shoulders and seeing the slight golden tones in my skin reappear thanks to the warm spring rays, watching my girls laugh and play during yoga, the warm embrace of my sweet husband at 5 in the morning when he got of early and sharing a few short hours cuddled in slumber until it's my turn to go to work, playing with dan and laurels newest addition and getting puppy kisses, when Kel called me the dog whisperer, thinking about my sweet little puppy, and a million other miracle that flutter in and out of my world.

I may have lost the Cheez it battle, but I am still fighting the war, and somehow it will all work out.

Playing Catch Up

2010-05-12T23:59:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I haven't written in almost 2 weeks! I guess life has been a little crazier than usual. Where to begin? Well. . .I guess I can blame part of the reason for not making an entry on Family Week- a week where all of my girls parents fly in from all over the country and spend a week doing intense family therapy as well as learning about our program. It's one of my favorite and least favorite weeks to work. I love it because I get to meet all the families face to face, answer questions, and build lasting relationships and it is held in town so I dont' have to drive 300 mile that week; I hate it because along with all of my regular work I have to do a million extra things to get done that week. I was in charge of putting together the initiative (a challenge activity) for the last day of the week. Its kind of hard to be the one doing the last event of the week and feeling like that is the one think that will really stick out and wrap up everything else that has gone on over the last four days. I did an activity called hover boards and hot lava and it actually went very well. It is amazing the insight that can be drawn from a hands on physical activity. Needless to say I was extremely grateful when Friday rolled around.

Mom and Dad took us to dinner (chili's) and stayed the night on Thrusday night on thier way to pick up doors and Kandace and Chad came up and went to dinner (wingers) with us on Friday night. It was a lot of fun! Kel got called off from work friday night so we actually got to sleep together, sort of. He had planned to go to Rexburg for the weekend to spend mothers day with the family so Kel got up at 6am and loaded the dirt bikes and got things ready to go. I rolled out of bed around 7, not of my own free will, and proceded to pack a few things- number one on my list was my pillow. We were on the road by about 8 and we decided to stop in and see Nate and Kayla and thier new puppy on our way through Idaho Falls. We spent a couple hours with them, laughing til our faces hurt as always and then we went to a couple motorsports stores to check out leather jackets. I decided that was what I wanted to get with my birthday money so that I don't end up leaving half of my epidermis on the pavement in the off chance that I was rocket launched from my bike (don't worry, a helmet is also in the works :) ). I found one that I really like but they didn't have my size so I did some checking around and found it for cheaper on the internet and ordered it last night (I'M SO EXCITED. . . SOMETIMES i WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING BIGGER THAN CAPS THAT COULD TRUELY CONVEYED MY EXCITEMENT!) Anyway, we got to mom and dad's around one and were starving so we raided all of mom's cupboards and then I went out to see my little dog- oh how I missed him. Mom and I took Tuff for a jog around the block (not a city block mind you) during which we found ourselves in several precarious situations, we were chased and barked at by nearly every dog in the neighborhood (nearly 1000), stalked and taken by surprise, and nearly used as chew toys. We also ran into bishop Wetzel (aka grandpa) and spent nearly 30 minutes enjoying his company. By the time we got back home the boys were again complaining that they were near starvation. Dusty came over and Dad grilled some burgers and mom and I made fresh salsa and spinach salad. Then with our stomachs full, we sunk into to couch and drifted in and out of sleep.

Church started at 9am so I drug myself once from the couch where I had fallen into a coma the night before barely able to convince myself to move from my dream state to the concious world at around 8:20am. Layne Arnold and his wife spoke and during Layne's talk I was laughing so hard that tears streamed down my face. They delivered beautiful messages. After church it was back to preparing more food (I'm pretty sure I ate more than I prepared during the preparations phase) and taking Tuff out. Dad got home around 2 and I was still feeling full from taste testing everything as I was making it but as usual I didn't let that stop me from enjoying dinner. With out tummys full once again, mom and I decided to take tuff for a walk and Kel and Dusty decided to take a quick dirt bike ride up the hill. Tuff decided to be naughty and had to be reprimanded several times, he was what mom call's "puppy on crack" and it took everything I had just to keep him moving in a relatively forward direction. After our walk we went to Dusty's and watched Avatar on Blue Ray, it was actually really cool. I have to admit that I really wasn't at all interested in watching it expecially due to all of the hype but I did find it quite creative and there is something to be said about blue ray- it was beautiful.

The plan was to sleep in Monday morning though thanks to my internal alarm clock I didn't make it much past 8:30 and even though I felt exausted I couldn't fall back asleep. Rather than fight it, we got up and got ready to go for a ride, it was looking like a beautiful day and I was excited to get out and ride again. Sadly, I had a few near death moments and wrecked once unlike last time when I just seemed to pick it up instinctively. It was still fun even though we didn't go very far. When we got back to the house we layed in the sun on eht lawn for a while and then Kel went in to go back to bed while I helped mom finish up some garage doors. I eventually ended on a lounge chair on the patio with tuff dog curled up against my legs as we both drifted in and out of dreams and reality. Tuff jolted awake to the sound of the trailer in the field signifying that dusty was back and his jolt launched me hurtling back to reality. The sun felt warm on my face and the relaxation seemed to penatrate my entire body making it difficult to will my body to move. Once I was able to once again rouse myself, Mom, Dusty and I went to deliver the doors and then stopped to get frozen yogurt at Millhollow (SO YUMMY!). Kel and I left to come back home around 6:30pm and I once again found myself fighting against lead weighted eyelids, I lost the battle several times on the 2 and a half hour drive and often woke myself as my head suck and then jerked back to an upright position. My poor body was begging for the rest. I went for a run when we got home and it felt amazing- nothing hurt- and I felt like I had limitless energy, it was amazing! I got home just as Kel was getting ready to go to work and I showered and headed straight for bed.

The rest of the week has been fairly typical. We are waiting to hear whether Kel will get the promotion that he interveiwed for last week and it's been back to work as usual, if my job ever actually fits into the category of "usual." My client that went into cardiac arrest is not showing signs of congestive heart failure and will be moved to a medical based program and another client was jsut readmitted after she tried to jump out of one of the suburbans at nearly 60mph and was sent to a lock down psych unit for the weekend, it's been a rough month.

Today Kel helped move Jason and Arianne into thier rental house and we went to a goodbye bbq for some of our friends who are moving to Jackson Hole to work for the summer. Kel just left for work and that is a pretty good sign that I should be "hitting the great white biscuit" as my dad used to say (don't worry, I don't understand it either- maybe he just said it because it didnt' make sense and it made us laugh hysterically as kids :) ) either way, my bed is calling my name and there are still 2 days til the weekend and 3 until I have a full day off so I'm going to try to give my body a little rest before the sun rises.

A Little Sunshine

2010-04-26T23:23:00.001-06:00

After all the birthday hype has settled (THANKS SO MUCH TO EVERYONE FOR THIER KIND THOUGHTS, WISHES, AND GIFTS!), Life continues to roll along in its usual fashion. Sadly the rest of the week following my birthday didn't leave me feeling as good as I did on Monday, though I have had a few "better" moments and days. I seriously is the strangest experience, at times I feel like I can't keep going, that my whole ody is just going to shut down and if I'll only close my eyes I'll escape the pain and discomfort while other times the symptoms run in the background changing tune but interfering little with my current activity. I find the moments of anxiety and panic slipping in occationally with thoughts of cancer or liver failure or any other horiffic thing that my brain can conjure could be causing all of this, luckily logic wins out and I'm able to move through the moment into the next. The hardest part is not giving up, not succoming to the tears or the pain or the uncertainty. I often find myself staying up late for fear of what the morning will bring, will I feel better, or worse- will I feel worse? I did have a consult with my doctor in Idaho Falls last week and she is currently thinking that all of this is being caused by an auto immune response but the question is to what. I am going to be doing a food allergy blood test to see if that turns anything up but in the meantime its just more waiting. So far though, 26 has definitely proved to be better than 25 (it doesn't take much ;)).

We had a fire and I cooked dutchoven potatoes and cobbler on the night of my birthday and it was SO good- I ate til I felt like I was going to pop but it was worth every bite! Laurel and Dan brought me a present- an motorcycle key chain and cafe rio gift card along with turtle chocolates (they know me too well). Kayla sent me a card with old pictures of us on which she had written little captions- it was an amazing gift and I found myself grinning ear to ear as memories of us played through my head. Mom and Dad obviously took me to dinner and gave me some b day cash ( I litteraly have the most amazing parents on the whole planet! I don't know what I would do without them- they are the most generous supporting people I have ever met) and I also got a sweet card from Mom and Dad Eppich with more b day cash (also so sweet and caring!) which I plan to use to purchase a leather jacket to prevent road rash heaven forbit I ever come in contact with the ground!

Tuesday was long as usual and Wednesday and Thrusday were relatively uneventful. Friday night Kel and I took Laurel to Cafe RIo for dinner and then spent the rest of the evening chatting about life at our place until Dan got done with school. Saturday we slept in and I went to the gym to meet the adolescents at 10 for swimming and they I swam laps- it felt good to be in the water. When I got home Kel was trying desperately to wake up. We took the motorcycles out to have lunch at the Old Grist
Mill and then we drove around looking for houses for rent. When we passed the theater in Providence, Kel noticed that they were playing Clash Of The Titans in 3D (2 weeks ago we got into an arguement because we had tried to go see it but found out it wasn't in 3D and I hadn't really wanted to go to it in the first place but had consented because kel wanted to seen a movie in 3D- well Kel bought tickets anyway and I told him that if it came out in 3D later I wouldn't go to it again so he took the tickets back and they gave us 2 free vouchers.) - so we had two free tickets and I knew he wanted to see it so we went and go tickets. We drove around for a little longer and then came back home and jsut relaxed for a while. We went to the movie and sadly we were both sorely disappointed so we decided to drown our sorrows in Maverick Frozen Yogurt and Charlies Cookie Dough- SO GOOD! Dan and Laurel stopped by for a minute after we got home and then we went to bed. Sunday we finally made it to our own ward and then came home and layed around the house and took a nap.When we woke up we decided to go to second dam and have a fire, cook grilled cheese sandwiches in our cast iron skillet, and fish. It was a little windy and cold but still a lot of fun. By about 8:30 a hot shower was sounding really nice so we packed up our stuff and headed out of the canyon. Kel's decided we needed another round of frozen yogurt so we stopped and picked some up on the way home- still worth it :).

This morning we slept in until I had to go to a work meeting at 11am at the corperate office. I road my bike in and got back home around 12:30pm. Kel was laying one the couch and said he wasn't feeling very well (most likely due to drinking sour milk in his protien shake and then trying to work out). I decided to go for a jog and it went relatively well- I didnt' feel great, but I didn't feel horrible either so thank heaven for small favors. I got back home around 1:30pm and Kel and I ran to Walmart on the BIkes to pick up some food for family home evening tonight with Dan and Laurel and TOmmy and Katie. When we got home, Kel went to be and I got to work in the kitchen. I made crock pot chicken, cabbage salad, roated asparagus, and filled celery sticks with peanut butter for Kel to take to work tonight. FHE was a lot of fun- we ate and played the Celestial Couples game (pretty Hillarious). Kel and I lost for the first time in the second round of sudden death!

I'm so grateful for a little sunshine the past few days- it seriously makes event he hardest things seem a little more tolerable. Little gifts from God to light out way.

One Sleeve :)

2010-04-19T23:38:00.000-06:00

I have so much to write about and so little time! Kel and I bought motorcycles last week! I got a 250 Honda Rebel and Kel got an 1100 Honda Shadow and it's SO fun! I think I have caught on pretty fast, we went on my first official on the road ride yesterday and went about 60 miles- it was awesome, a little freaky at times, but incredible! We also went on a little ride today to see a peice of property that Kel is going to help our friend Craig build a house on- it was beautiful.

So today is my 26th birthday- I'm not too sure how I feel about that. 25 was a long hard year so its nice to see it go, but at the same time 26 is an age I never really saw myself at. So far it has been great, its a gorgious day in Logan and it started off with a bike ride followed by a run. The great part is that for the first time in a year I felt almost normal. I was able to jog and feel the sun on my face without unbareable pain or fatigue. Thank goodness for little blessings- it was the best gift I could have been given today. I ended up running for over an hour because it felt so good and I was afraid to stop for fear that it wasn't real. We are going up the canyon later to have a fire and cook dutch oven potatoes and cobbler (I think I have way over done eating all my favorite foods this weekend: cafe rio, boston cream pie, fruit pizza, dutch oven potatoes, cobbler- life is good :) ) with some of our friends, it should be really fun. Plus I got to take my adolescent girls to play in the park today, so overal it has been an incredible day!

Now for the good stuff. So I know you are all tired of hearing about Kel's gastric issues, but this one I could not bare to leave out. We decided to go for a hike up the crimson trail in Logan Canyon on saturday afternoon. The weather was beautiful and the perfect temperature for a hike. We started out and right of the bat I started not feeling very well, but I was determined not to let my stupid health stop me from doing the things that I love so we pressed forward. On this particular hike, you hike up a steep trail for the first mile, zig zaging back and forth from switch back to switch back then you hike another mile along a rolling though fairly flat ridge before dropping back down a steep decent into another campground and the trail loops back along the river to where you began. Well we made it to the peak of the climb and encountered several patches of waist deep snow, I in my chacos and Kel in his shorts. We weren't going to let a little snow stop us so we kept moving. As were were rounding a bend, nearly 2 miles into the hike, Kel started talking about having cramps. We kept walking but soon it was obvious that he was not going to make it to the end of the trail. We debated for several minutes what might serve as an adiquate substitude for t.p. and came to the realization that he had few options to choose from. I stood in chacos, capri's and a t- shirt, and kel in tennis shoes, socks, shorts, boxers, and t shirt. My first thought was socks- though that was quickly shut down due to a previous experience that ended in horrible blisters. As we stood in thought for those few seconds, Kel suddenly turned and bolted up the montain side behind some trees. I could see his figure squating through the trees and began to giggle as I saw him remove his shirt. I called up to him and he yelled back that he had made is decision, he would use his sleeve. Watching him crouched in the bushes, I could barely stifle my laughter as I heard fabric tearing. He emerged. . a sight I hope to never forget, one that brought me to the ground with laughter. Out of the trees walked my sweet huband shoes, socks, boxers, shorts, and his shirt. . with a ragged frayed edge surrounding one deltiod. He emerged with one sleeve and a relieved look on his face. I cannot remember the last time I laughed that hard. Tears streamed from my face and I found myself struggling to suck in gulps of oxygen. He looked like he had been attacked by some wild animal, barely escaping with his life and on sleeve. As we continued down the trail I found myself giggling intermittently, though the best was when we would approach other hikers. Seeing their faces as they took in his muscular frame sporting a torn t shirt was enough to make anyone laugh out loud. One older couple commented as they passed that he looked like he has surivived an encounter with a grizzly. . .if only they new the real story!

This weekend came with a lot of joy, though a usual it was preceded by a lot of turmoil. Last week may have been one of my most difficult. On Thursday, I experienced one of the most tramatic, heart wrenching, life changing events of my life. It started out like any other day at work: treatment team, meet with clients, admit, all the makings of a normal day. I finished up with an intake just in time to meet my adult girls at the gym. I rode my bike there from the house because it was a beautiful day and pulled into the parking lot just as my girls were walking toward the door. I informed them that we would be playing basketball and was met with several groans and a few positive comments. We entered the gym and I gave each girl specific instructions, we would shoot hoops and warm up for the first 20 minutes and then those who were medically cleared and chose to could play a game. One of my clients who has been fairly fragile physically approached me and asked if she could walk rather than shoot hoops. Recently she has been quite manipulative about physical activity and has pushed her limits often putting her health and safety at risk. I told her that she could not walk and should particiapte in the activity with her peers. She walked away and began drippling a basket ball. While the girls played, I sat with the nurse and DC staff and was enjoying listening to their conversations while monitoring the girls activity levels. Without warning, the client who had asked to walk crumpled to a heap on the floor and began convulsing. One of my worst nightmares was coming true right before my eyes. THe nurse and a Direct Care staff rushed to her had began CPR as soon as the convulsions stopped while another DC staff called 911. I gathered the other girls and ushered them out into the front lobby where I left them with the third DC staff and I returned to the gym. My girl was still un responsive and the nurse was still doing CPR. The sight and feeling is one I will never forget, nausea seemed to penetrated every inch of my body for one brief second until I pushed it out and forces myself to be the professional, the strong one, the calm collected asset that I was required to be in that moment. I began calling our Nurse Practioner, Nurse Manager, and the DIrector of Patient Services and then I stood there in shock with the sinking feeling that I may be watching a young womans last moments. It seemed like an eternity before the paramedics arrived and took over the patients care. THey were like angels sweeping in to an earthly hell. We all stood back, praying, forcing ourselves to believe that there was a chance that this wouldn't end in a tragedy, and feeling as though it were all some terrible nightmare, wish we could wake up. I went out to check on the other girls and tried to sound positive and calm. I sent them home with a Direct Care staff and the nurse and another staff headed for the hospital. I got to my bike and was half way down the road by the time the ambulance passed me. I'm not sure if I have ever pedaled so hard in my entire life. I flew into the parking lot of our apartment and practically hurled my bike at our front door as I began running across the street to the hospital. By the time I reached the ER the adrenaline was wearing off and I was fighting tears. The fear was becoming real, and my mind was begining to realize that waking up was no longer an option. I met the other staff member inside the doors and we were directed to a waiting room down the hall without any information as to the status of our patient. I sat in the small room, her face burned into my mind, stunned. "this can't be happening" repeated like a broken record in my head, and then came the guilt. Like a tital wave it hit me and sent me reeling, flailing, fighting for breath. Was this all my fault? Why wasn't I paying closer attention to her? Why didn't I tell her she needed to sit out? Why didn't I respond faster when she feel? Why did the DC staff have to give her CPR because I pause an extra second in stunned fear? What if she died? It was so overwhelming that I felt numb, frozen, afraid to move for fear the pain and guilt would crush me. THe other two girls sat and talked and processed through some of thier feelings though thier eye remained dry and they appeared calm and collected, while i sat fighting the burning sensation in my eyes and the urge to scream and sob. The Nurse manager came in to tell us that she had a pulse but that they were unsure how long she had been without oxygen and to what extent that may have damaged her brain. She was on a ventilator and was stable for the moment. The director of patient services showed up and processed with us for a few minutes. When he go to me, tears streamed from my eyes and the the damned up emotion began to gush. I was able to pull myself back together before I broke into a million pieces. But I still felt lost and alone, cold and numb. We sat in the waiting room for another hour talking with the nurse practioner who found out that the patients potassium was low suggesting that she may have been secretly purging. I couldn't get rid of the nausea in the pit of my stomach. I walked home, hoping that Kel would be awake, praying that he would hold me and make the image that I saw everytime I closed my eyes disappear. When I walked in the house I found Kel in the depths of sleep. He stirred, but it was obvious that he would not be conherant any time soon. I went to the gym and swam and tried not to think about what had happened. The whole evening began to seem like a cloudy fantasy. I got home and was exhausted but unsure whether I could go to sleep, I took a sleeping pill and closed my eyes. For the next few days, and even now at times, I get hit with the warm wave of guilt, fear, pain, and sadness. All I could think about was finding away to take it back, make it go away, and returning to a moment when it was all okay. If only life worked that way.

Thank Goodness for Good Husbands

2010-04-19T18:34:00.001-06:00

I'll be the first to admit that marriage hasn't been the blissful vacation that I may have one day imagined it would be, there are really hard times. In fact, I would dare say that being married has been on of the most difficult things I have ever done. With that said- it has also been one of the most rewarding and fullfilling choices I have ever made. I am so blessed to have found a wonderful man who has been willing to put up with me for the last three years, one that has worked so hard to make our lives better, and one that I know would do anything for me. The good has always outweighed the difficult. I think at times it has been discouraging to see other couples who appear to have the perfect marriage, who seem to never disagree, who you could never picture saying an unkind word even in moments of stress, anger, or disappointment. I openly admit that Kel and I have not been that couple, but we have stuck together and worked through relentless struggle, rarely with grace, but always ending up hand in hand in the end and probably stronger and better prepared to face whatever hurricane comes next.
In three years of marriage, we have spent most of our time working and sleep, currently I work while Kel sleeps and he sleeps while I work, and cherishing the few hours we are actually in the same place at the same time.
As hard as this time in our lives has seemed, I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude this weekend. We decided to just stay home and spend time together without thought or worry about our responsibilities. We went for walks, shopped, talked, and took naps. We went to Nancy and Steve's home for breakfast and the first session of conference and were definitely spiritually and physically fed. Sunday we stayed in our PJ's and watch conference and slept then took a long walk and discussed life. It felt so good just to be together. Just to give you a little window into my little husband he cleaned the kitchen twice and did all the dishes and helped with dinner. He does most of our laundry and always has my truck started and cleaned off before I need to leave for work, all while working 40 + hours per week of graveyard shifts.

Ups and Downs

2010-03-29T22:32:00.004-06:00

What a weekend! By the time Friday rolled around I was in desperate need of a little R and R. Kel and I ran over to see Laurel and Dan and it was so fun to go to the house and have Laurel answer the door and have it be her house too! We seriously have the greatest friends! Kel got called off of work at 11pm so we left for Rexburg around midnight. We had to go up and get a key made for the house, get it to Todd, and check on the roof (which we have to replace next weekend.. NOT FUN! :( ). We took Kel's truck and both the dirt bikes. . yes I said both. . . I am now the proud owner of a 1994 RX 100. It was Kel's brothers first bike and didn't run when his parents gave it to us, but it was so kind of them to let us have it. We didn't get to Thornton until 2:30am and went right to bed. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling pretty awful. My health has been a roller coaster lately and over the last week I've plumeted to a low. I was in a lot of pain, was nauseous, and had a headache behind my right eye and a sore throat. I tried to sleep a little longer but continued to feel pretty bad and finally drug myself out of bed. Tuff dog greeted me with a hundred slobbery kisses and then I decided to rest for a while while Kel went out to work on "my bike." I went out a little later and layed on the lawn in the sun with tuff while the boys tinkered and tampered with the carberator. My eyes were getting heavy when I heard a rumble from the shop. . . It was ALIVE! Kel and Dusty emerged from the shop grinning from ear to ear. Kel was so excited and I have to admit so was I. . . . though a little terrified at the same time. At that point, I figured I probably couldn't feel much worse so if I was going to die, I might as well go out big! Obviously a helmet was my first priority (death maybe. . but brain damage was not acceptable) and then I mounted the rumbling machine. Kel and Dusty gave me a quick lesson on shifting, the clutch, kick starts, and as an after thought mentioned that the brakes didn't work. I sat there, the clutch tightly squeezed in one hand and my two boys standing behind me cheering me on. A few butterflies flew circles in my stomache as I ran over the instruction is my head. I slowly gave it some gas and eased the clutch out as the little bike lept forward and I was off! For a moment I was in such shock that I was still upright that I forgot what to do next. . .then it all snapped back and I shifted into second and flew around the first corner shifting into third. . . I couldn't believe I was doing it. Kel and Dusty stood with their mouths hanging open in disbelief that I was actually riding. As I came back around I suddenly remembered I didn't know how to stop. . but managed to coast in near where I had begun. Now I was the one grinning ear to ear and giggling uncontrolably. We all took turns making laps around the field while Tuff chased us at full speed. I was starting to feel pretty worn out so we put the bikes up and headed to Idaho Falls to pick up the key and get some dinner. We got to the house and no one was home so we went over to big 5 and checked out some golf clubs and then went to Red Robin for dinner. We stopped back by the house and still no one was there so we headed back to Mom and Dad's. I was feeling pretty bad again so I wrapped up in a blanket on the recliner and slept until about 8pm. We just relaxed the rest of the night and then slept in in the morning. Kel and I got a hold of Lisa and finally got the key Sunday morning. Dusty came over after church and we decided to take a ride up on the bench. Dusty invited Jeannette Johnson to come with us so we all headed out, Kel on his CRF 450, Jeanette on a 400 enduro bike, Dusty on the little bear, and me on my little 100. I was a little more nervous heading out away from the familiar house and field and into the wild world of dirt biking. I must say I did fairly well. We got up on the bench and it was pretty wet and muddy. We had a hard time deciding where to go but finally ended up going north up the bench. By the time we had been out for an hour we were mud from head to toe and I was laughing harder than I had laughed in a long time. It really was a good time and Kel seemed genuinely impressed with my ability to stay on the bike and keep up with everyone. When we got back we washed the bikes down and then Kel, Dusty and I went in and got a movie and pizza. I took little dog out and played with him and then we all drifted in and out of sleep until Dust went home around 1am. Kel and I both fell asleep and slept on the couch all night. We cleaned up the house when we got up and got ready to head for home. We took the key into Todd and got my ring cleaned. We talked to Mom and Dad who were coming back from SLC and met them in IF for lunch at Applebees. I haven't felt great today but I'm hoping to make it through the week. The weekend was literally and figuaratively full of ups and downs but overall a whole lot of fun! I'm now officially a Dirt Biker Chick. . . and I like it! :)

Divets

2010-03-22T19:33:00.000-06:00

So I have a couple funny stories from the weekend. The first may not be appropriate for all audiences so if you can't handle a little personal information you might want to skip to the next paragraph :) So as many my know, I love whole grains, wheat, bran, germ, you name it, all of which is also know as FIBER. A couple weeks ago I bought two boxes of some of my favorite cereals (Cracklin oat bran and Oatmeal squares) as well as some chocolate Fiber One bars, put them in the cupboard, and forgot they were there. Sunday morning Kel got up before I did and went down stairs for breakfast while I tried to catch a few more Z's before getting up and getting ready for church. We went to church, taught our class, went to our meetings, and then headed for home. I had to go into work for a few hours to meet with clients and when I got back we decided to go for a walk down town. We had walked from our house (aproximately 1400 N 400 E) to the tabernacle (about center street and main) which equals almost 2 miles when Kel turned to me and said he needed to find a bathroom. The combination of where we live and the day of the week did not equate well to finding an open anything that would offer a bathroom. We walked almost 3 more blocks and checked almost 15 locked doors before we finally found a hole in the wall pizza place (who serves super yummy pizza) that was open. Kel half walked, half ran into the bathroom and was in there for nearly 20 minutes before he walked out looking drained. As we walked back out into the crisp spring air, Kel turned to me and asked what kind of cereal was in the cupboard. He asked if the "square cereal" and the "o cereal" had a lot of fiber. I started to giggle as I explained that they were both HIGH fiber cereals. His face dropped and he said "I had a huge bowl with both cereals mixed in this morning for breakfast." (When Kel says huge, it doesn't mean a normal size bowl brimming, he means a mixing bowl filled with nearly two half boxes of cereal and half a gallon of milk- which would likely work out to be his weekly dose of fiber considering his cereal selections) We made it a few block back toward home before he started anxoiusly searching building for any open door that might lead to another porceline throne he found one and spend another 20 minutes while i sat patiently outside. When he came walking out I suppressed a giggle and he began cursing cereal. 5 blocks later I saw that look again and the hunt was on for yet another open building (not an easy find on a sunday in Logan) We spotted the movie theater and once again Kel headed in while I paced outside, another 20 minutes past before he emerged half jokingly telling me it was all my fault and asking why anyone would by that cereal, I playfully pushed back telling him that no one in their right mind would eat half the box of each in one sitting. Poor little Kel made it the rest of the way home but spent the night closely latched to the toilet. I think he learned his lesson.

Luckily this morning he was feeling better and we decided to go golfing. I hadn't been on a course for over 2 years and it showed. I think I lost 4 balls on the first hole (Logan River probably wasn't the best course to make my reentry into the sport:) ) It was overcast and drizzled on an off throughout the round but we both had a lot of fun. We had originally made a deal that the loser had to buy lunch but by the second hole it was clear neither of us wanted to keep score. I hit Kels clubs most of the round and have discovered that the scientific advances in golf clubs over the past 13 years have a drastic effect on my game, its a lot easier to be a better golfer (note I didn't say good golfer) with technologically advanced clubs. The two year break didn't do much for my game. . or my vocabulary. On the second to last hole, Kel's eye's started getting fuzzy, usually a warning sign that a migraine is on the way. We finished the round just as the pain started to set in and he was obviously suffering by the time we got home. He went straight to bed and got up a few minutes ago and seems to be feeling better. I went to work for an hour and then rode my bike to do some errands.

The end of last week was marked by Dan and Laurel's wedding (it was an awesome expereince and a lot of fun to be a part of). We also went up to Wolf Creek in Ogden Canyon on Saturday to spend time with Kel's family. We played a whole lot of raquet ball and had a lot of fun. We got Nate's first letter with some awesome news. He said that he sat down for lunch on his first day and found himself sitting next to my cousin Cory! It turns out that they are in the same zone and that he and Cory have built a good friendship- what a miracle! He was also called to be the zone leader in his zone. He's doing well, a little home sick, has a soar throat, but doing well. HOrray for a new week!

God's Army

2010-03-17T23:15:00.002-06:00

The weeks seem to be flying by and it seems as though each time I bink another week is over and the next is well on its way out too. I had an amazing and relaxing time with my family this weekend (which only seems like yesterday). I dropped Kel off at the SLC airport saturday morning because he was flying home for his little brothers farewell and then headed for the burg. I got there around three just as Mom and Laura were returning with thier "bountiful baskets" (note to self- order a bountiful basket!) and the three of us headed over to Laura's new office. She has started doing some pretty interesting testing in alternative medicine. We were there nearly all evening while she tested Mom and I and then we both took our turn on the "light bed" aka biophoton bed. When we got home, I spent at least 2 hours with my sweet baby dog. Everytime I come home I find my self amazed at how amazing my little dog truely is. I have never met an animal that exudes so much love. . . constantly. I had a hard time going to bed so I watched a few episodes of Lost on DVR (can I just tell you how amazing DVR is! And how grateful I am that I don't have it or TV because of the time I would waste sitting in front of the sceen) and fell asleep around 2am. . . little did I realize that it was daylight savings Sunday. Tuff woke me with a face full of slobbery kisses around 8am (7am to my throbbing head). Church started at 9am (8am to my heavy eyelids) and I was in no shape to rouse myself from the dead in time to make it to sacrament meeting so I made an executive decision- I would allow myself to drift back into the dream world for a couple more hours and then force myself to peel my eyes open by 10am (9am to my internal clock) and make it to my parents ward in time for Relief Society and then I would head to the new Stake center and catch Lyman third wards sacrament meeting (the home ward I grew up in) which started at 1pm (12 noon to my suffering brain and much more doable than the original option). After Relief society, I spent some time talking with friends from home and then made my way to the other building. It felt like home as I walked into the chapel and saw the faces of so many people who had played a role in my life. I was greeted by so many who I had known longer than I can remember, each wanting to know how I was and where my life had taken me after I had left this little haven. I realized like I hadn't ever before that I was truely raised by a village. Rita and Blaine Ricks made a point to pull me in and make me thier daughter for the hour and as I glanced around during the meeting I was met with loving smiles and excited waves. When the sacrament was over, Tyler Smith came down from the stand, walked straight to me and scooped me up into a big hug as he walked to his seat (this was the kid that at 5 years old, made me never want to baby sit again after being chased with knifves and the stoker to the fireplace, breaking up fights, and cleaning up vomit. . . and having him run away while I was watching his brothers and sisters and having to tell his mother that I had lost him. A boy who has grown into a sweet, handsome young man). Following the meeting I was met with more concern, hugs, and smiles. I spent nearly an hour with Rosemary (my adopted mom, also Tyler's mom :) ) talking about life as always. I returned to the house at about 3pm (2pm to my grumbling stomach) and found my parents and little bro eating courdon blue and asparagus. . . yummy! I ate and then went out to play with my baby and was met with even more kisses. The rest of the afternoon was pretty relaxing and laid back which was a welcomed break to my everyday life. Monday I spent time with little dog, worked out, layed in the light bed, and headed for home. Kel's family was supposed to drop Kel off around 9pm (8pm. . well I guess you get the picture) but they got a late start and didn't show up until nearly 11:45pm. It was really fun to see them and visit for a few minutes before they had to head to Provo. I stayed up with Kel until nearly 2am (which only felt like 1am) because I hadn't seen him in what felt like weeks. I went up to bed and closed my eyes and in what felt like minutes my alarm was blaring that it was time to get up. . .I squinted at my phone. . 7am (my 6am- felt like 4am). My head slumped back down and sank deeply into my feather pillow as my brain engaged in an internal argment, one side screaming that it couldn't possibly be time to get up and that the best solution was to rocket launch the phone against the nearest wall and sink back into a peaceful sleep while the other side yelled back that I was a responsible adult with a job and I'd better get my lazy body out of bed and act like it (it also commented that staying up so late was a choice that I had made and sometimes we have to deal with the consequences of our choices). I have my parents to thank for the second voice, which ultimately won. I worked and then took a short bike ride with Kel. It was our first ride of the season and it felt SO good! Bike rides in shorts in March do not happen in Idaho. . . okay FUN bike rides in shorts in March do not happen in Idaho. . . thank you Logan!

This morning I picked Kel up at work at 8am (still feeling like 7am) and we headed for Provo to meet his family to drop Nate off at the MTC. We all met at IHOP (Mom, Dad, Nate, Kacie, Laurin, Rex, Marie, Kaitlyn, Kourtney, Bryant, Colton, Kel, and I) for breakfast and I ordered the harvest nut and grain pancakes- I generally don't love breakfast food, especially pancakes, but I LOVE these smothered in butter pecan syrup! We ate and then took pictures and said good by to the extended family and then the rest of us piled into Dad's truck to take Nate. Things at the MTC have changed since we dropped Dusty off, you no longer go in and listen to talks and sing and cry for hours before saying goodbye, now they have what I lovingly call the curbside kick out method. Everyone piles into one car, you drive in and marvel at the hundereds of sweet little missionaries lining the curb, waving and waiting to welcome each new arrival. You are then directed to a small section of curb where you park and are swarmed by young men in suits and name tags, each begining with Elder. Everyone piles out of the car, hugs the missionary, and he is swept into the sea of God's army. Everyone then piles back in the car with barely enough time to realize that the young man is now gone for two years. As you drive out, hundreds of missionaries smile and wave is if watching the thanksgiving day parade. Mom struggled a little, but Nate was like a rock. It's crazy to think that his is really gone, but I'm so proud of him. The MTC is an amazing place. It was so powerful to see the sea of young men and women on the grounds and to know that they were all devoting 2 years of their lives to serve and bring the gospel to the world. What a great testimony of the gospel!

We stopped to see Kari (and Luke and Abbie) on our way out. It was really fun to catch up and see them again, it had been way to long! We were both exhausted when we got home and went straight to bed. I got up around 8pm, worked out and am writing this blog, I just heard Kel's alarm go off- poor boy has to go to work in less than an hour. Maybe one day our lives will be less crazy. I better go get ready for bed, work comes early in the morning (an hour earlier than it did last week. . thank you daylight savings
:( ) and I have a lot to get done if I want to go to Dan and Laurels wedding of Friday! Oh, we will also hopefully be going up to Wolf Creek with Kel's family for a while on Saturday, it should be fun :).

ANother week down

2010-03-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a little longer than I had planned since I posted something so I figured I better add a note before another week gets away from me. This week was definitely more managable than the last few have been (THANK GOODNESS FOR NO WINTER ACTIVITIES- BRING ON THE SUNSHINE!) Kel and I stayed home last weekend and just relaxed. It was really nice. We haven't gotten to spend much time together in the past few months because He goes to work at midnight and gets home after 8am- generally when I'm walking out the door to head to work, so we kiss in passing. He usually can't fall asleep til noon or 1pm so he is asleep when I get home around 6:30 or 7pm and doesn't get up til 11pm when he needs to get ready to go back to work. That hour we see each other hasn't been the most pleasant just because Kel is usually still really tired (can you blame him- grave yards would most likely put me in an early grave- literally!) and grumpy. So during the week we usually just pass each other constantly living our lives opposite of one another- he sleeps while I work and I work while he sleeps- day after day. Needless to say, it was really nice to just have a peaceful weekend and spend a little time together. We watched a lot of Lost (Dusty lent us all of the seasons and we have almost finished them all) I went to yoga and swimming with the girls, and monday we went on a hike to the windcave, went to the grocery store, and ate lunch at the grist mill before I had to meet the girls at sports academy while Kel went back to bed. The rest of the week has kind of been a blur. Lots of nights spent alone in the living room attempting to entertain myself while my husband snores peacefully upstairs. I still haven't been feeling the best, I get a strange pain in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen, at times it feels as though my ovary will explode, while at other times the pain seems to be radiating from my kidney. I begin to feel over heated and sick to my stomach which is occationally accompanied by a headache above my right eye. I have been trying to take anti inflamatories regularly and that seems to help at times. Luckily I have had good and bad days this week and even the bad days have been managable unlike a couple weeks ago when I was mostly relagated to my bed when I wasn't at work. It seems worse if I try to use an eliptical trainer at the gym so I have mostly just walked and spent time in the pool. I always forget how relaxing the pool can feel until I'm forced back to the water due to some physical ailment. Maybe if I would just stay in the pool consistently, I wouldn't run into these problems. . . I doubt I'm that lucky.
I did go to a bridal shower/party for Laurel tonight and it was a lot of fun. I really enjoy the women I work with and we laughed pretty hard! Now I should be in bed because I have to pick Kel up bright and early from work so that we can drive to Salt Lake and put him on a plane home. Nate is having his farewell sunday and we decided the best way to make that happen was to fly Kel up and have his family bring him back down on thier way to the MTC with Nate. I decided to stay home because money has been pretty tight and we couldn't justify spending the money for me to go and try to make up the lost time at work. I'm planning on going straight to my parents after dropping him off so that I won't have to return to an empty house for the weekend- plus I am in tuff dog withdrawl. Sometimes I wonder if I am strange because a lot of the time I wouldn't mind just being at home alone for a few days, and not that I don't love to see my family, because I adore them, just that sometimes its easier and more peaceful just to be in your own house, with your own stuff, able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, and without the travel time. I am really looking forward to going home, there is just that little part of me that is dreading driving 5 hours tomorrow. I guess I better go get packed and get some rest so that I am fully awake for that 5 hour journey ahead of me. I'll try to give a report of the happening in my next post :)

Survival

2010-03-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

Some things in life are a matter of endurance while others seem to be purely a matter of survival. I survived today and haven't ever been so glad for a ski trip to be over. I managed to remain relatively calm and relaxed most of the week until this morning. It started with a phone call that one of our girls threw up at breakfast and would have to remain on site for the day which made the adult clients late. I was also running behind schedule which elevated my stress level. When we got to the mountain, I entered the ski office to pay for our tickets and was initially greeted by the kind older man who had helped me two weeks ago, but today he passed me over to "the boss" (his wife) who was less than kind. He body language and attitude soon had me flustered and I ended up miss counting the number of girls and staff. I had to re write one check and by the time I was finished I was nearly shaking with frustration and anxiety. I sat at a table away from the group and spead out my paper work to make sure that we had paid for the correct number of tickets. Once I sat down I realized that I had not included 2 tickets, if it were possible at that moment for my stress level to rise any more than it already was, it did. I approached my boss and one of the owners and told them that I had mis counted and that I needed a way to pay for the 2 tickets I had overlooked. At that moment, I felt heat flush my face and moisture gather in the corner of my eyes. Tears slipped and trickled down my face as I apologized repeatedly. In that moment, I felt like I had let them down, like I had failed and that I was incapable of doing my job. I can honestly see now how dramatic and untrue those thoughts were, but in the moment I was defeated. Both my boss and the owner reassured me repeatedly that it was not a big deal and that it could be easily taken care of. Like a puppy with my tail between my legs I trudged down to the ski office with a credit card to pay for the 2 overlooked tickets. Luckily this time the woman at the counter softened (maybe my red eyes and tear stained face made her feel sorry for me) and she thanked me for paying the additional money. The rest of the day went relatively well and all the girls seemed to have genuinely enjoyed the activity. All in a days work I guess. I did discover that I do enjoy skiing despite having a very negative attitude about it for the past 10 years. In fact there is a part of me that enjoyed it more than snowboarding (don't get me wrong- I still feel that I identify better with the snowboarding population) which may be attributed to getting older and both not enjoying, as well as not tolerating, sitting on the frozen ground, crashing, and having to hike or unstrap constantly. I did take a few spills, but not when actually skiing. I ended up in at least two tangled heeps while trying to teach a client and while helping her get up after she had taken a tumble. I'm grateful to be home, I can't believe tomorrow is Friday! Thank goodness for the weekend!

Good Boys

2010-03-02T00:20:00.001-07:00

I had a wonderful weekend. My Mom and Dad came and spent the night with us on Friday. They showed up around 8pm and we all went and had dinner at Wingers. Kel had to go to work at midnight so mom and I stayed up and talked until he left. Dad on the other hand went to bed (he refuses to climb the stairs in our townhouse more than once and since the bathroom is upstairs, he went up shortly after arriving home and did not re appear until about ten the next morning). We all slept in and Kel came home at eight. Mom and I went for a walk while the boys watched a movie. Kel and I packed and jumped in with Mom and Dad to head for Salt Lake. We got to Grandma Griggs' house and hungout and played pool. Dusty showed up and played for a while and then he left to stay at Uncle Ted's. We all had to be up and ready to leave by eight for Cory's farewell so we attempted to be in bed before midnight. Kel and I were on the hide a bed and needless to say did not sleep much.

We had a slight adventure as we were approaching the church. Mom and Dad had brought the big trailer down to pick up doors and as dad spotted the church, he didn't notice a huge speed bump. The truck bounced, then came the thunk followed by metal tearing at pavement. The trailer had diconnected from the hitch and was now only clinging to the truck by two safety chains. Because we were headed up a slight incline, the chains were the only thing preventing the trailer from taking a solo voyage back down from where we had just come from. We all jumped out of the truck in our sunday best and Kel and Dad tried to lift the front of the trailer off the ground as mom and I ran to the back to try to use our weight as a counter balance. This is where the incline really came into play. Each time we got the hitch off the ground gravity would pull the trailer tight on the chains. In the meantime, a woman had stepped onto her front porch and was taking pictures of us as we struggled with the 2 ton trailer. After watching us struggle for what must have been five minutes (it felt like 30) she ran to get her husband. By the time he came to the door. Dad had used the jack to both anchor and lift the hitch and I backed the truck into positions to reattach the trailer. Good thing we left at eight!

We walked in to the small chapel to see nearly every member of my Moms family sporadically scattered throughout the first three rows. There is something amazing about my Mom's family. They are all distinctly different and as most families would, could be described as odd by outsiders; however, I have never seen a family that radiated more love and acceptance than my mothers. As different as we all are, there is never any comparison or judgment, no competition or jealousy, just ernest compassion. When you are surrounded by these incredible people all insecurities melt away and there is a level of comfort beyond any other I have ever experienced. They love me for me, and would love me no matter what defiend me as me.

Bruce, Hailey, and Cory spoke and each of thier messages bore witness to the spirit that has been fostered in thier home. The conviction with which they bore testimony was more than powerful. Following the meeting we went to the Thompsons for the traditional post farwell feast where we all laughed and joked.

At one we all piled back into our caravan of cars and drove to draper to the church that houses my cousin Kyles singles ward. Our second miracle of the day was about to occur. The whole family piled into a small office, some of us sharing chairs, or standing shoulder to shoulder, closer than would likely be comfortable for even most families, but not this family. The spirit engulfed the room as Cory laid his hands upon Kyles head, followed by the hands of each worthy man in our family. The words were beautiful, but the symbolism was beyond words. As we lifted our heads and opened our eyes tears trickled down nearly every face. It was an unforgetable moment. I can't describe how proud I was to see my two nephews walking that path.

The rest of the weekend was spent at the Hampton Inn just Kel and I and Mom and Dad. We went and saw the movie the blindside and ate at olive garden and then tried to get some rest. Mom and Dad dropped us off this afternoon and the rest of the day was fairly lazy. I did go to the gym and spent some time in the pool, but now I am ready for bed!

My baby

2010-02-26T00:37:00.001-07:00

I realized I don't have many pictures up and I don't have many recent ones on the computer, but what good is a blog is you can't show of your family? I never thought I would be one of those people who considered thier dog a part of the family- but Tuff has stolen my heart and soul. He is the sweetest little dog I have ever come in contact with and has changes our lives and until the time when I have children of my own. . he is my baby. (newer pictures to come)

quick note

2010-02-26T00:24:00.001-07:00

crappy day- glad its over. Why can't something just go smoothly, just for a few days? Anyway, the ski trip next week is turning into another huge stress monster about to eat my head (graphic I know- but pretty much what it feels like). I did walk for an hour today after not setting foot in the gym (okay thats a lie because I have been there with the girls, but not for any activity of my own) since last friday when I about fell over, passed out, and threw up. I finally was able to start taking some pain killer/anti inflamatory's yesterday and am hopeful that they, in combination with extra rest, will result in a short relapse of whatever this illness is. WOW, I'm suprisingly pessimistic today- sorry about that!

On a happier note, my mom and dad are coming tomorrow and the weekend is beckoning. Thank goodness its Friday (just barely). I'm also going to try to get in the pool tomorrow- it tends to be the best therapy for my back; And- DUsty is bringing the 3rd-5th seasons of Lost! Perfect timing when I'm not able to be as active as I usually am and has proven to be a great time killer- as if I have that much to kill. I have also started reading the Book Of Mormon again and am challenging myself to read it before the end of the year. 3 days down 308 left to go. I have to admitt, I've missed that. Maybe another reason my health is back in shambles- it always drives me to my knees.

A bit of Optomism

2010-02-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

In the wake of the past week, I have again re-evaluated some of my priorities and tried to have a positive attitude. I found some of that today. I have spent the better part of my free time since last Friday sleeping in an attempt to ward of whatever it is that seems to make my physical body feel like death whenever it pleases and without warning. It has been difficult, and for those who know me, very uncharacteristic. I'm not even good at sitting down during the day, much less sleeping, but I finally realized that my body needed a break. Emotionally I felt better today and in some respects physically as well. The pain is still very much there, and they "eye sparkles" are enough to drive anyone to the loony bin, but my outlook is brighter. I am coming to realize what I can handle and what I can not. I am learning (slowly. . . .okay- very slowly) that my physical body does not tolerate stress, lack of sleep, and highly processed foods well. When I punish my body with a combination of or all of the above- it is a recipe for total system failure. Hence the reason I am feeling the way I feel. This isn't to say that I don't think that there is some underlying physical issue that is triggered or stimulated by these factors, just that I'm learning what I need to do to feel well. . . or at least better.

The bright spot is that today as I worked I found myself smiling, dispite it all, and anwering the the question "how are you?" with "good" rather than "okay" or "I'm hangin in there." I found myself laughing and joking. Wednesdays are always nice because I don't have any required events at work, no sports academy, no treatment team meeting, no groups to run, just time to work and today I felt productive. I met with all of my adolescents and finished up mounds of paper work from the last 2 weeks. It felt good. I came home and crawled into a warm bed next to my softly snoring husband, closed my eyes and drifted off into my dreams.

Dispite the needed rest- going from very active to almost completely sedentary is probably not doing the best things for my waist line and I have to remind myself of the things I tell my girls all the time. How can I ask something of them if I don't apply it myself? They are amazing and thier strength and determination make me better and carry me through.

I am looking forward to the weekend and spending time with my family. My parents and Dusty are coming down Friday night and we will all head to Salt Lake Saturday for my sweet cousin Cory's Farwell. He is going to Anchorage, Ak. I'm also looking forward to getting away and spending some much needed time with my sweet husband. I'm so grateful for all the tender mercies, and everyday gifts in my life!

I guess this was pretty sporatic and random . . . hehe- the story of my life. . I guess thats fitting :)

mixed emotions

2010-02-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

I've done my best to sleep my weekend away in an attempt to remedy (or possibly avoid) my current state. I hate to admitt but I was not successful. The pain in my back has intensified and the pain in my chest remains nearly constant. Its funny how you can take good days for granted, even when you have spent years plagued with not so good ones. In the last 7 years I have face countless illnesses, most of which remained a mystery until they were nearing their end. Just before my senior year I became so ill that at one point as I lay on the couch in my parents home, I was sure I was going to die. My face and glands were swollen, I could bearly stay wake long enough to eat, and I had horrible headaches (I'm pretty sure I have blocked the worst of it) for nearly 4 months, I missed most of the first semester of my senior year and every test came back normal and every doctor seemed puzzled. The following year, 2 weeks before I was supposed to start college at Utah State, the same sympoms appeared sending me to the hospital in Salt Lake, thier best guess was that I was suffering from a combination of altitude sickness and ebstien bar virus. My parents left me in tears and barely able to get out of bed at my sisters in logan the weekend before classes started. Luckily this bout was short, only lasting about 4 weeks. I was blessed to have a priest hood blessing to which I owe my ability to recover. At 19 as a freshman in college my hair began falling out, in clumps, I sank into deep depression, suffered from anxiety, and spent countless hours sitting on the floor of my walk in closet sobbing to my mom on the phone. Again, countless doctors told me I was crazy and there was nothing wrong. Four months later, a doctor finally took me seriously. My mom, guided by the spirit, read an article, which she brought to the next appointment, and the doctor did the appropriate test- Mercury Poisoning (what girl from Idaho gets mercury poisoning!!?!!) Again I was lucky (or better blessed) to recover- just with less hair and a far greater understanding of what depression feels like. Then last year, March, I woke up with back pain, pain I had never felt, and thinking it was a kidney infection went to the doctor, again- nothing. The pain intensified and soon had me on my back. Two ER visists later and an MRI and they found a tear in my L5-S1 disc (something that only happens to people who are 50 or are in horrible car accidents). I statred physical therapy and was finally feeling some relief when I awoke with fireworks in my peripherial vision in my right eye. I went straight to an optomitrist who found-nothing- but sent me to a retenologist. The doctor I was refered to couldn't see me for several weeks so I ended up with a referal to the only other retenlogist within 50 miles. I went in alone and after only seconds of looking at my eye he stated that I had a retinal tear and that I was lucky that I wasn't blind. He then told me that I needed immediate laser surgery or would would likely go blind in that eye. He had me sign papers, walked me down a hall, sat me in an office chair (which he explained was not to correct chair but that it would have to do), had me lean my head against the wall, and was about to shoot a laser into my eye, when I finally got the courage to ask if this procedure would correct the fireworks and if there were any risks. At this point I was in shock and trembling slightly. He stated that it would likely not fix the current visual annomaly but would hopefully prevent my retina from detatching. He then proceded to tell me that if I looked at the laser I would be blind in that eye and that there was still a chance that I could go blind following the procedure. At this point I was not just trembling but shaking. He began firing a green laser into my eye which caused me to see only green after a short time and which made it impossible to know whether I was looking at the laser or not. I just prayed with everything in me that I was not looking at the green beam burning the back of my eye. When he was finished he sat me up and began walking me to the door. As I blinked, I could see nothing but black in my right eye and began to panic, just as he was about to push me through the door, tears streaming down my face I forced the words "I can't see, is this normal?" He casually stated that I wouldn't be able to see for a few minutes and that if I had any problems to call in the next few days. . . and if I woke up blind in that eye to come back in immediately and then he was gone. Needless to say I learned what panic attacks feel like. Nearly every morning I would awake in a panic, heart pounding uncontrollably afraid to open my eyes. Then the flashes moved from one to both eyes- 5 opthomologists visists later I was officially "crazy- it was all in my head- there was nothing wrong with my eyes." The 6th opthomologist found something, but wasn't sure what. He sent me to the original retinologist I was supposed to have seen who found inflamation in my eyes and sent me to th U of U specialist in intermediate uveitis (inflamation) who said that there was evidence that there had been inflamation but that it was not longer active and there was no way of knowing what had caused it. In October, a pain that I have experienced on the medial side of my right shoulder blade became nearly unbearable everytime I ate- I had my gallbladder removed- but the pain persisted only at a lower level.

This week, the pain is back and with a vengence, symptoms I had forgotten about are making an appearance and after all that there is no money. . .and I am out of strength to keep fighting the battle. I don't think I can listen to one more doctor tell me that there is nothing wrong, that its all in my head. The question now is what do I do. I have spent the last three days trying to keep myself calm, to tell myself that if I rest it will get better, not to worry. Then, in the quiet moments of the morning, in the place between concious and dreams, the fear creeps in.

I have the most wonderful husband, who has demonstrated remarkable compassion for a wife who seems constantly sick. He often holds me in the moments of fear, his faith so much greater than my own. I tears the other night, as I burried my face in his chest, I told his all I want if to feel good, really good, just to remember what it feels like. It seems like just when I start to see some light, the tunnel deepens. I know that he would give anything to let me feel that freedom for just a moment.

On the other side of it all, my purpose for writing this was not to gain sympathy or to cause anyone to worry about me- I will make it- I always have, and I can honestly say that I am better for it. I would never have been as good at my last job, or had the understanding that I need for my current job if I didn't know what it was like to be sick, scared, depressed, or overcome with panic or anxiety. I would have little understanding of what suffering is. . . and for what its worth- I probably still have a very mearger understanding of suffering. I am definitely more patient, compassionate, and empathetic that I could have ever been without these experiences. I am grateful for what I am because I have made it through them and with time I am always able to look back with a grateful heart. As I sit here tonight, I can't quite get to grateful, I sliding through the emotions of wondering what I'm doing wrong, or what I'm not doing right, feeling afraid of missing another summer, exhausted from the fight, angry that I have to be the one to feel this way, scared of what some doctor might be missing, but hopeful that things will be fine, that maybe I just have something else to learn, and that maybe someone out there needs me to learn it to lift them when the tunnel seems to dark and too deep. Through it all, I know that I am not alone, I know that He will never leave me to walk into the darkness without taking my hand. We were not put here to take a vacation, we were put here to be tested, and I have taken very few tests that have ever been easy. I will always be eternally grateful that my test was designed for me.

Not Now, Not Again

2010-02-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

I have had a rough few days. It started last week, similar symptoms, similar feelings, I tried to ignore it. Friday I went to the gym and only lasted about 20 minutes. My legs and arms felt weak, my head felt light and nausea sank into to pit of my stomach, and the pain in my back and shoulder blade. The flashes and headaches started last week. I pulled it together enough to go to the Utah State Hockey Game and dinenr with Kel but the fear of another bought of something unexplained was nearly as powerful as the symptoms themselves. Today I woke shaky and with a hint of the feelings from the day before. I slept til nearly 11am and then Kel and I went out to look at "toys" and get some lunch. By the time we go to the grist mill, I was feeling pretty aweful and was ready to go back home. Once in our warm house and in my most comfortable gray sweat pants Kel tried to work some of the knots out of my back. We took a nap and then, because Kel had been up for nearly 20 hours straight, he continued to dose while I watched some lost. He gained consiousness long enough to give me a blessing and to go over our lesson for tomorrow. I'm hoping that this is only a minor set back and not the begining of another year of not feeling well and not being able to do the things that I want to do. I'm not sure I can go through all of that again. . .not to mention we can't afford another year of doctors telling my I'm crazy or finding something but not knowing the cause or not being able to do anything about it. Sometimes the most difficult thing is not knowing.

Please let me survive tomorrow

2010-02-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

Finally. . . or already. . . tomorrow is the BIG day. . and a culmination of two weeks worth of stress. We will be hitting the slopes with more than 20 girls who have never skied and most of which have severly low bone densities. . . can you see how I might be stressed. I worked nearly twelve hours yesterday and twelve more today trying to tie up all the loose ends, the problem is, its hard to tie loose ends when you don't know how many or where they all are. I'm starting to feel the effects of my lack of sleep in the form of headaches and flashes in my vision (not a good sign, and the begining of a road that I would prefer to never go down again). I keep telling myself that I just need to breath and that it will all work out, the problem is that I'm not very convincing and I don't really believe what I'm telling myself. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I had a talk with one of the wonderful women I work with today and she asked if I enjoyed what I do. I immediately responded that I love my job. . . then I paused, I do love my job, and I'm sure that most people envy my job. . . but as with all jobs, there are things that are really tough. I love working with the girls and I love that I get to spend my time helping people, working with amazing men and women, and hopefully making a difference in the lives of those I work with. The sad realization I had today was that even though I get to do activities that I would regularly love to do in my free time at work, the planning, organizing, and stress of worrying about the girls and their safety, makes the things I would normally love exhausting and overwhelming. It's hard when you make your loves in life your job because eventually they become work. I am currently longing for a vacation, but not my normal vacation, not one that needs planning and preparation, not one that makes you feel like you need another vacation when you get back, not one in which I spend the majority of my time thinking about everything that will need to be done when I get back; I need a vacation to another planet with warm sunny beaches and mountains that rise into a clear blue sea of sky, a place where responsibility doesn't exist and there is nothing waiting to be done when I return home. I need a break. . .a break that will never come. Heaven help me at least survive tomorrow.

Snow Tubing. . so much for sleeping in!

2010-02-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

So the weekend started at 8:30 in the morning when I recieved a phone call from my boss telling me that we needed to changed the location of our snow tubing outing that was planned for that afternoon. I was still in the depths of sleep and trying to first of all comprehend who I was talking to and secondly what I was supposed to say in response. When the fog in my head began to clear, I glanced out the window to see that it had RAINED! So my morning was spent making calls and changing plans and reorganizing the trip. Just one more change to add a little stress and pressure to my already overwhelming week. Luckily everything went relatively smoothly. . . which was miraculous! Laurel and I went up to beaver bottoms (the new location) together and got back home around 4:45pm. Dan and Kel had made plans to go to Ogden to eat at The Pie for our Valentines date and we were supposed to be ready to go by 5. Kel has been begging to go to the Pie for who knows how long because they serve a GIGANTIC pizza and of course Kel loves any food that it 14 times its original size. I jumped in the shower and put on just the make up basics before climbing into my favorite hoodie and jeans. My hair was still damp when Laurel rang the door bell. We drove down and met up with Dan's sister and her husband (Steve and Nancy) and the 6 of us tackled the mamoth pizza. . . and I hate to say it. . but we came out victorious- leaving only three small slices as evidence of our excursion. With full stomachs we headed over to Steve's parents house (in ogden) and watched the olympics until we had to head back so that Kel could make it to work by midnight.

Sunday was a lazy day. THe kids in our Sunday school class were little monsters and we were both pretty exhausted by the time the class hour ended. Dusty came down and spent the afternoon (slept on our couch and watched Lost) and I spent most of the day cuddled on the couch. Today, I worked nearly 12 hours on my day off. . I'm exhausted. . and I get to do it all over again tomorrow. I'm just praying that Wednesday goes well.

Saying goodbye

2010-02-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

I said a lot yesterday about the difficulty in saying good bye to some of my clients. Today was especially tough. We had a goodbye group for the client I mentioned yesterday, lets just say there were a lot of tears. The rest of the day was basically just a continuation of the last few days. Busy. I still have a lot of work to get done- hopefully tomorrow. The good news is that even though the weekend includes work, part of that work is more like fun than work. We are taking all the girls snow tubing tomorrow (I admitt I am a little nervous for thier safety- don't tell anyone) and it should prove to be a really good day. Kel and I also have plans to go with Dan and Laurel, and a few other friends to eat a GIANT pizza at The Pie in Ogden as part of our Valentines day celebration. I'm looking forward to a night out- I'm starting to feel that cabin fever that usually shows up this time of year settling in around me. well-finally an entry that could almost qualify as short and sweet, I'm not too good with short if you haven't noticed.

Bitter Sweet. . .the flavor of life

2010-02-12T01:13:00.000-07:00

So its almost 1am and I am not in bed yet. You would have thought that a person who is keenly aware of the importance sleep plays in the way they feel would put considerable effort into getting to bed early enough to produce favorable results in the morning- the problem is, I am very immediate consequence driven. You see, at 1 am I know that I am tired and I know that every other time I have stayed up late and had to get up early I have felt similar to death warmed over, however, at 1 am all I am feeling is tired, and at that moment my body cannot accurately replicate what I will feel like in the morning and so since I still feel relatively well in that moment, I have a very difficult time ushering myself to bed.
At this moment, I am wondering if I will survive this month. I have spent the last 2 week planning winter activities and have had little time to complete any of my regular work, which is quickly piling up (looking forward to that this weekend :( ) So today was no exception, treatment team, meeting with clients, trying to coordinate down hill skiing, finishing weekend guidelines, attending a conference on campus (Dr. TJ Raney from Chapel Hill NCU presented on the latest research regarding eating disorders), sports academy with the girls, then finally home. Kel worked midnight to noon so he was asleep when I got home and slept pretty much until 11pm when he had to get up and get ready to go back to work. I did watch the bachelor on hulu (stupid, I know, but for some reason it draws my attention).
One thing that I'm having a hard time with is one of the clients that I have formed a close bond with is leaving tomorrow. She is an amazing girl, and in a lot of ways reminds me of myself. She has been a pleasure to work with and I will miss her bright disposition and our conversations. I think that is one of the hardest parts of my job- spending literally months to years with these girls, becoming a part of thier lives, and then watching them leave and knowing that you may never hear from or speak to them again. It is truely bitter sweet. I am so so so proud of her for all she has accomplished and I'm so happy that she has come to a place where she can return to her life and actually live it rather than just survive day to day, but I will truely miss her. I better get to bed, my body is starting to warn me that the morning is going to be ugly :(

The Good Stuff

2010-02-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

I can't beleive wednesday is over already! I had an amazing weekend in Idaho with my family- I can't express how blessed I am to have such a great family. We headed up to the burg saturday morning after Kel got off work and pulled in right around 11:30am. Mom and Dusty were waiting for us and despite Kel working all night, he and Dust headed into town to run a few errands aka pick up large amounts of mountain dew. While they were gone mom and I took tuff for a jog around the block. When I went out to get him and he seemed almost as excited to see me as I was to see him. He slathered me in slobbery tuff dog kisses. He is the most amazing dog on the planet. That little dog has made such a huge impact on my whole family- I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven to teach us all a little about unconditional love. Mom and I had a good talk and then kicked back and relaxed for a couple of hours (Tuff came in and cuddled with me on his designated chair- yes he is beyond spoiled by his grandparents). We had made plans to hang out with my best friend from high school and her husband that evening so I eventually made my way off the couch and in to take a shower. We picked up pizza and Kayla and Nate showed up around 7:30pm. There is never a dull moment with those two and there hasn't been a time when we have all been together that we haven't laughed until until every muscle in our faces screamed for relief, this night was no exception. We talked and ate and played PIT and LAUGHED. Kel was litterally in tears and at one point was laughing so hard that he was unable to breath and his face took on a blue hue. . thats how much fun we had :) Oh how I miss them! The next morning we made it to church and then came home and rested until we had to leave for the traditional SUPER BOWL PARTY. A big group of my parents friends and neighbors almost always has a big party with lots of yummy treats and and we were not dispointed. I hate to admit that I did not see one second of the super bowl, but I enjoyed a lot of good food and company. After the game we headed back to Mom and Dads and watched Tv and I braided Dusty's hair ( I know, gross that I can braid my BROTHERS hair). Dad and Kel gave me a blessing before we left because I was going in for an endoscopy on Monday morning. We pulled in to our parking lot aroung 2 am and we were both nearly asleep. In the morning we drove across the street to the hospital where I had a long tube shoved down my throat- luckily they gave me good med and I do remember a second of it, in fact I didn't remember meeting with the doctor, changing my clothes, asking Kel 7 times what the doctor had said, or even how I ended up in my own bed. I came to around 4:30pm with a killer sore throat but feeling well rested. A sweet girl I work with and one of my dear friends texted me and told me she was bringing over Jamba juice and she showed up around 5. Her fiance who is also a good friend had also just had surgery so we made plans to go visit him in our PJ, have dessert and watch a movie. It was a lot of fun. The rest of the week is sort of a blur of organizing, coordinating, and leading winter activities for my girls. I have been cross country skiing twice this week and hauled around more skis than I ever want to see again. If I can make it through the next few weeks I just may survive, but the moral is- I have amazing people in my life that make every moment worth it!

whew. . .

2010-02-06T01:28:00.000-07:00

Friday is over- and I should definitely be asleep by now. Just a little note about today. It was busy: meet with clients, write notes, compose weekend guidelines, call beaver mountain, call ski school, leave message, wait for returned call, call business office, write-print-email home pass guidelines, go to corporate office, pick up checks, go to Al's, pay for skis, go back to corporate, drop off receipts, meet girls at Sports Academy, still waiting for returned call, go home, change clothes, go back to gym, work out, pick up dinner (soup and bread from the Grist Mill), eat, shower, relax, send Kel off to work, reorganize farm, blog. . . . and I guess that concludes the day. I think I've earned a date with my pillow and I probably better make it soon, I have to drive to idaho in the morning- hooray for the weekend!

SOmething to LoOk FowArd To

2010-02-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

Good news: THURSDAY IS ALMOST OVER. . . and that means its almost friday. . . which means. . WEEKEND- and not just any weekend. . . Super bowl weekend. Don't get me wrong, as tom boyish as I am, I could care less about the game (or who's playing, which I don't know). What I do care about is the PARTIES and the food. . its almost better than Thanksgiving in terms of food, in my humble opinion. After all the stress of this week, there is no better way to kick back and relax. We are headed to the burg to spend the day with mom, dad, and little bro and of course my sweet Tuff dog. I can't wait! In celebration of this football extravaganza I thought I would add a few pictures to show what die hard fans Kel and I are. . (okay, they are actually from Halloween, but I thought they were appropriate for this situation :) ).

As for today, I was busy and relatively unremarkable. Treament team, Coordination, fitness group, gym with the girls, renting cross country skis, workout, dinner, movie/blog.

Tired. . .

2010-02-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are carrying 100 lbs of sand on your back and every step feels like your knees will crumple and the weight will crush you? I felt that today, not really hopeless or sad. . . just tired, exhausted from bearing the weight. Nothing bad happened, nothing really changed. . . just the exhaustion seemed more penatrating than the day before. There were definitely great parts of the day- snowshoeing with my girls, cuddling up to my husband on the couch, watching tiny flakes of snow fall through the dark sky, but today the weight just seemed to be more evident than usual.

My sweet husband is probably right when he says that stress will eventually kill me. If only I could learn to set the sand down and turn my back, continue walking, and not look back. Something to work on I guess. . . . but thinking about it makes me tired.

Snow Shoes and Wallyballs

2010-02-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to say that I about jumped out of my skin when I saw that I have followers. . Thanks guys!!!

Second, today was a good day but I want to write about Friday because today reminded me of Friday. . . which made me laugh really hard. . . and everyone knows laughter is the best medicine. So hear's a little medicine for the day.

Friday was my adolescents first snow shoe trip of the season and I was beyond excited. Most of my girls are from the east coast and have had very little winter adventure experience-enter Logan Utah :). I had three girls who were medically stable enough to go on this expedition (these girls were on what we call a green activity level) all of whom have been with us for quite a while and all of which I care a lot about. We headed up to the mouth of one of the beautiful canyons in Logan, got everyone strapped into their snow shoes, and began our journey. My youngest girl, an adorable, brilliant 11 year old from the east coast was the first to express skeptisism about the activities fun factor and after a few minutes was rolling around in the freshly fallen snow. We pressed forward on the prestinely groomed trail, occationally testing the value of our shoe shoes by stepping off into the deep powder then quickly returning to the smooth crusty track. After only a short distance we came to a trail that let to a wind cave nestled in the trees on the side of the mountain. After a short hike to the mouth of the shallow cave the girls created a slide from the mouth of the cave back down to the main trail. After only a few test runs, the track took on the appearance of a bobsled track. The giggling and laughter echoed through the canyon as girl after girl took her turn on our homemade luge. After a few minutes, my youngest client came to me with an issue- she needed to use the bathroom. Problem 1: there was not bathroom. Problem 2: she couldn't wait til we made it back to the car. So I did what any country girl would do. I found her a relatively secluded area and left her to take care of business. After a few minutes we heard hysterical laughter floating down from where I had left our youngest client. I yelled up to her to ask if all was okay. She could barely talk through her laughter but stated that she was dressed and needed some assistance. When I turned the corner I saw her in a fit of laughter holding her coat in her hand. I asked her what was going on and and tears streamed from her laughter she stated that she had peed on her coat. I tried to stifle my own giggles and when I thought I had control of my emotion, I asked how bad it was. She responded "Bad" as the giggles contined to erupt from her throat. I couldn't contain my laughter at seeing her inocent face staring at her now damp coat. Once we both stopped laughing, I gave her my coat and we gathered the group and headed back.

So today was our second trip, not nearly as eventful as the first, but still a lot of fun. Seeing the joy in the girls faces as they slid down the mountain and then trudged back up the hill to do it all again made all the tough aspects of my job worth it. My day concluded with an intense wallyball game of staff versus adult clients, lets just say a lot more laughter. So all in all, a good day :)

And iT bEginS. . oR CoNtinUeS. . dePenDing On yOuR PerSpeCitvE

2010-02-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

When I mentioned that this blog may be a place to record embarassing happening, I didn't expect the moments to occur quite so soon. . .I was wrong. The day began as usual, I slept in, worked out, and ate at the Grist Mill (can you say yummy) all before noon. The good news was I felt better than I have in a few days and it was wonderful to get to spend some time with my hubby, the embarassing parts came a little later. I showered, got dressed, and put make up on (for those of you who see me on a regular basis, you know this is a fairly rare occurance during the week but Kel and I were planning on going out to a movie later and I thought I would put in a little extra effort) and headed to work for a few hours to sit in on our newest intake.

So I have been CRAVING honey wheat thins for days now and factored in enough time to stop at the store on my way to work- so on my way to Paradise (yes that is really the name of the place where our adult home is located, though some of our clients would offer a slightly different discription), I stopped at what used to be Albertsons (now IGA or something- learned that the hard way) to pick up my mid day snack. To fully appreciate what comes next I have included a picture of the shoes I was wearing (see picture). Again for those of you who see me on a regular basis this is not my typical brand of foot wear (I own 4 pairs of Salamon trail runners because I wear them whenever I am not sleeping). So I exited my truck and went striding through the double doors of unknown grocery store on a mission, focused, then suddenly my focus was lost- the heel of my GIANT right boot encountered a wet spot on the floor and the force of my weight sent me flailing to my hands, knees, and right thigh into a tangled heep. Luckily few people have chosen to shop at unknown grocery store since its name change and to my knowlege I was only observed bouncing back to my feet by a timid bagger. As the embarassment wore off, so did the adrenaline and the pain in my knees became overwhelmingly evident, after all I had taken a fairly serious fall off of 5 inch stilts. Now determined to sooth my ego with my latest craving and get out of the store, I bolted for the cracker isle- while now being very vigilent about where I placed my feet. To my utter disappointment- no honey wheat thins. I hung my head, completely defeated and made my way back to my truck. Work was work. I return home and enjoyed a nice evening out with my sweet little husband. Then as I changed into a hoodie my favorite Christmas Eve sweat pants I recieved one final gift from fate. . . . at least my life doesn't lack humor.

On a sweeter note, I walked into the kitchen today and found several pictures of my little tuff dog, some of him, some of him and me, and some of him, me and Kel. When I thanked my sweet husband, he said "He's part of the family and we didn't have any pictures of him up." My eyes filled with tears- it's been a long road.

The bEgiNninG

2010-01-31T16:05:00.000-07:00

HeRe GoeS noThInG. . . or SoMethIng

2010-01-31T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my current journey and about how little I seem to remember of it. This train of thought led me to the realization (and regret) that I have spent very little of my precious time here documenting what I have spent that time doing- especially since I got married. Despite still being very "young" I realized both that I still have a lot to offer and that I can't learn from my experiences if I can't remember them. I guess that is why this blog has come into existence. . .my way of sharing a piece of me and saving those pieces that my memory may not budget space for. Even though the reasons above prompted this begining, I also wanted a place to share my joy, embarassment, love, and adventure. I would dream of this becomeing something incredible and powerful and inspiring for others, but if I am the only one who ever looks at it- that will be enough- and it will be "something" for me.